Tuesday, January 29, 2008

coolest tent evar

I so want this tent, though it is so not practical. I just thought it was the cutest one ever. It also just happens to run from $4,000 to $5,000. Besides the price it is not perfect for me because it is a four season tent. I need to have two tents. One that is as much mesh as possible for FL camping and a winter tent for mountain camping. This one is too big for hiking and too hot for FL so it is useless to me, but that doesnt mean I cant covet it. Its from North Face too, so its like the best of its kind. Even if it is the only geodesic tent out there. I want an orange geodesic tent. But I dont need one :)

Was also checking out diving gear. All these watches are water proof to 330 feet but only water resistant to salt water. Is there really good diving to be found in fresh water lakes? I just cant picture a fresh water reef. They would be good for spring/cave diving but that is a whole other much more dangerous type of sport.

I want to dive Cozumel and the great barrier reef before I die. Hmmm.... Another reason to live besides "I cant die, because I live by myself and if I were to kill myself, 3 cats and one dog would die." Dont believe in god, but if I did let my babies die out of my own fucked up selfishness I think I would really deserve to go to hell. Yeah, and heaven would be way boring. I would know NO ONE THERE!

from my first real boyfriend

he said this always reminded him of me


Naked, you are simple as a hand,

minimal, supple, earthy, transparent, round.

The lunar markings, the pathways through the apple,

are yours; naked, you are slender as wheat.

The cuban blue of midnight is your color,

naked, I trace the stars and tendrils in your skin;

naked, you stand tawny and tremendous,

a summer's wholeness in cathedral gold.

Naked,you are tiny as your fingernail;

subtle and curved within the daybreak's pink

you thrust yourself into the subterranean world

a tunnel's length through our duress and clothing:

your clarity trims its flame, unfurls, or covers over,

and again you issue, naked as your hand.



I was in 7th grade, maybe 9th? And totally thought i was fat, but in retrospect i wasnt.

Also the the other night I had dinner w/ someone from the building. We were in the elevator together and he asked me if i wanted to grab some pizza, I was starving so i said sure. He introduces me to everyone as "the prettiest girl in the building". After dinner we watched a movie at him place. It was pretty slow paced so I had a lot of time to talk. He is a doctor. I asked him a question he couldnt answer and was quite impressed. I love the moment of discovery when someone realizes I am smart. When I was 20, and I guess a lot cuter someone actually said, wow, you dont look smart. He said most girls in miami are so cardboard and i must agree w/ him there. The thing is I dont play the game. I look good, but i dont wear make-up, I wear heels like once a month and i live in flip flops or boots depending on the weather. Well, so now I am not only the prettiest girl in the building, I am also the smartest one. Right On!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

I am odd.

Down on south beach with the most beautiful and wonderful Julie, we passed a club playing 80's rock. I fucking love it! I got id'd at the door and then realized that if I know all the words to almost every song you are playing, there is no way I would be under 21. But i would have gotten pissed if he didnt ask for it.

Some people have a mental filter. When I drink, mine don't work too well. As I was leaving, I asked where I was and what the name was. Between 12th and 13th (dont remember what st. exactly, but I can figure it out) and it's called Felt.

"Cool, I like 13 and I love to be felt so I can remember this easy"

And dammit, I hurt a really old friend by being an idiot. I am sorry to have brought your pain back to the surface. I really am. I read what you post and I cant help but cry every time. But then most anything can make me cry. I guess not really. I have not cried that much lately. Cant say I have been happy. Just dont think about things. Still with the whole life is great till I think about it thing. I can cry for other peoples pain, but mine seems so vast and deep inside that I cant even touch it. I just know it's there. And I should deal with it. But it is so much easier to ignore it. My main reason for not killing myself is that I live by myself and take care of 3 cats and a dog. If I were to die, then they would too, and that final thought just kills me. I could never be selfish enough to let 4 animals starve to death... But I was selfish enough to try and I need to get over that already. MOVE ON! IT IS THE PAST! GET OVER YOURSELF! if only it was that easy...

How did I let such a fun and great night turn into a sad pathetic post? It was nice to get out :) And very nice to see the sun rise.

Friday, January 25, 2008

I am cat-like and I like it

and so was Misha. Though she wanted to eat them, at times she was very much like a cat. She was very loving, but would ignore you if she got mad at you for something. The first time she had a yard she played w/ a ball just like a cat would. She also climbed chain link fences like a cat does.

grrr....I wanted to go to sleep early tonight.

watching "have a wedding"

Love is a game
and games can be fun
Love is a game
and games should be fun
(not my words, from a song in the movie - they just really strike a chord with me and I did not want to forget them)

some blog along w/ the state of the union. I really admire them for that. I am blogging about a not so good, yet not horrible movie tonight - many spoilers...

dude, i get that jason biggs is sad, but i have hit rock bottom and am still glued to it, but I have NEVER had the urge to drink pickle juice out of the jar for breakfast. But then I cant ingest anything but water and pills till at least 3 hours of awake time...

have i told ya'll how much i love watching movies that are in the theaters on my laptop? Cuz it really fucking rocks! VeohTV is da bomb.

Any one who reads this, I love you. Let me know if you like it, or if its just crap. While i hope you like it, i happen to think its pretty much just crap so you cant hurt my feelings there. I dont want "comments", i want "feedback". I want a site like Mihow's. The entries are awesome, but the conversations in the comments are what make it.

Just Wrong
watching movie - dad bites into sandwich and daughters diaphragm (how the hell is anyone supposed to know how that is spelled? i had one for a year and had no clue how to spell it) just happens to be in it? so, so very, very wrong.

OMG - so funny
old people having kinky foreplay w/ whipped cream.

they travel in buses. I dont know why, but unless it is a straight line i dont do buses. Any train system in the WORLD no prob, but switching buses just seems like a pain in the ass. I do remember doing it many years ago, before I was 16, but I was always w/ someone who knew how to work it. I like the bus system in San Fran though. I dont know if i used it, but i was able to walk through most of the city back to "homebase" thanks to the wonderful bus shelters. Each one had a map of the city with a you are here dot. Paris could use that. Miami could use that. Mexico buses are different. On an overnight destination to destination trip we stopped all the time, in the middle of nowhere to pick people up. People were sleeping in the aisles. Also, their buses are more like collectivos. Which i guess translates into "collective". They were pick ups with wooden frames attached to the back. I have seen people standing on the bumper and holding on and that is considered OK. At least there you tell them where you are going, you get there for like 40 cents, and you get dropped off where you want. Great for adventurous tourists. However, there are none running between 2-4, the hottest fucking hours of the day to be standing on the side of a "highway". My ex's dad actually saw us waiting for a ride and did not stop. OMG. We eventually hitched a ride with a preacher who was going to the exact same "town" we were going to. The insane riptides there had claimed the life of a marine biology professor and he was doing the whole funeral thing. I never went swimming in those beaches. Here I can swim out forever and feel fine on a normal day, but there the riptides could take you out to sea in seconds. Apparently many peopole die there. It is called Las Bahias de Huatulco in Huatulco (he-he, spellcheck does not recognize Huatulco as a word and the first suggestion is Flatulence - I just dont get it), Mexico. We were staying in Zipolite - a town on the southernmost and westernmost part of Mexico. It is wonderful. I hear Puerto Angel is also nice, but all I remember about that was a giant pig walking the streets and a bridge built to go over a giant mud puddle.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

And I Want To BE One

You Would Be a Pet Cat

Independent and aloof, you don't like to be dependent on anyone.
And as for other people, you can take them or leave them. You often don't care.
You live your life by your own rules. And you have deep motivations that no one truly understands.

Why you would make a great pet: You're not needy or greedy... unlike other four legged friends.

Why you would make a bad pet: You're not exactly running down to greet people at the door

What you would love about being a cat: Agility and freedom

What you would hate about being a cat: Being treated like a dog by clueless humans

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I got me an xmas present!

Now to me, a good present is one that is completely impractical yet totally wanted. I have wanted purple contacts forever, and I finally bought me some! I don't want them to look real, I like the funky look, but if they look real that would be cool too. Only $40! Because i stole a copywrited image here is where i got the contacts. They have tons of other really cool kinds. Its neat to browse.

I had recently seen something where a dead victims eyes (on TV) were cloudy and open. This after having a discussion the previous day about why they always close every dead persons eyes and they stayed closed. I learned during the worst night of my life, that when you close the eyes of the dead, they just pop right back open. I said bye to her till here eyes got cloudy and her paws got cold. (Wow Tangent) The point was brought up that on TV and Movies they close the eyes because people blink a lot. But then I saw the dude w/ the wide open cloudy eyes...maybe they numbed his eyeballs so he would not blink? Anyway, I thought cloudy contacts would have made an excellent addition to my dead lady Halloween costume, but though they sell almost every imaginable type of contact, nothing cloudy. So I only went purple. Which if you remember correctly, IS my Favorite color. Purple Rocks!

Perhaps I can go as a young elizabeth taylor as I now have violet eyes and all, or at least will in a week. It will be odd to wear contacts again. It has been 6 years since i had lasix surgery and at that point I never thought I would wear contacts again. Damn my funky vanity. Perhaps that it why i like my tattoo. Because of it I am permanently accessorized, which works great for me b/c I never wear jewelry.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


My dear beloved first dog
In your eyes there was craziness and calmness
Sadly you were only with me for 7 precious years
Happiness for you was when you were chasing cats and jumping fences
At least you died doing what you loved best, and I don't mean being hit by white trucks that don't stop


Because I need an outlet
Lonely so much
Only me and my animals
Great to have an outlet, or 3...

um, one of my first attempts at poetry. Hope to improve.

Monday, January 07, 2008


Coming here is like going into the next room and wondering "Ok, I walked here for a reason, if only I could remember what it was..."

Got it!

I have been really good about the whole not smoking thing. But today I woke with exceptionally bad cramps and I really want one! wah!

Actually called two head docs today. Making progress baby!

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Da Simpsons

Tonight's episode of the Simpsons was one of the best ever. Ralph for President! I have thought how cool it would be to fuck up an election w/ a write in candidate. The best was that even Lisa thought Ralph would be good, and she could be his "First Ladle". Ralph was just like Bush, but nice. I hope they continue with this story line. Although I just realized that for all I know, it could have been a repeat. Hope it wasn't and they continue with the story line. Please

Saturday, January 05, 2008

upon entering

Every time I walk inside my apartment I swear I hear a little beep. And that is the only time I ever hear it. I would be lying if I said it did not freak me out a bit.

Oh yeah, the other day when I was talking about it feeling like freezing tropical storm force winds, I was right. The temp dropped to 32 (although probably not when i was outside) and 2 tiny palm trees in the dunes got kinda broken in half which is pretty odd behavior when I think about it. Usually palm trees lose their tops or just fall over. But I have never seen any that were only 5' high and they didn't have "solid" trunks, more like trunks made up of many shoots. Perhaps that is why they broke. They were also planted by the "Condo Association" and had no business living in the dunes where it is clearly posted that foot traffic will result in a fine up to $500. Maybe it's just me, but I can't see how they were able to landscape the dunes w/o stepping on then. I have wanted to turn them in but i figure i will just have to pay the fine in the long run. Also, my friend who is a palm tree god, says these are among the stupidest to plant next to the ocean.

Another thing...(and i said i was going to quit this thing - just made me think more) damn. Totally forgot what that other thing was.... Yeah - The Shadows

I was sitting in the chair next to the window facing the ocean right before sundown and the shadow of my building almost made it to the horizon. It was amazing. A little sad, but very neat. Especially when a boat very far away passed though it. At first I say this tiny golden spot and as it went through the shadow it turned grey/white and then back to having the sunset reflect off it. I remember going out in our little tiny boat. Sunset is such a beautiful time to be out on the water. Everything is constantly changing colors depending on your perspective. I miss it. And dammit, I miss being part of an "us" or "we". And i hate talking to mom. I used to have no problem being single. Oh yeah, I lived 1,000 miles away and had some sanity left at the time.

of course i have more to babble about, but i will wait till next time. i hope i remember :]

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I am not giving up here. Its just my new mantra is "Life is great, as long as I dont think about it" and coming here makes me think about it, and just really fucking sucks.

I just came back from a dog walk, though i hate leaving the safety of my walls, the walks always make me feel better. Why cant i just focus on that??

Well last night was like 40 w/ like 20-30 mph winds. I forgot my hat. My ears froze. It sucked. For the next walk I found some ear muffs and my hat. I was thinking about writing here. Describing the wind as something so strong you had to hold on to your hat when my hat actually flew off and i had to run full speed to catch it LOL. So maybe this will be just blurbs. Little tiny thoughts from now on out w/ pics and the occasional long post that make no sense. I used to feel silly putting down a 5 sentence or less but if thats all it is, then thats all it is. I think it might be cute to look back on my silly thoughts like a that a week or so later. Because I pretty much change my mind ALL the time.


i dont know if i like writing here anymore. it just doesnt feel right anymore. I guess i dont have much to offer so bye. Damn, I just started thinking how this "post" originally started..

just came here because i wanted to but i really dont have anything in mind. Guess thats when I started thinking about things. I hate it when i do that. Guess that why I dont want to write here anymore. I think people i know read it. I know some did but am not sure if they still do and i just cant bring it up. Except I just did. Pretty sneaky huh.

I just edited a post for the first time - days after it was up. I dont want this to be something i have to worry about. What i mostly do is worry about hurting someone elses feelings to i edit out a lot and write knowing that someone will read so I have to.....

whatever, started thinking ahead and lost my train of thought. I hate it when bloggers delete their blogs. I hope they are just down and not GONE. I cant imagine erasing everything or even anything here. I guess that is what "save as draft" is for.

OK, the thought of completely giving up on this of course makes me think of Misha and I feel its a dishonor to her memory to stop writing. I dont care if was "only" a dog. She was so much more to me than that. She always made me smile or go crazy. Its really stupid to equate writing anything to her but this thing is named after her...so like you see, right?

Also just bought a mini notebook to keep in my purse. Its great! I can write whenever but i hate that its on paper. Sorry bout that - really didnt want you to find it. I guess I am just way sad right now and will come back when i have something happy to say. So its not really bye, just see you later. But damn if that isnt negative thinking. I am dying for a cigg. Just popped in my first "Commit" lozenge. Well not my all time first but my first in my quest to really quit. They taste nasty. Kinda like a cigg, a minty, slimy, one with a ton of saliva. Have had enough of this. It is leaving my mouth now. My throat hurts - odd.

Yeah, so I try to write, but only nonsense comes out. Sorry. Going under the radar.