Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Shit...(warning - not happy today)

I ordered about 4 semi's worth of product that they are sending ALL TOGETHER in a CONVOY tomorrow and our warehouse can only fit about 2 semi's worth of shit.

That would be one giant OOPS from me. I really aught to get a better grasp of the Spanish language because the order still says the same to me. I understood that I was to order the chain, not wait for instructions for a later date in which to place the order. If I am not supposed to place and order WHY THE HELL DID THEY SEND IT????

At first I thought it was funny in a ha-ha cute sort of way but about an hour later I feel really bad about this. Like stupidly bad. Like I am holding back the tears. I hate working here. I don't want to. I want to go out in the world again and make a living for myself independent of my parents. I feel like my paycheck is an allowance though I know I work damn hard for it. Really Fucking Hard. Why is it that heart and mind have so much trouble melding at times? There are so many times that I KNOW something but....yeah forgot where I was going w/ this. I think it had something to do w/ boys or something but I can't find a really good concrete example to illustrate what I am feeling. Tangled. Conflicted. Guilty. Shamed. Sad. Embarrassed (big time).

Yep. Fear of embarrassment. That has got to be it. Guess that falls under that whole little social anxiety disorder complex. Ever feel like you know too much for your own good? Do I feel this way b/c I know it has a "name" so that makes it ok in some way or another, or do I feel this way because I do? Jeez, even I don’t understand what that is supposed to mean. Only that at some point in time it made sense in my head. Oh - I was thinking about the self fulfilling prophecy theory. If you think it will happen, it will. If I know its out there, it will affect me. My first dog, the original Misha, not some lame imposter like myself, was very leash aggressive. One night while walking her shit faced drunk she actually sniffed butts w/ another dog and didn't try to kill it after. It made me wonder - is she leash aggressive because that is simply how she is, or does she sense my apprehension and therefore become overly protective?

Crap. I'm just going to take a Xanex and hope I feel better in about an hour b/c I am tired of feeling like the roof is going to come crashing down and I kinda want it to.

I was in such a positive mood earlier. I went island camping this weekend w/ the 3 dogs and didn't get a sunburn or sink the boat too badly. I was actually cold outside for the first time in who knows how long in South Florida. I then topped off the most awesome long weekend w/ a kick ass Beastie Boys concert. I was so happy, almost giddy. And now this. I feel like am 17. Steps away from independence but still trapped. Trapped by the shortsightedness of youth that prevents the light at the end of the tunnel from shining through. When I went to college a wonderful and unexpected thing happened. Well actually 2. The frizz left my hair! Though I only moved about 20 miles north east my hair got oh so much better. Even better than that - I no longer had constant suicidal thoughts. A few months into college I woke up and realized that I didn't go to bed every night wishing I was dead. It's an incredible revelation when you realize that life isn't hurting anymore. My life is good. I really should enjoy it. Its not perfect, but unless I start thinking too deeply, I can honestly say that I have a good life. I should remember that more often and stop writing this selfish drivel.

The photographer for the WEDDING just called. Just talking to her freaked me out. Now I have to arrange hair and makeup for next Tuesday. Ok - manager came in, saw me freaking out. As soon as I get the slightest hint of sympathy from anyone I can't stop the tears. They just come out. It's like I feel bad that they are wasting their sympathy on me and that makes me feel worse. What kind of idiot feels worse b/c someone feels bad for them? Me - I'm da Idiot.

"Voting for Kerry just might, fuck that - it will change the world."