Lord Byron

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more...

ok, i did something. are you happy now? I dont give a shit. I am. HAH!

~Obama 4 pres!!!~

feeling fat...

So instead of going to haagen daaz at 2 in the morning for a chocolate shake, I went to wallgreens and got myself my first pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk in like 10 years. I figured it would work out better with portion control and all that. I forgot (or chose to ignore) that portion control simply does not mean Eat The Whole Damn Pint!!!

My first mistake - nuking it for 30 seconds to make it a bit more scoopable. A wee bit too much time and it kinda turned into a milkshake consistency. That is a HUGE weakness for me. So I gave myself a nice half cup portion, smushed it up so that it was milkshake consistency and promply devored while savoring every single cool chocolaty bite or slup. Thing is I didnt stop there. I ate the whole pint :(

So much for portion control...

Also walking down the beach yesterday people where looking at me. They tend to do that. For the first time in a long time I was wondering if they were looking at me b/c I am fat (damn PMS just kills me!) Then I got a date w/ a super hot lifeguard. You can saftely assume that made me feel Much Better.

I am even too scared to get on the scale.

Sigh... have also been having an anxiety attack for about 5 days now. My right leg is numbish from the inside and so is my right arm but in a lesser degree. This is a direct indication of MS (google it) I am always tired, but I think that is the anxiety - I hold my breath for a while w/o knowing A Lot. I also sigh w/o knowing it A Lot. Will go to doctor on monday and start working on this.

About a year ago I felt the same thing at a lesser degree and only in my leg but that was after exercise so they assumed it was a pinched nerve. But as part of his job he also had to tell me what else it could be - MS. Can you say BOO!!! He told me that if it didnt go away in a few days to see my regular doctor - couldnt drive that far that day so went to the ER which is on the island. It lasted 3 weeks and of course I never saw my regular doc. Will See Him This Monday - Tomorrow. Knowing is half the battle after all. I am way too scared of it being bad news - which is why I never went the first time. I cant even tell my parents b/c they have their own problems and are always worrying about me. Dont want to make them worry more.

Relating to my last post - I dont know if I clarified but the suicidal thoughts are more serious and the fantasies. As I found out, it tends to be a spur of the moment decision. There just came a time when I wanted to check out. But then I had to answer the stupid phone. Bah and Yay at the same time :]

Hey You! reading this - you must let me know what you think. A simple anonymous thumbs up or down would suffice but I love long comments. Please appease me. Come on - just do it!

differences

just thinking about things.. If only I could remember them. On the phone w/ my mom while trying to write..not too easy.

OK.

Suicidal Thoughts vs. Suicidal Fantasies

Is there a difference? For me the thoughts are more non specific. I just want to die. The fantasies are more involved and might involve hurting others, which I feel bad for, because I hate to think of my self as a bad person. Sure I have made some selfish choices but they dont necessarily make me a bad person. The fantasies are more planned. I like my car so I want to rent one and drive off a bridge with that one. My mom presses a painful button and I picture her hearing a bang and seeing the inside of my car suddenly spattered in red. Yeah, real nice. Its like I am 13 all over again. I could do it in her car and REALLY piss her off. As if simply doing it in my car wouldnt make her go ballistic.

Stupid vs. Living Life On The Edge

I used to think that people who didnt wear helmet on motorcycles automatically put them on the low end of the "Survival of the Fittest" spectrum. But how boring would life be if Everyone rode a helmet. If no one was willing to take a chance to feel the wind blow through their hair. For that very reason I Never wore a bicycle helmet but Always wore a motorcycle helmet with leather pants and jacket. Not only did I look cooler, I was Safer. But was still willing to go 100 MPH on one...

Living vs. Non Living

At the moment I do not really feel as if I am living. Just kinda feel dead on the inside and am not really too keen on seeing other people. Thing is that when I do see other people I usually enjoy it for abuout 5 houors. Left the typos b/c when I saw them, I actually said out loud "wow - that's pretty interesting". I guess living would be painting my townhouse, cleaning up the weeds around it (not a bad idea for monday), volunteering with Shake a Leg (google it -way too lazy for links), getting a fucking job, even just going to the damn beach would be something rather than a big fat nothing. Getting out of bed before 1 might be nice. Going to bed before 4 w/o thinking it an accomplishment that it early would be nice. Writing more would be really nice. Stopping being such a fucking blog addict would be nice. I can spend 10 hours reading blogs and love finding good new ones and reading their archives. Doing that with Violent Acres and Pioneer Woman at the moment.
aside - google reader is awesome. I you RSS me (I think you can) you will know when I post so you dont have to keep checking. I am well aware that my writing efforts are erratic at best.
When on vacation I never hit internet cafes and check email or myspace or anything like that. Daily blog reading is my real life and I like to escape that on vacation. Will be leaving for about 3 weeks soon (god I feel like I just wrote this..) The first half visiting a friend in Kauai (google it) and the second half visiting a friend in San Fransisco. I would soooo live there if it wasnt so damn expensive. At the moment (and it has been a years long moment) I want to live in a small college town in Blue Ridge or Smokey or Appalachian Mnts. Or Bozeman. Someplace with beautiful views, incredible nature, and most of all, cool, laid back people. I need to explore my art. Yes I do. In the worst/best way possible.

Later.

it does make me feel better

"Thanks, i hope my misery makes u feel better."

Like really, really, big smile on my face, better.

Is that so horrible? Above written by the person who ditched me week before we were supposed to go to India. Also, he just told me the real reason (maybe the 3rd real reason) he changed his mind was b/c he did not find me attractive and needed to be attracted so somebody...aw fuck it - he said it better..

"when i saw some of the photos u sent i realised i wasn't attracted 2 u as i thought. call me shallow but i need 2 be attracted 2 someone 2 be with them."

Funny thing is, though he has a great body I wasnt that attracted to his photos, much more to his personality. And he had quite a time to review those pics, only to tell me ONE WEEK BEFORE not to bother to fly half way around the world to meet him. GRRRR!!!

Shaun Robinson is his name. I am so fucking mean for putting that there and stupid considering the pics he has of me... But it is such a generic name...

I dont feel the slightest bit of pain that he had to cancel a snorkeling trip b/c of a negative feedback. Instead of replying with his version of the truth, he is deleting his account. What a wittle baby. I only feel bad that about 1000 lovely pics wont be available for viewing. I kinda feel like posting the whole email thing here because I get really creative when I write a mean letter. Its hard to understand though, because the whole thing is sopping wet with sarcasm - forget that dripping shit - soaking i tell you!

The website in question is called travel buddy. Even though I had a severely sour experience I still think it is great. It is for people who love to travel and share stories. Hmm... he could close his account and open up a new one so I should save the negative feedback I wrote for him somewhere in case I need to re post it. I can be evil in small ways. Especially with words. But feel I gave a very fair portrayal of what happened. In fact, here it is. Tell me if you think it's too much and if I should delete it. You thousands of imaginary readers out there.

Have you met in real life? No
Did you meet through TravBuddy? Yes
Have you traveled together? No
Why are you leaving a negative vouch for going2asia2007?

"We had planned on meeting in India (I am from the USA - he from Australia.) I asked him many times if he was REALLY OK w/ me traveling w/ him and his friend. I got repeated yeses. When I finally bought the ticket he seemed ecstatic. This was going to be a trip where I planned nothing and was happy to just 'follow along' and enjoy. We discussed this trip by email and phone for months. A week before my departure date he sent me an email w/ various contradicting excuses as to why he did not want to meet me in India any longer.

I am only writing this to protect other people from making the same mistake I did. I knew I was taking a risk, but he seemed so happy that I was going to join him and all my friends said Kiwis were the best travelers ever. I was blown away by the email. He knew I had made no plans and India is too large to plan a trip in a week so I ended up canceling it. Oddly, I still think he is a 'good' person. His emails sounded like he felt bad...but I felt a thousand times worse i am sure :)

I so wanted to vouch for him, but in a completely different way. This happened in October so I have had plenty of time to 'get over it' and I have but again feel that other people should know that this is a real possibility when traveling with this person. Make plans to travel if you like, but always have a back up. I was way too trusting. Hmmm...33 years and that continues to be one of my biggest problems. Jaded and too trusting...How are those reconcilable?"


I even left out his name b/c it was not in his profile. I mean, how much nicer can I get? Jeez!

electricity is good

its a nice thing. It really sucks when you don't have it. So most of Florida is kinda fucked. As usual, I have power in my glass fortress. Oddly, yesterday the elevators were not working for 20 minutes...which killed me b/c I was, as usual, running late for my $250/hr non-refundable if I miss it psychotherapy appt. Apparently my parents are not falling for my argument that everyone would be better off if I were "gone" and are trying to get me serious help. Also neat - most people can talk about something and stay on topic. Dr. Dude noticed that and it seemed to be a good thing that I am aware of it, though I cannot really help it.
As I was leaving the Dr. office I noticed traffic was there - like always. But the lights were not working. And McDonald's only took cash... Then I realized that all the lights on US1 were not working - this is a 6 lane major road.

OOHH, they are telling Tampa/Orlando 10 hours for power, but have been telling us 2 hours for an hour... "They" say there was no terrorism involved but The Turkey Point Nuclear Facility has been shut down. That shit gives me goosebumps. It tripped off at 1:09 b/c of lack of power. I dont see how we can have power in 2 hours if it involves restarting a nuclear power plant.
Damn, I just heard that cellphone and email stuff is not working either. Ahhh, traffic lights are now working :) This must have gone down right after I left the Dr. office. The office and my parents house both lost power and regained it w/in a half hour.
Driving home reminded me of driving after hurricane Andrew. The looks of confusion were there, but the lights, though not working, were also still above ground and there were no trees to navigate around. So yeah - JUST like after Hurricane Andrew.
Dude, Disney has no power...have they not heard of generators?? I bet that anyone in Disney World has no idea that power is out, b/c Disney is run oh so very smoothly. They must have super giant, super quiet generators - the news is just informing us that Disney has no juice.
I did not see planes circling over MIA so I thought that was cool, but there have been many departure delays. Also Miami is in a heat wave now. I cant help but laugh - heat wave in February. Many fire trucks just passed by... Hit 90 today and is now 85 and if it wasn't so damn windy I would be at the beach but hey...

But still, this "Florida is losing power" shit is kinda freaking me out. I feel like I drank a giant coffee. The best was when I was driving home a crackhead/panhandler started directing traffic. If only he has a bucket then, I would totally have given him money. Now that I really think about it, he was way too clean to be a homeless crackhead. Hmm...Some Sunpasses are not working...Sucks for the transit authority.

3,000,000 people across the southern end of the state are out. Weird. No one really knows why... That is the weird part. We don't know if Turkey Point was shut down or if it shut itself down. Something tells me we will never know.

Ok, so I am tired of hearing about people not having power and being stuck in elevators and very thankful that I am not one of those.

GRRRR - I just got a big red ERROR line on top of my screen. Blogger better not be based in fl.

So something happened, no one really knows what, but we are in no danger from the reactor and will have power by 6. That would be nice for Florida.

lost

who is this new pilot who was supposed to be flying guy?

I saw a psychotherapist today and I actually like him. Quite unusual, but I felt a good vibe. It's kinda (reallllllllly) sad that I justify paying $300 to see a therapist b/c at least I have to take a shower, get dressed, and get out of the house.

I have a boy who is my age moving in tomorrow. He is not rich...why cant i be attracted to rich guys? WHY does $$ seem to turn me off? Maybe those that actually have to work for a living are better. I think I just happen to have the good fortune(?) to be attracted to artists. And somehow artists just happen to be really (and I mean really) good in bed. But its all weird. It reminds me of Gene...living together for the wrong reasons. Except I dont work w/ Mike, and it will be only be the two of us, no 5 other roommates to diffuse the tension.

How did I get drunk so fast? Suddenly my eyes cannot focus. I amm druunnck.

Damn, I just saw a Pedigree commercial w/ the cutest puppy golden. I wanted him/her so much. "for every puppy adopted there is one one not adopted" killed me. drunk so just started crying and wanted THAT overlooked and all to adorable staged for TV puppy.

But dude, i got a husky and 3 cats. I am doing my part, and my parents are paying for most of their care.

better off without me

DISCLAIMER: I PLAN TO WALK MY DOG TOMORROW

I am so sick of everyone worrying about me. So often I feel that if I were to just DO IT, there will be intense pain at first. But that has to fade, right? At least then they wont be constantly worried. They will know. But I cant hurt them that way. But I feel like a money drain and that I am just breathing air, that someone deserves more than I. Guess I am in feeling like a waste of a human being mood.