Friday, December 17, 2004

Need help....again

I have this camera. A Sony Mavica. I used to love it, but now I am going to have to kill it. I loved it because it burns pictures on mini-CDs. Its so easy! I don't have to find a hole that I don't have in my old computer in which to put in a picture card. The disks are really cheap and each fit about 200 pictures in high enough resolution to get nice 8"x10", and the camera is CD-RW. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. Yeah, like 3 years ago. We used to hook it up to TVs at the end of the night and watch our vacation pictures and movies. Now it seems that when you shoot some movies with this camera IT CANT FINALIZE THE DISK! This means I have about 400 pictures and/or videos from my honeymoon that I cant ever watch or see. I really don't like this.

What I want to know is if this can be fixed. Can someone retrieve the data on these 2 disks? My computer just spits them out as if they were diseased. It hurts. I have tried searching for a service like this but cant quite seem to be able to find one. I will pay good money to get my pictures back, but am not sure exactly how much I am willing to part with.

So the few readers out there - you helped me color my life once before and I implore you to reach within yourselves and find some genius who can make these small, shiny plastic disks into something meaningful. Please. I need disk data retrieval. Badly. I remember caves with many bats but my memory sucks and I want visual reminders. Is it too much to ask? As a wedding present?

I also stupidly erased a disk that had some INSANELY GREAT FOOTAGE OF POLICE MEANNESS AT THE FTAA PROTESTS IN MIAMI. I know there is even less hope for this little circle but he has such great stories to tell. It would be great if there was the technology to un-erase him. Is there? Though I doubt it, I hope so.

Please, ask your friends. I want my pictures back. Really, really badly.

because I am incapable of giving a short answer

This is an answer to the first comment in the last post. Apparently, I can only write 1000 words in the comment section so now this comment is its own post b/c I am too lazy to edit, or I refuse to compromise.

Movie: Go see the Incredibles. You'll be in tears - seen it - I was - great movie

Books: Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde - Great - I am always looking for a new good book/author

Music: Hmmm I think a bit of Erasure might suit your taste- I have listened to them before, but will listen w/ my ears open this time.

1) How many times have you fallen deeply in love

- that is really hard. I have a hard shell around myself that prevents such things. I have fallen deeply in love many times only to find out it was lust shortly thereafter. My final answer is 3.

2) What was your easiest breakup - easy!

Misha's Dad - I stayed w/ him for years b/c I loved his dog and couldn't part w/ her. We started out as roommates so we lived together from day one but I always had my own bedroom as did he. He was very distant. Little or no kissing and no good hugs. Surprisingly though - some good snuggling. One night after realizing I didn't like the man enough to sleep next to him I started sleeping on the couch. He never asked why. Later on he said, I hope you don't mind but I am going camping w/ the guys this weekend after I had been dying to get him to go camping for years. I just said - why would I mind? I thought we have been broken up for over a month (while I was quitting cigarettes!) He later moved into the guest bedroom and gave me back the bed b/c both dogs were sleeping w/ me on the couch. After a few months of this I went to Miami for X-mas and left a note saying that one of us had to leave and he got to choose. Thankfully he left the apt and left the Pooh behind. He even let me keep the AC unit his uncle gave us. While after writing all this I guess it wasn't the easiest one (that would have to have been in jr. high), it most definitely was the best decision I sort of ever made.

3) Chocolate Chip Mint Icecream or Cherry Pistachio?

Chocolate Chip Mint if the chips are more like shavings and not chunks is my all time favorite - a high school boyfriend introduced it to me. Chocolate mint cappucinos are also my favorite.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

tell me, ask me

Because I want to post more but am very lazy and cant remember original thoughts here goes:

A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie.
2. a book.
3. a musical artist, song, or album.

B) Ask me three questions—no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

C) Go to your blog (if you have one), copy and paste this, and allow everyone to ask you anything.

I got this from Rafael to whom I apologize for any disparaging remarks I may have made against his underwear; unless of course, they were deserved :-)

Friday, December 10, 2004

I'm Back!



These are the wonderful ladies who helped me keep my sanity and threw me the best bachelorette party in history. Excellent friends, and I never knew just how much until now. I am so fortunate to love them and have them love me back. And isn't it cool how the dresses match my car - totally coincidental - I swear. I didn't realize it until I picked them up and put them in the trunk - the EXACT same color. I gotta admit - I like purple.




The wedding. On the beach but facing the dunes. Everyone thought that is was so coincidental that it was right before sunset. They underestimate my planning capabilities. We even checked tide charts b/c the road to the reception was in a very low-lying, mangrovey area that really floods during high tides. Luckily, it was a very low high tide at the time.

Everything went wonderfully. Except I never got to eat and got really bitchy until I was handed a HUGE plate of appetizers because you get to have more pictures taken at your wedding while the guest actually get to eat. I was just drinking mimosas and champagne until about 6 when I demanded food. I found that I was more commanding than normal while wearing a big white dress. I couldn't sneak out to get high though because people notice when the one in the big white dress is trying to leave the premises, but the husband - did they notice him? - Never!

I have so much to tell and want to, but I want to be more cohesive than normal so I think I will take some time with the whole wedding post thing. I suck at throwing bouquets - someone should have told me to practice. I just landed on the floor right in front of a great friend of mine who would have been a bridesmaid if we had become closer sooner. Remember the original date of 2/29/04? All the favors, napkins, and matches had the date. I thought it was kinda funny and cute yet sad at the same time because of the constant reminder of why we had to postpone in the first place - my would be mother in law became very ill and shortly thereafter died.

Back to bouquet thing - I cant throw worth a shit; good thing is neither can my husband. The garter belt landed in pretty much the same place the bouquet did - on the floor in front of the awaiting bachelors. The coolest thing however, is that the man who it landed in front of was the date of the lovely lady who caught the bouquet! I have never seen that happen before and still think it is way cool. And though, as usual, I have no recollection of it, I went to high school with the man who caught the garter. Need to break out the year book to see if I can recall him because he does remember me and we did hang w/ the same circle more or less. My graduating class was about 1,000 so I really cant remember everyone.

But what got me to the computer today in the first place was this:
Remember that somewhat silly, embarrassing picture of me in a coconut bra that I posted? Well, I was just reading a local newspaper and there it was. With my real name. God, it took enough courage to post it under Misha, and now its out there, for everyone to see, WITH MY REAL NAME. Oh the humiliation. Just kidding. Not really that embarrassed. I just thought it was funny that I really debated posting that picture with the flabby tummy and all and it's in the paper now! There are actually 4 pictures of me from that picnic - more than anyone else :-)

And the guy who caught the garter was actually at the picnic because his picture was in the paper too. The caption mentioned that he works with snakes and it just hit me that I do remember him. I believe I watched A Clockwork Orange at his house for the first time in like 10th grade or something. -Going to check yearbook - I don't know - could have been him. I really hate forgetting people. Funny thing is I know exactly where that house was so I can ask him if it was his house or if his parents were chemists who game him big bags of pot for Christmas. Interesting parents....

That's Mrs. Pooh to you!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Angry about Bush?

You ain't alone. But he took some initiative.

In other news, I had my wedding shower this past weekend. Made it all seem more real. Checks made out to Mr. and Mrs...I haven't even decided if I want to change my name yet. I've kinda grown attached to it over the past 30 years. Everyone congratulated us. Wow. I am getting married.

My maid of honor is the best. EVER. I don't even have the ability to describe just how much she rocks. She is an organizational genius and oh so much more.

And as I get married, another marriage seems to be falling apart. I have a distant cousin. I know him - we played as kids but he is more my cousins cousin than my cousin- no blood is shared. We got a phone call today that he was cheating on her AGAIN. This guy aint so hot, but OH MY GOD IS HIS WIFE GORGEOUS. Oh yeah - they have a 6 year old kid also. Why cant he keep it in his pants? On Saturday they were looking like a happy couple and today not anymore. They wont be attending my wedding needless to say.

A slightly good thing came out of this for me (yes - very, very selfish reasoning here). At the shower, in a moment of drunken love, I invited my older cousin and her to my bachelorette party TOTALLY FORGETTING that we were all, um, lets say "roller skating". (X) Sunday morning I was wondering why I even bother to speak while drunk because by inviting her, I had to invite her sister in law who is even more straitlaced than her, but more family than her as I have known her sister in law all my life and probably fed her a few times. So the dissolution of a marriage fixes my stupid drunken speaking problem. That's why I like getting high better. I don't talk so much damn shit. Hell, I barely talk at all.

I also finally found a flower girl and ring boy AND THEY ARE TWINS!! They are also the Best Man's half-siblings, and very cute. My whole family is quite happy that only 2 legged creatures will be in the wedding party.



The Ousted Ring Bearer



And his Masked Sidekick sleeping 'tween a cooler and a car seat on our way to go camping.

As as I seem to have become quite the exhibitionist lately:


Cause their aint no toilets on islands!



CANT. WAIT. TILL. ITS. OVER. 5 DAYS!!!! And then 5 days in the rainforest and then 7 days in a big, huge, giant, enormous boat. I will try to post from the boat if it doesn't cost an arm & a leg.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Yay! Bye-Bye Ashcroft

We won't miss you. Thanks for resigning. I now have one itty witty bitty iota of hope. But I know there is a damn good chance it could be squashed by your replacement. Here's to trying to make the other half of the country happy.

12. DAYS. TILL. ITS. OVER.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Some um, different pictures.

Here's to getting over my fear of public humiliation!


See - not always pretty!


But sometimes a bit weird...


And I can look a bit odd at times...


My Very Own Crayola Flower


K-mart Crayon Tree


To end on a nice note.

CANT. WAIT. TILL. THE. HONEYMOON!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

zabernism (ZAB-uhr-niz-uhm) noun - The misuse of military power; aggression; bullying

After Zabern, German name for Saverne, a village in Alsace, France. In 1912, in this village, a German military officer killed a lame cobbler who smiled at him.

"Both countries have been slaves to Kruppism and Zabernism--because they were sovereign and free! So it will always be. So long as patriotic cant can keep the common man jealous of international controls over his belligerent possibilities, so long will he be the helpless slave of the foreign threat, and 'Peace' remain a mere name for the resting phase between wars."
H.G. Wells; In The Fourth Year: Anticipations of a World Peace; 1918.

The above brought to me by A WORD A DAY.

Pretty appropriate word for today I think.

I finally got my absentee ballot in the mail YESTERDAY 11/01/04. As I could not mail it in I had two choices to hand deliver it to. Downtown - a hell hole of traffic, expensive parking, and a myriad of confusing one way streets; or one could go to Doral which unless you live or work there its a good rule just to avoid it because it is near the rapidly sprawling airport and another hell hole of traffic. Lucky for me, I work about a 5 minute drive from the Miami-Dade County Election Headquarters in Doral so it was no problem for me to drop off the ballot. But I am sure it screwed thousands of others out there. All in all it was really easy. I couldn't park anywhere near the building because Every Single News Truck In The World Was There and 3 Florida, Power, and Light trucks as well. I cross about 3 police lines to enter the bldg but no one ever talked to me as I crossed the lines - guess they were only for cars. When I entered the bldg I was immediately told to go to this line. On the half hour drive to work all I heard on NPR was people talking about lines that were 2 to 4 hours long so this did not make me very happy. Thing is I couldn't find the line. I now know it is a very good thing when you cant find the line. I couldn't find the line because there was only one person in it! And the next teller (or whatever her position was)was open, so THERE WAS NO LINE!!!

I VOTED WITHOUT STANDING IN A LINE!!!!

And I got me a wedding cake - finally - and it tastes damn good.

I also got some (178) pictures taken that make me look really good. My fiance is the best photographer in the world. I only hope that the one I am paying is half as good.

Here is one of them.

me


Well, still haven't got the photo posting w/in a blog thing down. I swear - I AM NOT STUPID and this lady doth not protest too much.

I did do it, but it took too damn long. There has got to be a faster way. I wrote this entry, put the picture in a separate entry, and then copied and pasted the picture to this entry, to finally delete the original picture entry. There has got to be something I am missing.

Email me if you want to see the whole shebang.

Back to election thingy - In the back of my head I had this tiny fear that something horrible was going to happen yesterday (think Spain). Thankfully nothing did. I really feel a wave of relief knowing that the threat of pre-election attacks has been done away with.


As I haven't written anything in a while I had a shitload to say but cant think b/c I have too much sugar in my blood from tasting all those damn good cakes.


CANT. WAIT. TILL. ITS. OVER. - he-he - originally meant for election but will stay till I am finally fucking MARRIED!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Watch This

Jon Stewart on Crossfire

I wanted to see this after hearing about it for days and a lovely friend of mine sent me the link. It's pretty good and lord do I love Jon.

ps - for those who care - I filed my nails down while watching the video and I like them now - YAY!!!

HATE THE NAILS

Just to remind myself. I don't like them but at least I can still type up a storm w/ them. I am going to attack them w/ a ginormous nail file and see if I can whittle them down tonight. I hope I can do something to make them look real because I really hate that they look so FAKE. Yeah - like you care :-)


I love my camera

When I went camping this past weekend I took over 300 pictures. Drugs and cameras mix very well. Sand and camera, not so well. But I was careful, though stupid for bringing the damn thing, and didn't get any sand in any bad places! I now NEED a waterproof digital camera for under $300. Any recommendations?

Slow that I am, I just discovered, well not really discovered, but applied it to myself um.. OPHOTO... So out of the 300 pics I will find my 10 favorite and post them tonight after a happy hour that better be damn good and the West Wing which also better be damn good. I heard that they are going to get a republican president in there. I like Jeb so much. I want the writers to be our president. Really - anybody but Bush.

I need an underwater camera w/ a good macro lens too because I LOVE MACRO PICS. I even used to take macro pics w/ disposable cameras and wonder why everything was so out of focus.

I am taking some pre wedding pics next week and am getting my nails done today w/ acrylics. I am kind of nervous about this. They could totally fuck up my nails which aren't too great at the moment. I haven't had fake claws since I was in high school and I used to do a lot of acid at the time and they always weirded me out while tripping. Hopefully these will be nice and I will still be able to type with them.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Shit...(warning - not happy today)

I ordered about 4 semi's worth of product that they are sending ALL TOGETHER in a CONVOY tomorrow and our warehouse can only fit about 2 semi's worth of shit.

That would be one giant OOPS from me. I really aught to get a better grasp of the Spanish language because the order still says the same to me. I understood that I was to order the chain, not wait for instructions for a later date in which to place the order. If I am not supposed to place and order WHY THE HELL DID THEY SEND IT????


At first I thought it was funny in a ha-ha cute sort of way but about an hour later I feel really bad about this. Like stupidly bad. Like I am holding back the tears. I hate working here. I don't want to. I want to go out in the world again and make a living for myself independent of my parents. I feel like my paycheck is an allowance though I know I work damn hard for it. Really Fucking Hard. Why is it that heart and mind have so much trouble melding at times? There are so many times that I KNOW something but....yeah forgot where I was going w/ this. I think it had something to do w/ boys or something but I can't find a really good concrete example to illustrate what I am feeling. Tangled. Conflicted. Guilty. Shamed. Sad. Embarrassed (big time).

Yep. Fear of embarrassment. That has got to be it. Guess that falls under that whole little social anxiety disorder complex. Ever feel like you know too much for your own good? Do I feel this way b/c I know it has a "name" so that makes it ok in some way or another, or do I feel this way because I do? Jeez, even I don’t understand what that is supposed to mean. Only that at some point in time it made sense in my head. Oh - I was thinking about the self fulfilling prophecy theory. If you think it will happen, it will. If I know its out there, it will affect me. My first dog, the original Misha, not some lame imposter like myself, was very leash aggressive. One night while walking her shit faced drunk she actually sniffed butts w/ another dog and didn't try to kill it after. It made me wonder - is she leash aggressive because that is simply how she is, or does she sense my apprehension and therefore become overly protective?

Crap. I'm just going to take a Xanex and hope I feel better in about an hour b/c I am tired of feeling like the roof is going to come crashing down and I kinda want it to.


I was in such a positive mood earlier. I went island camping this weekend w/ the 3 dogs and didn't get a sunburn or sink the boat too badly. I was actually cold outside for the first time in who knows how long in South Florida. I then topped off the most awesome long weekend w/ a kick ass Beastie Boys concert. I was so happy, almost giddy. And now this. I feel like am 17. Steps away from independence but still trapped. Trapped by the shortsightedness of youth that prevents the light at the end of the tunnel from shining through. When I went to college a wonderful and unexpected thing happened. Well actually 2. The frizz left my hair! Though I only moved about 20 miles north east my hair got oh so much better. Even better than that - I no longer had constant suicidal thoughts. A few months into college I woke up and realized that I didn't go to bed every night wishing I was dead. It's an incredible revelation when you realize that life isn't hurting anymore. My life is good. I really should enjoy it. Its not perfect, but unless I start thinking too deeply, I can honestly say that I have a good life. I should remember that more often and stop writing this selfish drivel.


The photographer for the WEDDING just called. Just talking to her freaked me out. Now I have to arrange hair and makeup for next Tuesday. Ok - manager came in, saw me freaking out. As soon as I get the slightest hint of sympathy from anyone I can't stop the tears. They just come out. It's like I feel bad that they are wasting their sympathy on me and that makes me feel worse. What kind of idiot feels worse b/c someone feels bad for them? Me - I'm da Idiot.





"Voting for Kerry just might, fuck that - it will change the world."

Friday, October 15, 2004

Oh ye poetic spam

Any given bluish baby fidgeting.

Our stupid tv is angry.

Mine green clock is thinking.

Her daughters white white exam book falls the time that his slopy pensil fidgeting or maybe any given bluish magazine spit and still a small magazine run.
A shining sofa run.
Any bluish carpet is on fire.
Any white green tv calms-down.
A stupid mouse stares and perhaps his small slopy mobile phone sleeps at the place that a given odd shaped round-shaped glasses arrives.
Her little recycle bin is angry.
Their hairy glove smells.
The silver sport shoes arrives.
His shining boat stares.
Our children beautiful slopy computer adheres and a stupid hairy mouse run.
His brothers beautiful smart sony sleeps and mine bluish omprella walks.
His brothers soft white little carpet adheres.

This is one of the best weird things I have gotten to date. I changed its format to make it a bit more readable. Makes sense in an etheral sort of way. Who writes these things? This is too readable to be computer generated. What is the purpose of these thing? To get past spam guards? Maybe I am stupid but I just quite dont understand.

Just had to share this.

"Not voting for Bush will make me very happy."

Thursday, October 14, 2004

I love all things cordless

Well, except for when you lose them. Then they suck. But I love the cordless mouse. What a great invention for fucking w/ fellow co-workers. Everytime my mom pisses me off I simply move her mouse under a stack of papers. She looks for it until she figures out that as I take after my father, chances are good that I am responsible for the disappearing mouse and then she starts screaming at me. And the keyboard too. Cant forget about that one. Every so often I walk in her office and just walk away with it. I don't know why exactly, but this makes me laugh my ass off. Ahh, the love.

ps - cordless is a word, right? b/c stupid blogger spell check doesn't recognize it as one. Idiocy. It doesn't even recognize blog or blogger as a word. Funny.

"Voting for Kerry just might, fuck that - it will change the world."

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

seeking blog advice

can anyone tell me how to change the yellow on the side? It really bugs me. Do the colors have number codes or anything like that? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

"Voting for Kerry just might, fuck that - it will change the world."

Monday, October 11, 2004

A Poll

If Osama bin laden were captured November first (day before election), how would you react in the voting booth?

I would keep my vote for Bush (33%)
I would keep my vote for Kerry (30%)
Other (18%)
I wouldn't vote (12%)
I would vote for someone else (4%)
I would change my vote to Kerry (1%)
I would change my vote to Bush (1%)
Votes: 1262
--------------------------------------------

A little poll from www.goldtoken.com where I get my backgammon fix. Though I don't like the direction in which this poll is going it is nice to know that the next four years does not depend on a "what if". So amongst a small poll of online voters the evil squirrelly one is winning by 3%. Thankfully this poll is as unreliable as it gets.


"Voting for Kerry just might, fuck that - it will change the world."

Servant Cheney and Necked Bush

You must check THIS out.


"Voting for Kerry just might, fuck that - it will change the world."

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I am a Nielson Family!!

I have always loved surveys. I figure its my chance to have my little voice heard and perhaps, just maybe, make a difference. I don't quite feel the same way about being a Nielson Family. I don't really think much of TV is worth fighting for. But hey - I do watch it, and now what I watch will somehow matter.

The Nielson people are kinda ghetto. They inform you by postcard that you will receive a phone call asking if you want to join. Once they call they ask how many TVs are in the house and send one booklet for each TV. They tell you that you will get $10 for religiously documenting what you watch on TV for one week and that your booklets will arrive in a red, white, and blue envelope -otherwise known as a USPS Priority Mail envelope - why don't they just tell you that? What is w/ the "red, white and blue envelope shit? I don't know.

When someone tells me they are giving me $10 for filling out a survey, I assume that the money will be in check form. NOT. Is it me, or is it strange that they sent cash - 1 $5 and 5 $1 bills. It all seems so unorganized (sp?) to me.

Well next Thursday will be the day of reckoning. I will find out exactly how much of the idiot box I watch on any given week. Something tells me the results will horrify me as I do think I watch too much TV. But it is losing its grasp on me. I am almost thankful when a favorite show is cancelled - less TV to see!! I also try really hard not to watch any new shows, but it is so damn easy to get sucked in.

Here's to hoping that I am not a TOTAL idiot box junkie.

Yeah - I gots me some pics too! I want all my babies to be on the web. Hopefully I will find time to really figure out how the picture thing works and how I can make it work better.

One more thing - I decided to apply for the Google adds. Not because I actually thought I could make more than 20 cents a month or anything like that. I just wanted to see what kind of adds they would put. I love to track advertising. I once had it as an assignment in high school, and still write down commercials now and then. Well Google denied me. It appears that they think my site is under construction. I know it isn't the most aesthetically pleasing thing out there, but come on, it don't look like a damn construction site either.

Cut me some damn slack.


"Voting for Kerry just might, fuck that - it will change the world."

Monday, September 27, 2004

stairs


cool stairs..


Cool crab found at office - released into lake


More funny hair and unrotated picture


cool stairs


This is the one, the only, Misha-Pooh - the best dog to ever walk the face of this earth, well, at least the most loved.


http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com/2004/09/this-is-one-only-misha-pooh-best-dog.html


One of our office pets. Dont quite know what it is, but it's about a foot long.


Jackson w/ his devil eyes showing.


A younger Misha in the snow. I really wanted to bring her back to the cold weather a few times but shit happens.


The Mish howling in front of my old home in RVA


Ths is Jackson. He is my kinda new doggie. I adopted him from the South Florida Husky Rescue Society. They are in desperate need for fosters at this moment. Please help if you can.


in the fountain at Libby Hill in RVA


showing her sled dog skills

Friday, September 24, 2004

Hurricane Statement

I just got an e-mail that Miami-Dade county has been issued a hurricane statement. Thats it. Just a hurricane statement. WTF is a hurricane statement? Is it informing us that one is out there? Yeah - we kinda know that by now. Thats all is said -

Miami-Dade County:
Hurricane Statement

Oh yeah - and it could change direction at any moment and spare or fuck us all.

"Voting for Kerry just might change the world."

Thursday, September 23, 2004


At the outskirts of a hurricane on the 27th floor of a condo on Miami Beach about 8 hrs before Francis hit the coast many, many miles north of us.

Da Bias

For some reason today I really wanted to wear a sweater. So I did. Ooooh big deal you say. Well its 85 out and for us morons that is actually cool weather. Down here in Miami we are so pathetic that the first time it drops below 90 after the summer hell people start saying “oh – its cool now – the weather has changed – no more heat and humidity” Yeah – until tomorrow rolls around that is. My office is freezing so a sweater here is no problem but I have to venture out into the warehouse several times a day and whatever temperature it happens to be outside, the warehouse is practically guaranteed to be 10 degrees hotter. So I don’t know, despite the having to walk to and from the car in the blazing heat, and having to enter the sweltering box room I still wanted to wear a sweater. The urge was in me. It was like I could feel the weather becoming cooler around other parts of the country (despite the dire predictions of global warming I have been reading in this month’s National Geographic), and wanted to dress like those people. This happened last year. I wore a corduroy baby blue trench coat forever in hopes that if I dress for cold weather it will come. Yeah, it eventually did, but really pathetically. Today I happened to look at the good old calendar and noticed that first day of fall was yesterday!!! This (at least in my mind) completely explains the urge to dress warm, telling the thermometer to fuck off in a way. You see I couldn’t dress warm yesterday b/c I was home w/ a migraine in a quiet dark room all day wishing my head would just fall off and stop hurting me so much.

It’s weird though. I KNOW it is fall, but I keep THINKING that it is spring. This has happened every fall since I moved back to Miami. The weather starts to change and I am always like “oh thank god – spring is coming” when I know damn well that the season is called fall. I didn’t really know that till I moved north though.

I was one of those 99% kids in school. Great at test taking, but perpetually underachieving. So I was always in honors and AP classed getting straight C’s. I remember one SAT type test (probably in the elementary years) that had a question asking us to put the seasons in order. I had no fucking clue -first time ever a test question stumped me. All I could think was spring forward, fall back. Nothing to do with the placement of the seasons.

Point – the SAT is biased against people who live in the Tropics.


"Voting for Kerry might change the world."

Monday, September 20, 2004

Vote Dammit!!!

This past Saturday I spend about 2 hours going to the homes of registered Democrats who did not vote in 2000. I was volunteering for www.moveon.org. It was a great experience. I was scared that I would be too quiet or shy or just a big pushover but I really feel that I made a small difference.

The first people I found were some completely tattooed (a big plus in my book) people. I had a list w/ names, ages and addresses so I went up to them – Are you so and so? He said no “Are you sure” b/c I thought people would try to avoid me. Then he showed me his drivers’ license! The guy I was after did live there but I figure hey, why not work on these two first. There was a he and a she. He said he wasn’t planning on voting. Then she was like WTF? You're not voting? So I told her to keep working on him. I am confident she will make him vote for Kerry. Eventually the person I was after came out. So I have 3 people in a pick-up w/ 3 dirt bikes in the back about to go well, dirt biking. And I keep talking.
What is a very important issue for you?
Gun control – like we mean everyone should have a gun.
Ok – like just a gun, or are you including assault weapons here?
Assault weapons too. Everyone should have them.
Oh well, to each his own.
He seemed like a Bush person, but he was cute, and I know where he lives so he might get another visit!
About guns – I don’t like them. One of my best friends was almost killed by one after he went after muggers w/ his own gun. I figure if he didn’t have a gun, then he wouldn’t have gotten in a car and driven after a stolen purse w/ his gun making him feel all powerful. The muggers were shooting into a house when he caught them and the just shot him before he could do anything. He does think that the reason they only shot him once was b/c he had a weapon of his own. Whatever. If he didn’t have a weapon of his own, then he wouldn’t have had the courage to go after them. I might be wrong b/c he is a cocky motherfucker and a kung-fu instructor. Also, I do believe that “if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns”. They are too pervasive in America to start taking them away now. The good people would return them, and the bad ones wouldn’t so as a practicality they have to remain legal.
Baack to where I was.
I am talking to them – they are backing out – still talking- on the street now and I have my head in the truck still talking. Then they mentioned the tattoos.
Look at us. We aren’t the regular voting kind.
It doesn’t matter what the fuck you look like. I love your tats – used to live w/ a great tattoo artist and had another roommate that was a piercer. JUST GO FUCKING VOTE!! AND NOT FOR BUSH!!
I left an absentte ballot form at their door along w/ a paper that briefly outlined Bush’s and Kerry’s stances on things. And my address. I figure it’s only fair that you know where I live if I know where you live. We only lived a couple of blocks away from each other.

I found another person who wasn’t going to vote. He was a black male, 24 yrs old. As I stand at only 5’1” I am not intimidating in person so this gives me a little more leeway than say, a 6ft muscular man in chiding people. I expressed my disbelief that he didn’t care about politics.
Don’t you know that the future president can impact your life in tremendous ways? You live in a country that gives you the right to vote. You are black so you (well really, your ancestors) had to fight much harder for that right than many others in this country, and you are just going to squander away that right? How could you?
Oh yeah – I had just woken him up also….

I think it’s pretty ballsy to knock on someone’s front door, wake them up, and then lecture them on politics when they have made it pretty clear that they didn’t give a shit. But he was very nice and really seemed to be listening to me so I kept talking. I don’t care who you vote for, as long as it’s not Bush, just go vote. I left two registration forms for absentee ballots so that he and his sister could vote from the comfort of their own home. He sat there listening to me in his driveway for maybe 10 minutes, in his PJ’s to boot. Here I am thinking, hey – I’m pretty good at this, maybe I should go into law school. It looks like I can make a convincing argument - maybe even enough to change his mind?

And then he has to go and ask me out. I hate that. Was he listening to me b/c of my brain or my face, or my ass? Who knows? Maybe he liked my attitude, my slight aggressiveness w/o malice. Maybe he liked my ass, slightly (maybe more than that) too large for a white girl. I look 100% American but really am 100% Cuban. It’s like I walk around in disguise. No one ever thinks I can speak Spanish. I really dig it actually. I just sit there while they chatter away in Spanish, let them put their feet in their mouth a few times, and then interject at a good point in conversation. Oh yeah – I also look young. I was dressed much nicer than usual (wearing a belt is the trick) but he was still floored to learn that I was 30. I do love that look of surprise.

Anyway, I just really hope he votes for Kerry. And enough others do too so that we can kick Bush out!

The only other person that sticks out is a Miami born Cuban who has convinced his whole family to vote for Kerry. That is really hard to do. The closest I can get to get my parents to vote for Kerry is to steal their absentee ballots and fill them out myself. Don’t think I haven’t told them that I am seriously thinking about it. If only they didn’t live 20 miles away….

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Friday, September 17, 2004

The Energy of Change is in the Air

On Wednesday I went to the Hillel Center at the University of Miami for a Rosh Hashanah service. Being agnostic yet baptized, this was my first Rosh Hashanah service. Though I am not a fan of organized religion in any form I went because my fiancĂ© said it would be really good for him and his father to have a woman around as this would be the first service they attended since his mom died. Who can say no to that? So I sat in a room, surrounded by Jews. The horrible “I love my daddy’s money” bumper sticker wearing UM jappy kind. Hopefully they will grow up and become slightly less materialistic but I have never seen so many Burberry Shoes and Louis Vitton purses so closely gathered together at any other point in my life. Things have changed since the early 90’s but when I was at UM I made it a point to avoid the sororities and I bet everyone in that room was in one or something like one. I say things have changed b/c when I went to UM, appropriate attire consisted of boxer shorts, Birks, a t-shirt, and a flannel (for using as a pillow or blanket while napping between classes b/c you know, the dorm room is just too far away).
Ok – I have become more than a little racist here. Sorry about that. I have NOTHING against Jewish people. I am marrying a Jewish person – although he really downplayed that in the early dating stages. I figure I can suck it up and go to religious services twice a year. I just feel like such a hypocrite sitting there. Asking god for forgiveness and to overlook my sins. I really don’t think we have a kind of god that listens to these kinds of things. And if you’re Jewish it doesn’t really matter b/c there is no Hell. That alone makes this religion a thousand times better than Christianity. But I was baptized so I aint going to Hell. Hah!
As ususal, I digress. The rabbi and the service were really good. There was some Hebrew singing and reading, but a lot of reading in English also. That wasn’t the good part. This rabbi explained things to us. We were there for the New Year, but it was more than just the New Year. That day was supposedly the same day, based on the Jewish calendar, that Adam and Eve were created. Because of this, the air on this day is rich with energy and the forces of creation. This is the day to sort of re-invent your self. You can do it any day, but today the energy of the world is with you. But it is not the day for typical New Year’s resolutions. You aren’t supposed to pledge to lose 20 lbs or something like that. It’s supposed to be more spiritual. Sadly, my memory fails me beyond this. Sorry.
We also got a little lesson on the punishments that were doled out in the Garden of Eden after that tasty apple was bitten into. Adam and Eve lost their eternal life. They became mere mortals who consequently felt pain, needed food, and well, could die. That evil tempting snake was also punished. He used to be the most glorious animal in the Garden, walking around on four legs like the king of the jungle. God punished him by taking away his legs, making him the lowest animal as he could only slither around on his belly. He also gave him a far worse punishment. God decreed that the snake could eat dirt. It doesn’t sound so bad at first. If you can eat what you are constantly surrounded by, then it would seem like you are basically set. If all your needs appear to be met, it would seem wonderful. You don’t have to ask anybody for anything. Ever. But because of this total self sufficientness (says not a word, but I think it should be) the snake was really punished because he no longer needed a connection to god. The snake, and all other snakes, never got to talk to god again and god never talked to the snakes again either. Poor snake lost his most important relationship because all his needs were met.
And then there is this Jesus fellow. In the period he was born, everyone was the child of God. One day though, Jesus woke up and decided that everyone was wrong and only, he, Jesus, was the son of God. Guess he had a harder time than most picturing his mother having sex. Or maybe his mother lied to him all his life. I am not too knowledgeable here, but I figure she was a single mom right? Why else would there be all this virgin conception talk? If she was married, then the husband would be the baby daddy. Ahh… no husband. Back then it must have been very terrible to be not married and pregnant. Maybe that’s why no one would let her inside. She must have had a great big red S all over her. Well baby Jesus grows up and asks, who’s my daddy? And Mary says, as everyone else always said about everybody, God is your father. I think he might have taken this a bit too literally. Ah, God is my dad, not yours! I can see your dad – he is right over there. My mommy isn’t married so the only daddy I could possibly have is God and yeah- there’s your dad right over there, next to your mom. He don’t look like God to me. So screw you all. I can see your fathers, but you can't see mine, so he must be God. Though I think he might have been a little loony, he did have a pretty good message spreading around. Don’t know much of it, but do know – “Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you” and I love that one. All the others are good, but this is the one that I really try to live up to.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

The Snake at Work

Amazingly enough, when talking about a snake at work, I am not talking about a co-worker, but an actual snake. It lives behind the warehouse and I have seen its left over skins. I have seen it slither away into the water and under trees. Today it was just sitting amongst the pine needles, only slightly curled so I could see that it was pretty long. It has a matte grey finish and flicked its little tongue at me. It is an Everglades Racer. Pretty cool, huh? Well, I think so.

I've seen him around, but now I know for certain that he isn't venomous. I never thought so because he doesn't look it, but it sure is nice to KNOW. I now also know that they will attack, which I did not think it would do. Minutes ago, I was a foot from its face, making eye contact. Won't do that in sandals anymore. Must have ankles covered.

I need my boots to come back from Medellin! My dad took them there over a month ago to be re-soled b/c they are like magicians w/ shoes over there. He is back in Medellin, so I should be reacquainted w/ my "new" boots in 9 days. Yay! I feel lost w/o some good comfy boots, and am too lazy to deal w/ the breaking in period for the new ones I have bought, so just resorted to getting the old ones fixed. Once I have them back I can go explore the jungle of the back of the warehouse and see what other cool things we have back there.





"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Da 'Beasties

Yeah - they ROCK!

Lyrics from "It Takes Time to Build", song 4 on "To The 5 Boroughs"

if you don't like the news then press eject.
Baby Davis getting older; cant take a rain check.
Its time to let 'em know what to expect.
Stop building SUVs strung out on OPEC.
Hold up, wait up, you know we come correct.
You wanna change things up, well hey just get set.
It's easier to sit back than stick out your neck.
It's easier to break things tan build it correct.
We've got a president we didn't elect (but he does look good in a flight suit).
The Kyoto treaty he decided to neglect,
and still the US still wants to flex.
Keep doin' that wop we gonna break our necks.
IT TAKES A SECOND TO WRECK
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD
YOU GOTS TO CHILLLLL
Hate-filled people keeping us in check.
Tearin' down each other is what they expect.
If you want love, well, hey that's a bet.
We've got to give before we can get.
waiting like a batter who is on deck,
when it's time to wreck shop, then shop I'll wreck.
So let's calibrate and check our specs.
We need a little shift on over towards the left.
I don't really know,
but I suspect.
I think its due time that we inspect how they get their information and their facts checked.
Another press conference someone's talking out their neck.
IT TAKES A SECOND TO WRECK
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD
YOU GOTS TO CHILLLLL
So step up to the window and place your bets.
Is the U.S. gonna keep breaking necks?
Maybe is time we impeach Tex [ed. note -(not Mish):don't get him wrong, Yauch loves Texas, but this fool has got to go.]
and the military muscle that he wants to flex.
By the time Bush is done, what will be left?
Selling votes like E-pills at the discotheque.
Environmental destruction and the national debt.
But plenty of dollars left in the fat war chest.
What the real deal, why you can't connect?
Why you hating people that you never met?
Didn't your mama teach you to show some respect?
Why not open your mind for a sec?
IT TAKES A SECOND TO WRECK
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD
YOU GOTS TO CHILLLLL



I didn't even think I could love them anymore, and then they got all political on my ass!!!

OMG- this took me soo damn long. I can type like the best when its from my mind, but I just found out I cant copy for shit.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

What would your Smurf name be?

You can find out here.
Or if that don't work - here.

I got the following based on variations of my name and nicknames:
Phil the Smurf
Very Uninteresting Smurf
Stanky Smurf
Queasy Smurf

With married name:
Golden Flash Smurf
Deadly Smurf
Kung Pao Smurf
Very Uninteresting Smurf

Blogger name:
Trusty Smurf
Moo Goo Gai Smurf

Fiance name:
Chicken-Fried Smurf (oh how very, very accurate)
Slowly Evaporating Smurf (strangely, not too off the mark here either)

Misha-Pooh is Trusty Smurf. I like that. My married Smurf names are much better than my original Smurf names. Hmmm.... Should I change my last name based on a Smurf name generator? Not such a good idea me thinks.

I don't like how I am Very Uninteresting Smurf TWO TIMES!!

Not At All.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Monday, September 13, 2004

Monday the 13th

Garfield's least favorite day. Today he is gorging on lasagna. Mmmm. Wish I was.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Work - Uggghh

I don't like work. I feel like each day is a challenge to do as little as possible. Unfortunately I am very successful at this endeavor and now have a huge pile I have to get to. Which brings me back to the original thought - I don't like MY work. I have nothing against work in general. I just don't like boring shit.

When it's urgent - I fucking rock. I can run all around the warehouse, set up shipments in minutes, get my own skids and load them w/ 40 lb boxes. I love that part. The part that gets your blood pumping and makes you sweat. I could do w/o the broken nails but that's just a small thing. That must be leftovers from my sculpture days. The first time I made something I was amazed. This huge thing came from my 2 little hands, endless dumpster diving, and my imagination. It was a great feeling. Cant wait to leave this office and start some art classes over at FIU.

I hate sitting in front of a computer all day, waiting to be released. Making systems better, knowing that they wont be used in 2 months seems to useless. No, it doesn't seem useless - it is useless. I am fed up invoices and prices and credits and debits and fixing others mistakes. I slack all week and then come in on Saturday to make up for it. WTF? I read endless blogs, play computer games, take 2 hour lunches, come in at 11 and still no replacement for me. I do stay till around 8 or 7:30 if there is something good on TV. It's guilt. I feel bad for doing nothing all day, so my real work day begins at 5 when everyone else has left the building. There is no point coming in at 9 b/c I still leave around 8 anyway.

Bleah.

But I just got "To the 5 Boroughs" today along w/ Frida Khalo's Diary today so that rocks.

And I got tix for the BEASTIE BOYS!!! Yeah - still psyched about them.

And I just noticed that the warehouse had like 20 boxes of boxes of shoes. We get them wholesale and duty-free here, but I didn't like any. Boo.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Hurricane

As far as hurricanes go, this one was great. I sat at an ocean front bar, watched Caddy Shack, and got drunker than I have in a very long time. I also went to the beach apt on the 26th floor and got some great pics of my very long hair completely vertical b/c of the wind. I must say, very sorry to everyone who did not have a good experience. I went through Andrew so this one was nothing short of awesome in comparison. Hurricanes are great if you are nowhere near the eye wall and they aren't too wet. I guess I got lucky though, b/c most everyone else in my 'hood lost power. Miami is too hot and sticky to be w/o power.

Anyway, speaking of hurricanes, I JUST BOUGHT BEASTIE BOY'S TICKETS!!!!!

Man, that made my month.

Funny bad thing: On Monday we went to Haulover Beach and I got a really bad sunburn on my boobs. One of these days I will remember the sunblock, but at least my face cleared up. I dont know why, but for the past couple of months, I have looked like I belong in Junior High. Now I am a very tan Ivory chick, with very red boobs. I hate the word "boobs", but I also hate the word "tits" and I think "breasts" is too formal...

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Francis veers ever so slightly to the north!

First off, I am very, very sorry for everyone who is north. I wish all of you the best of luck. I wouldn't wish what might happen to you on my worst enemy.

Bad thing - now that Francis looks like it will miss Miami, I am at work doing some last minute paperwork b/c now planes will be taking off.

Great thing - The Republican National Convention gets no coverage on local channels in Florida, a VERY important swing state (ha-ha) b/c its 24/7 hurricane coverage.

For some reason, this makes me happier than it should all things considered. Must be that Xanex. Everything makes me happy! Guess I really am happier b/c it looks like the trees I love will make through the weekend. I still really cant comprehend 24 hours of hurricane force winds or even tropical storm force winds. Guess I will be able to in a few days though.

I might even be able to stay at home during the hurricane. YAY!!!

I ran into a few friends buying beer for the hurricane parties - looks like I can attend one now. I was only 18 when Andrew hit, but that would have been really bad to deal w/ on acid which is what I would have been on when I was 18.

Though not a "good" girl, I am a better one now.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Bye-Bye Trees

Wow. What a great week my brain picked to just go haywire on me. I am almost out of meds, am sure that the postal service wont deliver them in time, and a GIANT fucking slowmoving hurricane is bearing down on the east coast of Florida. At least I am not in a storm surge area. I took a walk around today and started saying bye to my favorite trees. There is a huge one in the middle of my driveway that will probably crush my insured home. I like that tree a lot, not to mention the home. I feel like a doomsayer but I really am scared. I was here for Andrew, not even close to the worst of it, and it was damn scary. I remember I was holding my first cat - Georgie - on my lap and on top of a pillow. With all the wind howling, people crying and glass breaking he peed on top of the pillow. I just realized there is a damn good chance that my husky Jackson will howl with the wind - all I have to do is look at him w/ my mouth in a howling shape and he howls back :-). That would be funny, howling hurricane w/ husky howling in harmony and cats absolutely fricking terrified - that's the not so funny part.
Oh yeah - this storm (name?) is even stronger than Andrew. It looks like a much wetter storm also. I feel the panic and helplessness rising inside my chest, but I know, now more than ever, that I have to overcome it. I cant break down and worry my parents anymore. They have enough to worry about. They just bought (well like over a year ago) a beautiful house aprox 1 block from the ocean THAT IS ALL WINDOWS. After a year of renovation, the furniture is coming TODAY. Great timing. We are better off than most. We have a warehouse to store all our cars and others needy pets if anyone out there doesn't have any other options - please e-mail me and I see what I can do.
I moved some patio furniture inside after I felt the beginnings of an attack approach. That helped - shut the brain down and do something productive. Soo many more flying projectile objects that need to be indoors. God I hope this thing just turns around into the ocean from where it came. Don't think its going to happen though. As much as I don't want to get hit, I don't want any other part of the state to go through this hell. 400 miles wide, moving at 14-17 mph. How long will it take to pass? While it killed a holiday weekend, it also made it longer b/c we have Friday off to board up all the families houses and I also offered our services to some elderly neighbors. No one that I have spoken to in Grove is evacutating though we are east of US-1. My parents are making me. I would rather be here but I have learned that my mom don't care what I think.
Its only stuff, and I am a horrible pack rat, so it would be a blessing in disguise if all my stuff flew away (especially the couch that stinks like dog). Everyone out there, wish us luck in Florida and please send H2O and batteries to whatever part of the state get hit first.
For better (much) info about this storm visit Bark-Bark Woof-Woof. He is much more up to date on all of this than I am.

Good luck to all of us.



"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

posting can become addictive

Nothing for who know how long, then a plea for funnies and then 2 posts in one day plus 1 brutally honest one that I don't know what the hell I am going to w/. I am not as brave as Dooce.

I used to love reading blogs. I don't get the same enjoyment anymore. I wonder why.

I also find myself leaving really long comments on other peoples blogs that really should be reserved for my blog. I feel as if I am using someone else's soapbox for my purposes. Anyone get annoyed by my long comments? If they go beyond two paragraphs I have been deleting them lately.

Wanted to go to Bozeman, MT for the long weekend, but a hurricane is bearing down on Florida. If it hits Miami, there will tons of canned good floating around the Grove courtesy of me - a Costco junkie. It really sucks if your neighborhood Costco junkie lives in an evacuation zone. All the good food ends up under water. But not the cans. The glorious cans can be found w/ my new snorkeling gear. Now, just in case, because the damn storm isn't supposed to reach land till FRIDAY, but people are still freaked about it, I need to go get me some bottled H20 and I guess stock up on some Mary Jane.

For THREE whole years, I thought I had no windstorm insurance, or for that matter insurance of any kind, but after asking my wonderful father, I found out that he arranged it for me. I love the man. He is as disorganized as I am, but solid as a rock under stress. I got his messiness and packratness, and my moms (for lack of a much better work b/c the anti-anxiety, brain numbing pills have kicked in) hysteria. For the past 2 days I have felt as if I have been having a nervous breakdown at the young and tender age of 30. And my doctor is out of town. Lovely. I call crying, saying I NEED to see him TODAY and they say "Sorry, he wont be in the office till the end of September. Call back then" FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID PEOPLE - DON'T YOU REALIZE I AM HAVING SOME SERIOUS MENTAL ISSUES AT THE MOMENT??

Sadly, my usual long weekend plans have most likely been washed away w/ hurricane Charlie. I love the west coast. Hope it didn't kill North Captiva Island and that other island I was at too much.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

GMail

Got 11 invites. Anybody want em?

Just drop me a line.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

pathetic plea for punny

In lieu of having anything interesting, positive, intelligible, uplifting, insightful, or downright not fucking depressing to say (for a long time it seems) - I am asking, please, make me laugh. Or at least smile.

My transparent patheticness just made me smile :-)

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

The Man to whom I will say "I Do"

POEMS FOR MISH

“The Dirty Lymeric”
I miss you more and more
In fact I'm rather sore
I went up and down
All over town
Until I got caught in a store

“The Dirty Haiku”
You are far away
I can not jack off that far
Boy, did I try hard

“The Good One”
I wish you were here by my side
And on every open valley I visit on bicycle
In every charming old rock house I visit on foot
With every little road or beaten path I drive down
Sitting at the dinner table when I fill my hunger
And again when I rise and I am still hungry
Hungry for you
Hungry for your love
Hungry for our love
I wish you were here by my side.

Written while in France, visiting and saying good-by to his Mamman again.

Yes - I love my baby's poetry. So sweet, so silly and soo dirty. Like us.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Saturday, August 14, 2004

What Kind of Condo Pool Closes at 7?

So its saturday night, I cleaned all day (yah!) and finally got in the mood to be social and he didnt answer the phone. He is my parents godson someone I consider to be a cousin. F is out of town for the week so I feel like I should be interacting w/ people. I hate this stupid "social anxiety." I feel like people think I dont like them, when in reality I am just plain scared - like a little sissy. OK - I am being harsh but I need to slap some sense into myself. I have a good life. I am loved by many. Hell, I even the fortunate advantage of being good looking and beliving it more often that not. Please dont think I am vain - just what people tell me and I sometimes see in the mirror. If I ever manage to get pictures up here ya'll think I am lying b/c I cant take a good picture for the life of me. Ironically enough, my passport picture is my favorite one and I have to renew it I think this year. I was wondering where I was before I went off on this tangent and realized I was in the midst of really poo-poo depressing shit.

Phone is ringing!

He will be here in 1/2 an hour and comment on my cleaning efforts. I might not have mentioned this before, but I am ashamed to admit that I am a well, lets face it, a slob to an abnormal degree. I do believe that if I get my living condition in order, the rest will follow. A clean home should lead to a clean mind right? I dont mind cleaning, I actually kinda like it - I just really suck at putting things away and organizing. I doesnt hurt that both F and I are on the packrat side. Sooo tempting to throw away some of his really old stuff that has been in boxes since he moved in, but I know certain things are special to me and I might toss something really special to him....

I am in a mellow mood so tonight we are going to my parents condo on the beach (a designer, if a bit to pristine, paradise high up in the sky away from the real world) to watch a movie, smoke some good pot, and take a jump in the ocean/and or hot tub. The fucking pool closes at 7pm. Can you believe that bullshit?

I believe if I were to reread this (which I wont), I would think myself a bit on the manic side - but maybe not.

I really cant believe that the pool closes at 7.

I lied - just reread, but didnt change anything, except for grammatical shit. Dont think I sound too manic. Think I was honest yet didnt crucify myself -perhaps in a plea for "oh, its OK, youre normal". I am trying to get to point where I tell my friends about this and not be ahsamed for what I write while keeping it as honest a possible. I dont see it happening, but ya never know.

I promise - next post will be about a vaction that started very bad, but endend very good.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

New Receptionist

We just hired one. She "J" is anorexic and a younger girl who works here on her summer break from high school wants to look like her. That makes me sad. M (younger girl) is beautiful. She isn't tiny but she has curves in all the right places. But she also wants to be an actress so is looking to look like Laura Flynn Boyle. Though beautiful in her own right, she will never have that figure, and she should thank her lucky stars for that. J is so skinny that her head looks about 2-3 sizes too big for her body. She had no lunch today. Makes me wonder if she eats.... Can't wait for this to progress. I feel bad for her but don't know what to say. I guess its too early to be butting my nose into someone else's business but I would hate to think that she thinks she looks fat. She looks like she is going to topple over from too much head weight!

Random Racist Thought: I don't trust unnaturally skinny people; its like they are hiding something. It also feels like they all think I am obese.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Are you there God?

In 1998, Josh Hempel, then 16, in Calgary, Alberta, became the then-latest person to be hit by lightning shortly after ending an argument by inviting God to strike him with lightning if he was wrong. (The subject of this argument was whether God exists.) He was hospitalized but recovered.

Hmmm, I've done that several times. Maybe I will stop now....

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Fools and Fanatics vs. The Wise

Philosopher, mathematician and writer, Bertrand Russell, once said, 
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are 
always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts."

Ain't that the fucking truth.  I guess the wise like to be sure they are right and will exhaust all other possibilities until they are certain.  This takes time.   Wise statement huh?  Well... I admit, not really.

Does this make you smarter if you don't believe in god?  Or the bible?  I believe in the bible.  Its an interesting work of fiction, one of the first (if not the first) about a man who had a message people liked.   Perhaps I think this because I finished that really popular book called.....well, frankly I don't remember.  All that comes to mind is "The Celestine Prophecy" but I know that's not the one.  Or maybe I thought this all along.  Yeah, for as long as I can remember, I have thought the bible an old work of fiction elevated to a false status by fanatics or people who need something, anything to believe in.  I don't understand that.  It is what it is (line from aforementioned book whose name I can't remember).

Still sad, but felt I had to post something.  I read the above quote and LOVED IT.

Hell, maybe I am such a funk b/c I don't have anything except the earth and universe to believe in.  There is no one guiding my life.  My destiny is in MY hands and I don't have the slightest idea what to do with it at the moment.  If only I thought a god could lead me to the right decisions - life would be sooo much easier.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Bush is a homophobe. And an IDIOT.

Instead of writing, I just copied and pasted this letter.  Please do what you can to stop this bullshit.  Find your representative and let them know that discrimination of any kind is WRONG!!!!
 

Dear MoveOn Member,
You'd think President Bush and the right-wing leadership in Congress
would feel chastened after the resounding defeat last week of their
Constitutional amendment denying marriage equality to same-sex couples.
But you'd be wrong. They're now pushing a bill that would prevent
same-sex couples from going to federal court to challenge laws that
discriminate against them. The House is about to vote on this bill.
Your Representative, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, is a key swing vote.
Please call now:
Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen
Office Phone: 202-225-3931
Be sure the staff members know you're a constituent, then urge your
Representative to:
"Vote NO on the Marriage Protection Act - H.R. 3313."

Please let us know you're calling, at:
http://www.moveon.org/callmade5.html?id=3118-3043870-LNTCq6EoVijzGDDlYBtS1A
H.R. 3313 would prevent federal courts from ruling on challenges to the
Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), a bill passed in 1996 which allows
states to deny recognition to same-sex couples legally married in other
states.
For the first time in U.S. history, the Bill of Rights would be defined by state borders. "Equal Protection Under the Law" might mean one
thing in Pennsylvania, and another in California.
Checks and balances are a fundamental part of our Constitution --
federal courts protect individual rights from overreaching by Congress
or the president.
Now, President Bush and some in Congress want to set this principle
aside to score political points in an election year. Don't let them --
call your Representative today.
Thanks for all you're doing.
Sincerely,
--Lee Bodner and Peter Schurman
MoveOn.org
Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
_______________
This is a message from MoveOn.org. To unsubscribe from this list,
please visit our subscription management page at: http://moveon.org/s?i=3118-3043870-LNTCq6EoVijzGDDlYBtS1A"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Monday, July 19, 2004

Really Sad, Really Long Spiral of Self Pity

  SKIP THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ A LOT OF PERSONAL ANGST.
 
-just a warning......
 
          God I'm having a bad day. 
          One of those where my skin is too thin. 
          EVERYTHING is bothering me today. 
 
I really hate saying this b/c I feel that it pushes the women's movement back like who knows how many years, but I think the culprit is PMS. 
 
          My boss, AKA, my mom, is really getting on my nerves today and all I can keep thinking, over and over and over again is "shut up bitch - I don't even want to work here - I gave you my 2 weeks notice over a year ago - but look - here I am - just a stupid dumbfuck idiot who would rather die a painless death than come back tomorrow.
 
  A while after I left home, I realized that my parents didn't try to fuck my life up and preclude me from having a social life.  They really did want me to be happy, thing is, they aren't perfect.  No one is perfect.  So though parents did and still do the best they can, they are bound to make mistakes.  Especially if one of the parents has a horrible temper that I seem to have inherited.   So now we have mother and daughter yelling (quite loud) at each other while daughter feels that it is perfectly w/in her rights to just walk out the damn door and never come back.  Then the guilt sets in.  When ever someone quits w/o notice it fucks everyone's life at work.  But then I remember- I gave notice over a year ago, trusting that they believed me.  They almost let me go after I explained not so calmly that I would rather be dead than keep doing this bullshit day after day after day.  I finally told them of my fantasy of renting a car and driving it off a bridge.  This really upset them.  That wasn't my intention - who knows what my intention was.  I like to think that it wasn't one of those sad cries for attention you hear about.  I have appented it twice and didnt talk about it untill years later (at least 5 - my parents still dont know - but if they had the econo size bottle of tylenol instead of aspirin, I would not be writing today). -ALL PARENTS OF TEENAGERS -  KEEP NO TYLENOL IN THE HOUSE - IT TAKES DAYS TO KILL YOU AND A SIMPLE STOMACH PUMP WONT HELP A BIT AFTER A FEW HOURS - ASPIRIN JUST GIVES YOU A REALLY BAD STOMACHACHE-  My dad said I could leave the next week, but I know that there is tons of work to do, and no one but family will work the hours to make it happen (though I do read a lot of blogs and play backgammon and chess throughout the day).   It's not like I REALLY want to die, it's more like I REALLY don't want to keep coming here day after day after day w/ false promises that it will end, which I no longer believe.  Death seems like a good option b/c no one can yell at me for bailing out.  Guess that's why it's the coward's way out.
 
Sidenote:  I told my psychiatrist about my driving off bridge plan in a joking way.  He has nothing but Mercedes magazines in his office and I saw all the safety features they have - it seems like 90% of the interior of my car is air-bag protected.  So I told him that even if I did try suicide it probably wouldn't work b/c my car is too damn safe.  He said I should watch what I tell him, or he could commit me.  Man, he really knows how to foster good interpersonal relationships doesn't he? Can you feel the trust I have for this damn turd of a man?  Yeah, didn't think so.
 
          I don't know what death is like, but it seems like it would be quiet and warm - maybe like a cosmic womb - no stress - extremely inviting at the moment.
 
          A nice alternative to death would be a temporarily (1-2 months) accident that doesn't cause any facial scarring (yes - very superficial I know).  This is the only other guilt free way to leave work but I haven't the slightest idea how to make it happen.  I don't want to lose any appendages and you can't guarantee this in a car accident.  I would also NEVER want to hurt another individual - something else you can't control in a car accident.  And finally - what always stops me - the pain left behind that I would be the direct cause of.  I think that no one would care but then I think that if one of my cousins did it (and I am not that close w/ any of them) it would hurt me tremendously.  I might be more sensitive than others, but I am pretty sure it would affect them negatively also.  As I just found out, if some one I don't even know takes the easy way out, it really fucking affects me.... 
 
I just left for half an hour and I feel better already.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I should have it tattooed on my forearm. 
 
I know this isn't fun reading.  This is for me.  MY THERAPY.  It seems to be working.  Kinda.
 
"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."


Friday, July 16, 2004

$10 tickets my Ass

  This sucked!  I tried to get on this morning from home but the box there wasn't working (I really think it hates me).  By the time I remembered at work Norah Jones tix were gone.  She was the one I really wanted to see, then Sting - who was also sold out.  So I got tix for Rush and KISS!!w/ Poison...Reminder:  Buy LOTS of hairspray!Its like my high school reunion all over again!
 
I like how 2 of these "$10" tix end up costing $39.10.  I guess I need to get over my memories of seeing stadium bands for about $25 a ticket for ALL seats.  Now even the bad ones are 35 sometimes.
 
 
"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."




Thursday, July 15, 2004

I'm on a roll today

Yeah Baby...

Fastest way to clean a REALLY messy desk?

Spill a pint of water all over it.

Poor calculator. Just when I was about to go home.

My desk is so messy I have developed a pretty bad ant problem this week.

At first I just saw one.
The next day I saw a few more.
Yesterday I found their trail (but not where it started).
Today they started crawling on me.
A lot.
This is what let me to investigate why the hell they decided to choose my desk as their new home. Hmm... might have something to do w/ the fact that I wont let the exterminator in my office. Anyway - I was looking for food (I saw 2 of them crawling up the wall w/ something that looked like food earlier) and moved my coffe mug - check - ant free, then I moved my water - nothing swimming in there. Then I started digging through the layers - you have no idea - I found 2002 shit in here (straight to the garbage can - if it hasnt been missed yet, it wont be now). While sifting, glass topples causing me to move much faster than i have in a while. I should have moved faster....

As I type on the only funtioning electrical thing on my desk at this moment, the ants dance around me, on papers, on me!, on the wall, on the moniter. I swear they mock me. I am starting to kinda hate them.

Why are they here??

I still havent found any food and they dont like my coffee or water.

I did find something good though - a free cruise to the Bahamas w/ 3 night hotel stay! I thought I lost that thing years ago.

I end on a happy note, wondering what interesting, most likely decrepit... um historic, hotel I will stay at. I say, the older the better - most everything in Miami is NEW.

=============================================
cont.. 8/17/04
I dont know how or why, but the ants went away after I spilled that glass of water. Calculator never came back to life though, and I still havent figured out how to make new one act like old one. Woe is me. Or idiot is me.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."


Month of Concerts!

I havent been to a concert in sooo long - I am going to all of these!! Such variety - and buying w/o checking to see what day of the week it is - very unlike me. I like to go home early on work nights but sometimes ya just gotta say - FUCK IT!

ONE-DAY $10 SPECIAL OFFER!
THIS FRIDAY, JULY 16 – 9:00am 'til 9:00pm
LAWN TICKETS FOR NINE BIG SHOWS JUST $10 EACH!
@ Sound Advice Amphitheatre
07.24 The Cure

07.28 Chicago/Earth, Wind & Fire

07.29 Rush

07.30 Kiss & Poison

08.17 Linkin Park, Korn, Snoop Dogg & more!

08.21 Crosby, Stills & Nash

09.04 Ozzfest 2004 featuring Black Sabbath

09.08 Sting & Annie Lennox

11.14 Norah Jones

LIMITED AVAILABILITY – GET 'EM WHILE THEY LAST!
...Click Here for More Details...

Ode to the Everglades

HOT SMOKED ASHY AIR
PLEASE RAIN ON RIVER OF GRASS
STOP PAIN IN MY THROAT

The idea for a haiku was inspired by Jett Superior

Well, I wrote it yesterday (tuesday - posting problems!!). The fires (or at least the smoke) seem to have calmed down since yesterday. I think this really shows how our climates are changing. Miami usually get inundated with rain during the summer months. There used to be no such thing as a dry summer in Miami. The 'Glades used to burn in winter - NOT SUMMER. Well you get the point - this is strange, wrong, and eerie.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

48 to 50

48 to 50. Too damn close. 48 of our senators are bigots. Kerry and Edwards didn’t even have the balls to vote but I will still vote for them. I am part of the ABB crowd “Anybody But Bush.” At least Nelson and Graham voted nay; all my e-mails and phone calls were not a total waste of time. It hate it when we win, but by a ridiculously small margin. It really makes me sad that people can be so intolerant. Fucking live and let live. When I saw the email that the vote was rejected I was jubilant until I clicked on the voting statistics. My heart dropped when I saw how close it was. I am sure Kerry and Edwards didn’t vote b/c they already knew how their peers would vote, but still – fucking get a backbone you lame ass cowards – oh, they are politicians – they have to be lame ass cowards or risk being unpopular- kinda like you never left high school. Oh - in case you are wondering, this is about the federal marriage amendment.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Blurb

It's not a good idea to call your "customer" a "costumer." That was going to be it, but I love hearing myself type so here's more.
I guess it really isn't so bad in my industry, because all my customers manufacture clothing, so in a way they are "costumers."

This mental blurb brought to you by: Deep Thoughts By Misha Smiley

On another note: On my last post I had edited it to talk about something someone had done that affected/bothered/hurt me. I was very hesitant to do so b/c I thought that they might stumble upon it and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of reading about themselves. After some mental deliberation, I decided I just wanted to put it out there to get it off my chest....

I edited the post, published it, but it wasn't there. I guess some things just aren't meant to be. UGH - that really sounded religious more than Zen, must be leftovers of the road rage that took hold of me this morning. I feel out of control w/ all the assholes making my purse spill on the floor 3 times today b/c I had to slam on my brakes to avoid said assholes. I actually cut some one off out of revenge - I think that might have been the first time I took revenge on the road, and mind you, I live in Miami, where I try to keep in mind that most drivers have guns so it really is best to live and let die on the roads down here. Sorry if this is too much train of thought to follow coherently. I have that problem A LOT. People need to wise up!
My theory on religion is that people turn to it when there is nothing else left. It is a way to absolve yourself of "sin". It was in God's hands, It was God's will. Who the fuck is God, and if God did exist and created us, don't ya think he'd let us know about him, and not let HIS planet go to hell b/c of religious intolerance.

Yeah - I need to get to work and go yell at some people until that Xanex kicks in.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

SAD

I feel like I am going crazy. I hope writing about this will put and end to this bullshit. My grandfather is dying. He is 92 and has had the best old age of anyone I have met as of yet. But I still cant stop crying every time I think of him lying in a bed dying. My poor Dad has called him everyday for the past 30 years or so since he moved to Miami. He left on his 60th birthday to go to New York to visit his father on his death/hospice bed. God - I'm fucking bawling here. This is bullshit. I have to get some composure for the funeral. I didn't even know him that well. Saw him about once every other year at best. In the past 2 years I have seen him 3 times though. I guess I am crying b/c I feel guilty for being such a shitty granddaughter. That must be it - just started crying harder. This whole writing thing just isn't working for me today.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Vacation, Vacation, Vacation!!!

A few days after my b-day, Fi and I went on a tiny (in duration and size) cruise to Grand Bahama. If I don’t see another buffet for the next….week, I will be a very happy girl, as opposed to a very full, bloated, and lethargic girl.



We rented a scooter from a guy named “Doobie” who, when asked what the coolest local part of town was, answered “the ghetto, maan”. I don’t know if he was full of shit or what but I definitely got the impression that the natives resent the tourists and I can't say I blame them as I also live in a tourist destination and mock them every chance I get.



I first visited the island back around 1988 and OH MY GOD HAS IT CHANGED. One good thing about the island is the deliciously warm and simultaneously crystal clear waters. We found a beach without a single person and I got to topless for a while.



**Side note: it’s a great feeling – if you haven’t tried it you really should.**



While we were in the water we could see a HUGE thunderstorm brewing on the other side of the island. It might have had something to do w/ the alternating extremely warm and slightly chilly currents flowing past us. I’ve been to beaches hundreds of times and have never experienced such distinct currents before.



I love getting away from the main crowd – the last thing Fi and I wanted to do was spend our day off the ship with the rest of our “mates” on a crowded island. That one of the major reasons we work. We both think the same ways in the times that count – free times.



We did go the ghetto for lunch and were not at all disappointed. I had the best cracked conch ever, and he had a great lentil and dumping soup. I believe we also drank more on this vacation than we have in the past year combined (we prefer the Mary Jane).



Our cabin was very cool also. We upgraded to one at the very front of the ship and you could tell by the shape of the room – really dark wood walls, ceiling, and basically everything else except for a few pink wall. We had this huge wooden support beam (shaped like a decorative I-beam) in the center of the cabin and a King size bed in a separate room. For us, this is way swanky. The Ship’s TV had “ship view” which was basically our view. It took us an embarrassingly long time to figure that out.



My favorite part of the trip was the last night. We went to the front of the ship which also happened to be the darkest part of it and watched the most amazing lightning storm brewing over Miami. There were stretches that had 8 full seconds of lighting. We couldn’t see any arcs, only the clouds lighting up in a spectacular display by my god – Mother Nature.



Standing at the front of the ship (almost Titanic style) with all that wind and nature showing us her best was mesmerizing and the pinnacle of a pretty cool and much needed escape.




"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Friday, June 18, 2004

To: Paul

Well, they say it's your birthday, well it's my birthday too!

And Isabella Rossellini.

Happy Birthday to us all!!

And today I step, or most likely fall, into the 3rd decade of my life.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Monday, June 14, 2004

Gave in to Curiosity

I thought I didn't care, but damn I'm curious. Do I have any lurkers? Now I will know. I finally installed a site meter. I think no one except for one person reads this, but now I will know. I hope it doesn't have a censoring effect. I really like being uncensored. I am a good girl w/ a devious side. One would never know by looking at me - oops except for that rather noticeable tattoo on my ankle. A part of me from when I was 100% funkadelic. Before real life began I had purple hair. Bright. Long. Despite this, people still saw through the weirdness and saw the good in me. I like those kind of people. I HATE the people who treat me differently after they find out what kind of car I drive, or that I am the bosses daughter. But I feel as if I got their card. I saw the true them, before they put on the mask of cordiality. I truly believe that how you treat "underlings" is the TRUE reflection of you.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Saturday Night at Work Being Naughty

I am at work late on a Saturday. I needed a break. What can I do now, that I cant do when there are others around?


Ahhhh.....I just had the most wonderful orgasm.

Thank you nature for giving women this gift of a whole body shuddering arriving in waves, moment of extreme pleasure.

Thank you again.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Friday, June 11, 2004

I am going on a cruise dammit

I wrote a lot about this.

How I never plan things.

How when I do, horrible things happen.

I was supposed to go to Europe 9/11. You know what happend.

I was supposed to go to DC, Richmond, and a cute B&B in the Blue Ridge Mtns. My future mother in-law died just a few days after the trip was supposed to start.

Conclusion - I have planned a fun vacation - Everyone better watch their backs.

This is the Cliff Notes version of what I had originally written.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Computer - You SUCK

I just wrote a shitload and when i hit post, my server went down. Great.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Friday, June 04, 2004

I need a new name

I need a new name. One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you.
I need a new name. One that won't get me high. One that won't let me down.
Only one that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you.

OK Huey, I will wipe the cheese off now. I seem to be covered in it.

Misha is gone. She has been gone for quite some time now. Though I still love looking at pictures of her, I think it is time to change the name of this thing. It is way too cutsie. That’s not how I like to represent my self. Maybe:
Bondage Chick or:
Head. Spinning. In. Clouds.
Both of these are more descriptive and I like them better. Especially the second one.
I also can't go around signing my name as Mish anymore. Not quite ready to use my real name, but I am too mature to go by a deceased dog’s name, no matter how much I love her, I am not her. I could use an old stripper name, but that is also in the past. So I don’t really think it is healthy to by her name. It was fun for a while, but now it just feels weird. Wow – I need a new name in more than one sense. Didn’t really think of that.


I want a glamorous name, but one that sounds like an alias – I don’t want to be too phony now.
Marilyn?
Ginger? I have a dog named Ginger, but am trying to find her a new home, but I really like her name. Definite possibility.
Anne? My middle name, so not really cheating here – I wanted to go by it when I moved away, but the only other person who knew me refused. Bummer!
Anyone out there who might have read anything here – have any suggestions? Don’t hold back, I kinda get a kick out of assholes (the commenting kind).


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Wedding Dress

Here I have pictures of my wedding dresses. This one will be worn at the reception. It looks MUCH better in real life. My mom liked this one.

This one will be worn at the ocean side ceremony. This one is the dress of my dreams.

Thanks to my wonderful mother, I got to have my cake and eat it too!

I am getting excited all over again!!

New date is 11/21/04.

Mark you calenders and crash the party for some free drinks!



"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Yeah, "Interesting" things always happen to Others

It's funny, I spent many hours thing what I would call this post and could come up w/ nothing that seemed meaningful enough, respectful enough, or deep enough. Then I realized, I am a sarcastic bitch, and that's what gets me through life. I can be irreverent, however inappropriate. It is my right. I just figured this out right now, as I sat down to write. The title just poured out of my fingers - it felt like I couldn't think right w/o typing or writing. That the main thing here - I try not to "prethink" things. As I think them, I write them. OK - I usually have a topic in mind, but today, I obviously don't know where to begin.

I am not sure, but I might have mentioned my suicidal thoughts here before (or maybe not for insurance purposes ;-\). I figured that when I couldn't stand my own head anymore I could rent a car (I like mine way tooo much) and just drive off any bridge - most likely the one over the Miami River right before you get onto 95 south from 836). Now that I have seen what it does to a family (not mine thankfully)hopefully those little demons will leave my mind for a long time. Every time I veered of the road at 90mph headed for that guardrail, I thought of my very loving parents (I am an only child and that carries a lot of guilt - at least for me - can't speak for all here- hate it when people do that), my very loving fiance who just unexpectedly lost his 54 yr old mom, my husky Jackson, rat terrier Papo(or fat terrier as I prefer b/c he really is mutt), little cute mutt Ginger (short and long - no clue as to breeding- but up for adoption {please contact me if interested - she comes w/ a lifetime return policy}; I found her abandoned or lost at the dog park and thought I would be able to find here a new home or preferably her old home right away, but 4 months later, still no luck) and last but not least my kitties - beautiful little "whitey" - real name Suzy, and giant Cosmo. I cant' leave all these souls w/o a mother, daughter, or fiance. The pain in my head is nothing compared to the collective pain of everyone who loves me should I die. This is the first time I have thought/written in depth about my own death w/o being in the mood to advance it. It takes a shock to bring you back to normal sometimes. It kinda looks like I am trying to find the silver lining to this cloud - this affected me more than I thought.

Last night my neighbor blew his brains out in the middle of the street w/ a sawed off shotgun. I avoided all bystander curiosity and never took a look at him b/c I knew it would be haunting (hello tears). I didn't know him, which makes it better for me, but also makes me feel really bad that I didn't know someone who lived right across the street and needed help that I might have been able to offer in some small way. He was the only thing I could see out of my bedroom window. Less than 10 feet off my property line he lay there for 5 hours until the firemen came and hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer. Right after the police left and the street was opened again, the cars w/ music blaring started up again. People where unknowingly walking their dogs right over the spot where someone lay dead for 5 hours. Really dead.
 
Unrecognizable.

A few minutes after the cops left they took down the crime scene tape from my driveway (please - I hope I never have to cross crime scene tape to go into my home) so I could park my car inside the gate and take it away from the "steal away spot" (Goodyear fucking sucks BTW), his family arrived. Luckily for them they arrived AFTER the firemen had hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer - I really hope they did a good job b/c I walk that way everyday. Until they arrived, I thought good, now the flashing lights are gone and I can finally get some sleep. But this was the hardest part of it all -they were 3 grown Hispanic men bawling harder than I have since Misha died. I have never heard a Hispanic man (especially an older one), sob like that. Poor me - I couldn't sleep all night - yeah poor fucking me. My life is great compared to maybe 60 percent of the population, my head is just fucked up and the meds (Welbutrin -at times I am that sad little blue bubble) aren't working that well lately but I am scared to change b/c of the withdrawal symptoms.

My dead neighbor had dogs, and one of them got out and lay down on the spot where his dad had been. That fucking broke my heart. I feel animals have pure souls yet are more intuitive than most humans can ever be- not always a popular opinion.
I have totally lost track of what I wanted to say and don't feel like rereading.

Summary:
Last night totally sucked.
Be careful what you wish for (something interesting to write about).
Never kill yourself while drunk or on some kind of drugs.
 
Suicide creates more problems than possibly imaginable for loved ones left behind - that's what always stops me.
     I am going to go buy him some flowers so that his family knows that someone out there is thinking of him - though I didn't know him. I hate that I don't know many of my neighbors. I helped organize crime watch parties for the sole intention of getting to know your neighbors (I guess in all fairness to my self he had just moved in a month ago - I did know the people who used to live there) and I was also on the board of the local homeowners assoc. to become more involved in neighborhood activities.

The police were so crass. To them it was just another day on the job. They were making plans for where they were going to have drinks once the paper work was done. But I guess you have to be that way if you see the same thing day after day after day. If not, you will probably go crazy. We all need coping strategies, unfortunately, I haven't found mine yet. On the other hand, they should be more sensitive to the neighbors. This is traumatic for us. We DON'T see this kind of thing every day. Blood and brains, not to mention a "body" aren't usually lying across the street. You can take things in stride w/o letting them affect you (they really have to), but you can still be more sensitive to others.

I Hope 2005 is a Better Year.
 
7/15/04
ps - I did know him, just didn't know where he lived.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."