Friday, December 28, 2007

guess its time to return here

I have been elsewhere, writing totally under the radar. I guess its time to think about those new years resolutions...

1. QUIT SMOKING - I feel pretty positive about this

2. STOP BEING SO DAMN DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME!!!! pretty much...forgot...positive thinking??

3. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE - I pretty much only get out to walk Jackson

4. TRY A NEW MEDICINE REGIMEN - as this one really is not working

5. SEE A THERAPIST - I hate my life and need to do something about it.

6. CLEAN THE APARTMENT - it so needs it!!!!!

7. FIX MY DOGS SKIN RASH - i feel so bad for him and like such a horrible mother

8. SEE MY FRIENDS MORE OFTEN - many people like me for some reason or another. guess cuz i am nice an sweet ;>

9. TAKE JACKSON TO THE DOG PARK MORE OFTEN - the poor guy deserves it. i just suck :[

10. FUCKING LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE ONCE IN A WHILE....had a better one but i forgot sleep..

Friday, November 23, 2007

hanging my head in shame

I am watching Hannah Montana. (disclaimer - have only watched it twice before, but i must confess, i found it entertaining. dont understand why every one loves her so much though....

While I am confessing, lets see what other things i feel like putting out there.

if you dont know me, i am a complete slob.
i loved charmed and the gilmore girls
i am a sucker for romance novels - just kidding - i cant even deal w/ them for airplane reading
i watch wayyyy tooo much tv
i have a pastel house inside...
i really think i suck, which in itself really sucks. but at the same time, i know i am a good person???

damn, thats all i can think of. either i live a life i am proud of, or i dont want to divulge the really bad stuff :)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

turkey day

this was going to be my first one alone. yeah, i could call people - but i am one damn stubborn lady. I once got fired from a pizza place b/c i did not know how to ask for help. Mmm, will eat that pizza soon! It's Bottoms Up in RVA. Hell, even if it was just me and my ex, it felt alone. But this was going to be my very first one alone. I figured hell, I have wanted the world to leave me alone, and i guess i got what i wanted. Well to be fair, not really. Its all a result of poor planning. Was going to spend tonight at a potluck dinner in Brunswick, GA at The Hostel in the Forest. poor planning ruined it all. They dont allow dogs and I could not find a boarder that was open on thursday. So i just decided to stay put...wait for the sadness to pass....drink and take anti-anxiety forget that even though i have a giant family and invites (but these were from friends i sleep with) that i kinda decided, by not making a decision, to spend today, like most other days, alone. Then my Jay called. He is a truck driver so i thought he would be alone today also. But no - he is in miami! And invited me to kenny's thanksgiving! I went to nursery school w/ Jay and Kenny so I really feel like they are family. This is going to be fun and different. Kennys (ha-ha little no more) sister will be there with her long time husband aka high school boyfriend and their toddler daughter. I get to spend it w/ family that I feel are mine, but a different kind. There is no doubt that any of them would not be invited to our turkey day it it was here...

sigh...there are pretty fall leaves to be seen and am just loving the incredible weather here. Like wonderful beach weather. Makes it too easy to forget what i am missing. Thank you so much Jay for calling, and thank you me for answering. And thank you Kenny for having me. You guys rock so damn much!!!!!!!!!

So i guess Happy Thanksgiving Day to all!!!

Friday, November 16, 2007


no one can tear you down and make you feel suicidal like your mother. Or maybe just mine. Is it me, or does it seem like driving the mnts till i hit snow and then visiting friends around the east for 6 weeks such a horrible idea? True, I have been in a deep depression for years...and some sort or another kind of depression since I was 13. So I am kinda used to it. But it has never been this bad. I just think this trip will be wonderful for me. But my mom is flipping out over how irresponsible it is. I have been unemployed (except for a few brief stints) sine june 3, 2004, the day i really tried to kill myself. Why is another 6 weeks of being irresponsible such a horrible thing. Yeah, its selfish, but i kinda think its my life. they have done a lot for me, but buying me a house was just to bribe me to return to miami. She actually told me that because of all she has done for me, its not my life. So I told her to sell the townhouse. I want to own as little as possible. As Janis Joplin said, being free means having nothing to lose. I love the idea of just having me and my dog, on the road. Then the thing w/ the tour and bus in the summer/fall. I will move after that, so she can sell the townhouse before I leave. God, I hate to ask, but I always expected the value of the townhouse would be mine... maybe i could ask for the difference in depreciation? I know she does not want me to live in poverty... I am giving her ALL my real jewelry, whether she gave it to me or not, under the partial guise that i dont want to be in a position to sell it. We dont that in MY family. And I am enough of a disappointment. Jewelry thing is part of owning nothing. Who needs jewelry when you want to be a nomad? I love the townhouse, but i hate the city - any city. I have decided i want/need to live in a cool small hippie mountain town. I cant imagine it would be that bad. Its so cheap, any job could pay the bills...except those credit card ones. God I want to get better, and the blue ridge always makes me feel sooooooo good!!!! Why cant she understand that...she hates nature, so i guess she never will.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

about last post and comment

who ever you are, i loved your thoughtful insightful comment. I have a feeling you met on TravBuddy - are you one of my friends? Damn, I have been drinking too much though tonight is the first night since sunday that i have drank...i hate hangovers, and had one monday, that i dont even remember writing it. But i still stand by it. I believe I have written about survival of the fittest before. Something that you wrote, about everyone wearing helmets, made me realize that if everyone wore helmets, no matter what a good idea i think they are, we might just have a very boring society.

I refuse to wear a bicycle helmet because i love the feel of wind through my hair. I suppose this directly transfers to a motorcycle. The people that take chances are the ones who change the world - in my humble opinion. I can only imagine that a society of conformists would be like the middle ages. I get quite cynical. I have a few good friends that would never dream of riding w/o a helmet so thats how I feel. I have been on a moped many times w/o a helmet though - got a ticket for it once - in SPAIN. I think thats the right color for it.

I suppose mating w/ my ex-husband (a)because we were so much alike, (b) because we did not have a balance, (c) because we did not get along, would have been a disaster. I would have found my self a single mom, although w/ i am sure a supportive father. watching tv-jon stewart...lost train of thought... but someone just said that Gen. Patreus thinks Jon Stuart is a pussy. LOL over and over and over again... being drunk and talking(writing) to yourself is fun :)

I guess i felt compelled to write because i have always equated survival of the fittest (in which i I completely related to this)to being wearing helmets. But god, how damn boring would it be if nobody ever took risks. One could take my point and expand on it to say that we should eliminate swings, because they too, can be dangerous. That thought makes me damn nauseous.

Person who has been commenting, send me your email - would love to talk to a Canadian - or anybody - who loves dogs :)

Sunday, November 11, 2007

survival of the fittest

just heard on the news that a pedestrian was killed while crossing I-95. Obviously this person would not have contributed much to our gene pool. How bout that - i can be a total bitch!

Kinda think the same about motorcycle riders who choose not to wear helmets and oh so many other people. Hell, I am not even sure I am "fit" enough "mentally" to responsibly reproduce. LOL - kinda...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

watching MI 2

back when i though tom cruise was still hot. and i still do in this movie. so sad that after my everlasting lust for him since Top Gun that he has become so damn Micheal jackson like. Also, at least in one shot - his eyes were the exact same color as mine! I always loved his eyes. Nice.

Friday, November 09, 2007

breaking up

its hard. I am not used to be being broken up w/. And i really hate breaking up w/ people. I always feel it should be mutual. Like they should understand why it cant work between us. The last 2 that broke up w/ me were so cold. Just said it and that was it. No more communication. Ever. So harsh. Wish i got over it sooner. Cuz i guess i am pretty much over it now i guess. just wondering how people can change their minds so quickly or why they dont talk about things till its too late. The 2 that broke up w/ me were long distance so thats why it surprised me how much it hurt. I dont know... I have learned that breakups dont need to be mutual. You dont have to have painful conversation about it. You can just send a 2 sentence email starting w/ i am sorry and ending its for the best. And that was the nicer break up. I got maybe 2 more of those in response to my 50+ emails. The other one was over the phone. Left a message saying call me tonight or i will hunt you down and kill you. You know, cuz i am really the murderous type. He freaked, got mean on the phone and I said bye. The End.?? I just dont think its normal/nice to treat people that way. But maybe it is better just to make a clean cut. But i would always try to talk to people and be as nice as possible when breaking up. Its odd that i am writing about it now because I dont really think my heart hurts anymore. Sadly kinda still want to be friends w/ one. Ok, embarassing. He was Shaun, my international internet boyfriend who lived in Australia. We planned on traveling to India together. I had considered new zealand and a possible move if we got along during our six weeks together. Then i got the 2 sentence sorry a week before i was to meet him in india. Right after I had started getting really excited to meet him. Before I had some doubts. From his pictures he didnt look my type. But what he wrote, and what he said, and how sweet he seemed and what we discussed all was totally my type. Oh and no matter what he was sexy as hell. I just wish more people were like me. Give things a try. Help the other person out with it. It might draw it out and make it more painful but i think its best for a healthy resolution on both sides. I go by, do unto others and you would have them do unto you. If only it would work the other way around. I also started a very personal blog and am writing there a lot and dont really remember where i posted what so thats why stuff might not make sense. as if it ever does LOL.... got distracted but am in a pretty good mood. bye!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

and november starts with a bang!

With my car door to me cheekbone. I instantly wanted to write about it, but thankfully had enough foresight to first make an icepack for the left side of my face. Based on the changes in only the last 15 min, this is going to be the best bruise on my face ever! Just in time for vacation and to see all my friends. At least they love me for whats on the inside : )

and hour and a half later... its amazing what ice does (1) my face is dumb so it doesnt hurt anymore - when it first happened i thought from the sound and dizziness that i broke/fractured my cheekbone, eventually i realized that i would probably need a bit more than a small puncture w/ almost no blood for that to happen (2) the swelling has gone down so much and i put the ice pack on about 10 min after the "incident".

Sadly, the bruising has just gotten worse...think i will take a few extra iron supplements. Since i have started writing and removed the ice pack my face has started hurting again - boo! When making an ice pack a zip lock bag is a much better idea than an open sandwich bag, but thats all I have. A paper towel wrapping also works better than a towel wrapper. Leave lots of air in the bag so it is easier to contour. A hairband will work on sandwich baggies if you dont have a ziplock but it will still leak a bit...

Cant wait to see the leaves and do some hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains!!!! If only it didnt involve telling my mom to fuck off.

Friday, November 02, 2007

i am a trekkie

how do i know this? Because I stay up till 6am to watch it. Sad I know. But the original Star Trek is a really good show.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

giving in to depression

I hit an all new phase today. I actually managed to sleep till 8pm. I totally forgot it was halloween which used to be my fav holiday, but i guess depression changes things. Actually looking back, as I went to sleep at 8 am i guess i didnt sleep too much. I am not going to india. The chance i took, traveling w/ someone i never met, but we spoke and emailed so much bah!, just totally fell apart. dont have the courage to go to india by myself so am doing another USA road trip. Would be nice to visit my friends all over the country and see yellowstone as i missed it the first time. Resee the badlands, white sands, mt. st. helens, austin. Visit Boston, NYC, Richmond, drive the blue ridge during fall!!!!!!!!! Think I might take my dog along for company. That way I am not alone - he is a great companion - never talks back :) Checking to see if i can find a nice flight + hotel package for amsterdam -thinking about a week. Here is to making the best out of things when people totally fuck you over. Will never have a pure internet friend again. Even the most honest and sweetest appearing can be total assholes. I portray myself as a player, but as much as it hurts to admit, I am a true romantic, looking for my soulmate. Thought I might have found him LOL.

Ok, I also dreamnt I was back in classes and had to write a 5 page paper and I wrote it by hand. About 2 hrs before it was due I realized it needed to be typed... any feelings on what this might mean?

Saturday, October 20, 2007

like a blizzard in miami

When i lived in RVA i got to experience one really good snowstorm, perhaps maybe even a blizzard. What struck me about it most was how bright it was. With all the white EVERYWHERE, and the streetlights, I felt like i could read a book outside at 4am. I just went for a walk w/ Jackson, my lovely husky, and there were these thick low clouds that were so bright. No moon, but my walk has never been so bright. It just kept feeling like a blizzard in Miami Beach

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Quote & Gross thing that wandered into office

To give pleasure to a single heart by a single kind act is better than a thousand head-bowings in prayer. -Saadi, poet (c. 1200 AD)

Tis why religion blows.
-Mish 2004

Big Ugly Bug

Pretty much says it all. Busy day (as usual) and no time (as usual).

Ok - I have to write more now that I am here. Damn it, I forgot what I felt like writing about. Maybe it will come to me.....

Oh yes - Online Games have replaced my compulsion to read blogs. Now I play chess and backgammon in my not so spare time in hopes of improving the connections in my brain. Reading ALL the time can do a girl no good. Nor can playing online games!


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Saturday, July 07, 2007


NYC has always been the last place I have wanted to live, but quite recently an old roommate and awesome friend said they wanted to move and they wanted me to be their roommate again. They could put up w/ all the fur that travels with me.

I want to seriously get back into the art scene and NYC seems like the perfect place. I complained about the lack of nature, but was reminded of all the parks that abound.

I cant believe it. I am actually thinking of moving to NYC. Said friend has always been a positive influence in my life. In addition, I seem to do better at life when my parents are far away. There it will be sink or swim, and I am so a swimmer. Here I am just floating on a life preserver. My style of living will significantly decrease, but I see much fun on the horizon. The move is scheduled for July, but i still have not made up my mind. But the more I think about it, the better a big change will be. Plus living where seasons actually exist makes me giddy. I also have an aunt, uncle, 2 cousins and their children there so my family will come to NYC for Xmas. But I do love coming home for Xmas and getting a great tan in the middle of winter. OK, the beginning.

Monday, July 02, 2007

picture blog - flowers - from DC












now YOUR turn - comment, tell me if they are awesome or if i should keep my day job :)

glittery shiny rocks!

Keep in mind I am 5'1" with tiny hands and fingers... Not normally into flashy diamonds but I consider this a piece of art. I used to ask my mom for it nearly every day - it was my regular conversation opener - "hey mom, can I have your ring?". Her father was a jeweler so jewelry is abundant in my family. This is the "cheapest" of her three expensive rings and she only has 2 fingers... Over Xmas she thought she lost it - ended up in her sister's gift bag. She said that the whole time it was lost she kept thinking that she never had a chance to give it to me. So a few weeks later, without my asking, she gave it to me. I had to turn it down a few times because I never really expected to get it. It was just an inside joke to tell her how beautiful I thought it was. Of course I never wear it, unless I am with my mother.

I am finding and finishing my drafts - hence the plethora (comparatively speaking) of posts.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i look young!

I just turned 33 and yesterday someone at the office told my dad that I looked like i was 18 going on 17...whatever that means. Its gotta be the jeans, flip flops, and cute t-shirt that I ALWAYS wear. You gotta love a job where you can bring your dog and wear sweats and everyone says you look great.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

i need therapy

This post is to remind me of the above. Well not remind so much, because this is something that I KNOW, but in hopes that mulling it over in writing will make it easier. I find therapy so painful and draining but I hear it does work (says the person w/ a B.A. and a B.S. in psychology). I am horrible at talking because I know it hurts. Christ, I almost just went to Colombia to see a friends therapist, and while I would love to see Medellin, I am loathe to leave Miami for therapy, let alone America. I seem to be in a mood for commas - 4 in one sentence would be a bit much. Most people might correct that, but yeah, I'm not like most people. Something I have come to accept, but with tons of fear. I feel a need to travel. Forever. Constantly. A life time road trip. Or trade car for sailboat. I need someone else for that unfortunately. And I know who, but they don't seem too interested. It always shocks me that I have known them for less than a month. I have to remind myself of that also. Speaking of reminding myself, this is supposed to be about my therapy.
I need a shrink who will MAKE me talk. My last one was great b/c he was all into hypnosis, bio-feedback, past life regression and all sorts of stuff that don't make me talk about what is currently going on. I am too stubborn to be hypnotized - have tried a few times and have never been successful. If I could be hypnotized and be able to talk while asleep and relaxed that would be wonderful. Maybe I will go back to my old shrink and take a xanex beforehand or something that will let my guards down. Cuz my guards resemble impenetrable fortresses.
If/WHEN I do my travel thing, I plan to support myself by being a massage therapist. In Richmond a friend told me that she arrived in Greece w/ $60 and a massage table and stayed for 5 years. That has always made it seem possible, but I am coming around and realizing that it is possible. And it would be the absolute best therapy available in all the world. I just have to find the guts, pay off my debt (which is much easier now that I am working) and save money. Or I could sell my car (most possible) or my townhouse. Thing is my parents bought me both of those and my mom would die if she knew I wanted to sail 'round the world. On the plus side I could convince her that with the townhouse profits I could buy a larger and safer boat w/ all the best equipment......much time has passed.....i just got a call to hang out on south beach at 11:30 and completely changed my normal modus operandi. Though I am in my pj's I decided to say yes and take a shower! Yeah me!!! Seriously. I used to be so spur of the moment I refused to make plans. Now I NEED to know exactly when something is supposed to happen. I liked my old self better and slowly see her coming back!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i wanted to dream....

Just yesterday I was at my psychiatrists office begging for a months worth of sleeping pills so that I could finally get over my nocturnal habits. I want to rejoin normal civilization and sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I also wanted to dream. I almost never dream.
ahhh...last night I had a DREAM. As usual don't remember much about it but the feelings and emotions are so fresh. I had a dream I was depressed and suicidal. How original. In my dream I was in the depths of despair...don't remember why. At least I didn't try to end my life in my dream, though I really wanted to. What I can remember was just crying all the time and really wanting to die. As in the past I had pills and tequila, sadly I now know which ones will and wont do the job and i have both. So I guess the power really is in my hands. DUH. Obviously obvious statement. I did not try to kill myself in the dream so that's a good thing. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me that I am getting better. Did it have to do it in such a painful dream? I hate bad dreams. They leave me in a funk for hours and I woke up w/ a very STIFF neck. You want me to look to my right - no can do. Ugghhh. So I didn't feel like doing anything all day. Hmm. How unusual. How stupid. I even tried to go against my original instinct, but ruined it.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

tissue paper rose

my new screen saver - taken during a miami beach home garden tour.

Oh, if you like it, I can put it back to its original gigantic size and email it to you. This little picture does not do it justice. And I dont even like pink. But I guess if I had to, this soft pink would be the one. Not that I would ever wear that color, except for maybe a flower in my hair.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007


i need to empty my ashtray. Its gross. But i also need to empty my garbage - also gross. I also need to empty the dishwasher - so not gross! The fridge - gross. Freezer - good. Litter box - could be better.

update - found a new ashtray...i want to quit, but its hard - especially now. But the last time I quit I was living w/ my ex-boyfriend so who knows...

Friday, February 23, 2007

life is good

when I look at a pill that contains codeine and not want to take it.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


my mind and the morning. Physically I am tired, but my mind is wide awake. Pretty much the norm. This is what scares me about getting a job, but after a few sleepless nights my schedule will hopefully regulate. Another sunset but so hazy. Not a thick white; more like smoggish.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

whale shark

I am watching National Geographic Blue Seas and I saw BIG animal. First I thought it was a shark, then it looked more like a whale. Its a Whale Shark. WTF is that? Should I be scared of it like a shark, or not - like a whale? They didn't explain. I could Google it, but I need to write more when I think of it.

Also, is dint really a proper word? B/C every time I write don't, the first option on Blogger spell check is dint. I am very well read and have never come across this word except for here. This one will make me go to I can live w/o knowing what a Whale Shark is, but not dint.

Pipefish are cool. I kinda wanna live like one. But after that last sentence and so many others, I bet they have better grammar than I do :)

Oh, god - I cant find a good link so I actually have to try to remember and coherently explain why they are so neat.

It's in their mating ritual.

They are monogamous - at least for one season - they didn't say
Male and female live separately but the female visits the male daily for about 3-4 hours.
After about a month, they "do it". The male and female rub together (they are long and thin like eels or snakes) until the female releases her eggs. Guess she came :) Then they work together and rub the eggs into the males stomach. The female continues her daily visits until the male releases the eggs at night and little Pipefish swim away. They didn't say if they stayed together for years, or just for the season. I wish it was for years. I think its so sweet.

Oh yeah, I really would love a little pig. They are so cute (cuz i made a new "animals tag"...)


Tuesday, February 20, 2007

the boats are leaving

The boat/yacht show here never ceases to amaze me. They build a mini city w/ restaurants and lounges and plasma TVs on Indian Creek (tiny inter coastal). It takes about a month for all the stuff to be put together - they pound in so many wooden pylons and make decks, the the hundreds of BOATS come little by little. One came as early as superbowl weekend. Must be nice.

In a week they are all gone. Nothing. The boats come (or wait) in groups of 5-7 to dock, but they leave around 15 at a time.

One of them was $35 mil. I don't know which one - but it could have been at least one of 7. The biggest of the yachts are longer than the $15 mil houses across the creek are wide. Its frigging insane. I love boats though. I dream of selling my house and living on a boat - hurricane? Leave w/ all your possessions in your "home." It just would not be fair to my dog - but I live in a condo now and he has no qualms about peeing on marble so he should be fine peeing on deck. Then we could find little islands where he could run w/o cars. Oh the dream. I don't want a HUGE boat, though I would not turn it down. Looking at about 1,000 sq ft living & deck. Don't know how long it is or have a clue about what such a beast might cost. Hmmm.... I doubt that there are property taxes on a boat - that's whats stopping me from moving to the beach for good - my taxes @4,000 will double :( if I sell my place and get another for the same price.

Why I cant have a boat. The need to be painted yearly. I suck at upkeep. I am messy. But everything in a boat HAS to be put away so that might help. When I got my Roomba, my floors never had crap on them b/c i didn't want to hurt my round blue baby that eats dog and cat hair. I mean, can you ask for a better pet?

Yeah, Its also terribly impractical but I think being impractical, devil may care, free spirit makes me happier. Hah - I would literally be a drifter.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

60 outside

and there are people sunning and bathing. It just does not seem right to me. I dont get it anymore. Though at one time I did - but that was 70, 60 is a whole nother ballpark, especially w/ the ocean winds. They must be from Buffalo. Did I mention that I had the worlds sweetest and cutest kitten ever? BECAUSE I DO!!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

So Stupid.....

I have been on paxil for who knows how long.... a year - give or take a few months. Right before December I was switched to a generic, which of course, looked different. For a while, when I have been taking my morning pills it kinda seemed off....I would count...and the number seemed the same, but they seemed to be missing some color. I have never been good with numbers. I just found one of my old pill boxes in a suitcase last used on Xmas and found a really familiar light green pill... Yeah... the one I had not been taking since December 25.....

I can only wonder how much this has affected my choice. I made the choice b/c I gave up. Finally stopped believing that things would get better... I don't know. I really have to find a new answer than that to Everything.

I have been so good about my meds. I cant believe I messed up like that. If I want, I can blame it on Walgreen's, who misentered it into the computer. Usually I save the bottle if I am running out, but sometime while cleaning they get thrown away.. That and what I see on my prescription history is what I order. They did not enter it, so of course I did not order it.

Feeling Bitter now.

Monday, January 29, 2007

free spirt or insane

It is supposedly Very Cold here in Miami and around 1:30 am I got all bundled up and walked the doggies before going to bed. I slept 1 - 2 hours last night and had to wake up at 8. I am not the bit tired, my brain wont stop, I am even in bed...trying...but not too hard cuz i guess i am up writing this. I stepped outside and it was nice. Crisp, chilly but much less windy than normal. While I was walking down Collins everything was perfectly still. Not a single car to be seen or heard. Due to lack of sleep (at least i think) it just became the most wonderful perfect moment. In anticipation of high wind the fountain had been turned off, including the waterfall feature - which is never turned off. The water is so still, so quiet, so pretty, so sparkly (I'm serious - i saw sparkles).
A man, jogs - really fast - right by us. In and out. Gone in a second and eerily quiet. I look back to make sure he is still jogging a few moments later and he is way down the street. A serious runner. Fast. 1:30 am, there was also a marathon in Miami today I just remembered.....
Then I head for the SW corner expecting the wind to come from there. Nothing. So calm, though the moon is pretty full, there are no clouds (the few there are beautiful little wispy things), and I can see plenty off stars. The dogs make their expected attempt at a roll that has been on the floor for a few days that seriously has the shape of a perfectly formed dog turd. All this with the jogger and the water sploshing around in my brain felt like the perfect moment. Everything seemed in sync; like in those VW commercials - and it stayed that way. I turn the SE corner still almost no wind, just some light breezes. Well, I didn't turn it, I passed and headed out to the beach. I remembered the running man, knew I wasn't at all tired, and decided to go for beach marathon. Such a wonderful night...with the cold, and the calm seas the sand felt like snow. It didn't crunch, it didn't puff like powder- but it really felt like snow. I decided to walk to the tallest (?) bldg on the beach - definitely the one with the largest light on its head. An honor previously belonging to my bldg. Its funny, though it has this giant lit up pyramid that you can see FOR MILES - its very flat here.... The bldg still needed to have the little red lights on all four corners. If the pilot cant see the biggest lit up triangle on the bldg but manages to avoid hitting it only because of those four little red lights there is seriously something wrong with him. The ocean was peppered with many more brightly lit boats than usual. With my blurry vision they all looked like floating candles. Then I saw one in the sky.... yeah I cant explain it. I only made it about 12 blocks; many blocks shy of my lofty goal, but i still had to come back. So I really walked around 25 blocks......When I came back, Papo, who I had to drag out to the beach for some reason, decides to bypass the door and keep walking. So we walked around the bldg again. Everything still in sync. That was the most wonderful acid trip walk w/o acid ever. It might my last long walk w/ Papo for a while. His daddy gets the keg of love tomorrow..... Brain is still up, but hands and eyes are not. Good Night.

Sunday, January 28, 2007


it allows you to break up w/ someone w/o seeing their face or hearing their voice. Isn't that just fucking normal. the text and email breakup. its like sterilizing things. Makes it easier, but not really, b/c its all just so fucked up and broken and hurtful and i feel like its all my fault. It takes two to royally fuck things up, but when only one wants to leave it really really sucks. Why cant we agree...that this is the best thing for both. I hate how much it hurts when I really think of it.

I went to a bridal shower today. Silly, Silly me. As soon as she started opening presents, I had to hide in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I feel on top of the world, giddy w/ freedom, opportunities (why did I never feel that way w/ him?) and then other times I feel and want to be so alone, but I sooooooooo miss and want some big hugs from my best friend in the world. It sucks to push away my only friend. They would be such painful hugs.

Now we are talking dog custody...I don't want to split them up, but I want to be fair....

Saturday, January 27, 2007

if i were another tarot card..

I did it again...

This one seems way more on target. With me you never really know what you are getting. Its like a crapshoot, or is that crapshot, and now I dont even really know what it means....

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

i was so wrong

about blogger. this new thing is soooooo much easier to use. They made it so easy for me!! Things that have taken hours before now take minutes. ahh. Thats it. Feeling oh so much better today.


Friday, January 26, 2007

in deep funk so whats new

They (blogger) MADE me switch to the new version. I don't like this. I like things the way they were. Will see. Ok well the new version spell check sucks worse than the old version. I really like that "correct all" for cant, wont, i, etc

ALSO, if I did not have to wait for the switch.....i would not have given in to sobbing texting. Damn me. Showing weakness; ha-ha, he-he, ho-ho....

I feel something is wrong w/ my body. Its like my head is too heavy... Sometimes when I am washing my face I cant help it and my head collides with the faucet. I am having trouble coming up with the correct word (GOD THAT SCARES ME). Like faucet....had to think about it. Being the hermit that I am (which btw is no longer acceptable and never should have been) I don't often talk to people beyond pleasantries.

Recent changes have made me seek out people a bit more and when talking I realize that it is getting worse... "Can you pass me, white paper thing for dirty hands, oh yeah! Napkin" Don't think that actually happened but is a great example of things that have. I have a constant wha-wha in my head which increases when ever i turn my damn head.

All this comes and goes.... Sometimes I can walk 5 miles. Sometimes a walk to the bathroom makes me feel like collapsing. I forget. A few days ago I put a bag of newspaper on the floor and totally lost my balance going down. Nice new bruise. When i feel my body not right i freak out, start crying (like for real). I made a doctors appt (3 months was the quickest they had) but didn't feel well enough to drive that day... Have not done a thing since...That Has To CHANGE. I will make a doctors appt. and call my parents if I have to.

The first time I had these symptoms he diagnosed anxiety attack. This past week it was so bad, and the medication he gave me was not working, just for a test - I took 10 (this time sans tequila :) and nothing changed. I didn't get better or worse. Those pills should have knocked me out in an hour for at least 6 hours and nothing.... Odd.

I feel better now. I have a small smile on my face. I have left the depths of despair that I have been wailing in behind me. At least for now.

I need to make more friends. I have the most wonderful friend in the world - she is kinda depressed but if she hadn't told me I never would have known. She just exudes an inner goodness, beauty, and sexuality. She is always smiling, giving hugs and kisses, coming over and making me clean. I love her and need more positive people like her in my world.

I read something today from a link on dooce about causes of happiness rather than depression.

The happiest people have good social networks. I have like only 1 friend and though have lots of family am only close to mom and dad and that only happened a few years ago. So I am going to do volunteer work, go back to school, leave the beach for the more sociable Grove.
Happier people also do more things. They don't sit around all the time like I do. When you are involved in something you are more in the moment. Not thinking about how shitty your life will always be. I remember when I worked and went to school full time. I had zero down time, and life was great. So I vow to do more. Actually Print And Frame My Pictures. Paint on them. Get them shown. I need to get back in the art scene. I have been saying it for ever, but now it seems like a revelation that it Can and WILL happen. I was secretly really scared that I could never do anything with my life. At least that had something to so with making the same kind of money my parents and intelligence say I can. Well after a suicide attempt, there really is nothing else you can do that is worse to your parents. Damn, now I'm crying b/c i should have talked to them more before.....I just didn't know how important it was...

this is deteriorating quickly. you should see the sentences i have deleted. i know i am hard to understand, but i didn't even understand what i was trying to say.

the third and final thing I have learned that the happiest people have in common is that they are very forgiving. Damn me, but I am not. I hold too many things in... I have put myself here....gotta get fucking happy again...

OK, um started watching TV and nothing was on and I stopped on CMT. Its got videos. I am watching and listening to my first country song (except for Lyle Lovett on that Dead cover album - don't remember the song, but i did like it) and I like it. Country is pretty rocking. Never thought I would say that that.

Back to that forgiving thing.... I never realized it, but it hurts too much to hold on to all the hurts I feel people have inflicted on me. I guess I feel they did a bad thing and it hurt me and there was no excuse for it so I cant forgive it. My best friend fucking my boyfriend b/c she was "drunk and we were only in our teens" I cannot forgive. Though I have tried to be friends w/ her again after I found her on the Internet. She has a child. It is so weird that one of our trio just doesn't want anything to do w/ the other two. We were a (maybe the) trio in junior and high school...
Now listening to Kelly Pickler and I like it :) I am going to watch this till my one of my fav movies is on in a bit. The Long Kiss Goodnight. OK, Kelly is a bit cheesy and is getting on my nerves but the song's almost over....

So many things my husband did that I cant forgive. He was just too angry for me. But I am not easy to get along with. I did so many other bad things that he just forgave... I was totally grateful but just accepted it and didn't question it. Guess cause I was never very committed, though I did REALLY try. All b/c I could never forgive....

Well the friend from high school, what she did no longer causes me pain. Guess that's why I tried to reconcile, but i just had to tell her off before so that, so she had no interest. Its not nice to have the girl you considered a friend until she slept w/ your bf (oh and left a giant hickey so I would know he had been w/ someone - so classy) laugh and hang up on you when you ask her out for some coffee or something. I so gotta get over that.

I gotta learn to get over shit. It never used to really bother me that much until I started getting back into committed relationships (oh! my first keith urban song - he is so hot and i love nicole - pause!!!) Damn, started bawling right away, but then so many thinks rang true, like Ani Difranco used to, and I started to feel better.... Think the song was "Stupid Boy". He is hot.....

Movie on. Post way tooooo long, and I really hate reading long posts unless they are by great people, well i mean writers.

And though I want to end this b/c I just got a call from my mom at midnight - when the phone rang I thought it would be someone else...was unsure if good or bad as always.

Then its my mom screaming you have come over now. So then I start screaming why? She fell b/c her patio is being redone and chunks of marble are missing and twisted her ankle. But she sounded like she was inside.... Then she remembered that i am dizzy girl and car has very weak headlights so started freaking out about me driving. Then I remembered about hotel next door so realized I could get a cab instantly and realized, what the hell could I do if w/ just the two of us. She was saying it was swollen really badly so I thought we should call the paramedics b/c if you drive into an ER at 12 on a friday with a piddly twisted ankle you will be there for hours before you are seen by anybody. She refused and then we were just two screaming idiots, then crying idiots, then laughing hysterically idiots. So not good for the insane to call the insane for help. Eventually I was like come on mom, paramedics are always hot for some reason, let put on some make-up, come over and be there when they it for I can meet a nice guy with a good job. Giggling now. She started explaining how at first she was just freaking out b/c there was something wrong w/ her body. I told her what I had been doing here - basically venting about the same thing.
Then we started arguing about which hospitals to go to. She wanted Mercy, but thats where I went. I think Mt. Sinai rocks but there are so many more ghetto hospitals on the way there. I cant believe the paramedics wont take you where you ask them. Aren't they like medical taxi's with hot do gooding drivers? (more giggling)

Resolved that I am going to take her to one of those urgent care centers (duh?) and then pick up dad from the airport. Really sucks when things go bad and you are not alone and not used to it. Damn I relate to her more and more everyday. Right ankle - so I get to drive a Benz again! So I have to I drive her around town, which will be good for me - the whole getting out more and being around people.

Wow. If anyone has gotten this far I applaud you - just plz let me know if you got to the end in a comment or email. just wondering if my reading is legible. Just scrolled it - so many I's. Its like its all about me.

now YOUR turn - comment Bye - so WIDE awake thanks to life in turmoil and a very hysterical phone call.

Friday, January 19, 2007

if i was a tarot card

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

i got this from skippymom...who i will eventually link b/c she really rocks!

now YOUR turn - comment

Saturday, January 06, 2007

husband watches a lot of video...

This is Apathetic Porn. Funny!

now YOUR turn - comment

MUST WATCH!!!! -- long but worth it! Scott VanPala - The Potato Gun

In this short controversial film, Scott VanPala takes you on a chaotic yet adventurous journey with a powerful and destructive Potato Gun. He illustrates how he made his using nothing more than hairspray and pvc pipe from Home Depot using gift certificates he got for Christmas. He then demonstrably shows the various, and perhaps irresponsible, uses of shooting vegatables long distances. At halftime, he takes a break to show the many benefits gun ownership has had for society. PLUS - See him crash through a window in a Honda to finish a job that the spud shooter couldn't. AND - Watch the way propane propels tuber out of a Potato Cannon and the subsequent explosion. Enjoy.