Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i wanted to dream....

Just yesterday I was at my psychiatrists office begging for a months worth of sleeping pills so that I could finally get over my nocturnal habits. I want to rejoin normal civilization and sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I also wanted to dream. I almost never dream.
ahhh...last night I had a DREAM. As usual don't remember much about it but the feelings and emotions are so fresh. I had a dream I was depressed and suicidal. How original. In my dream I was in the depths of despair...don't remember why. At least I didn't try to end my life in my dream, though I really wanted to. What I can remember was just crying all the time and really wanting to die. As in the past I had pills and tequila, sadly I now know which ones will and wont do the job and i have both. So I guess the power really is in my hands. DUH. Obviously obvious statement. I did not try to kill myself in the dream so that's a good thing. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me that I am getting better. Did it have to do it in such a painful dream? I hate bad dreams. They leave me in a funk for hours and I woke up w/ a very STIFF neck. You want me to look to my right - no can do. Ugghhh. So I didn't feel like doing anything all day. Hmm. How unusual. How stupid. I even tried to go against my original instinct, but ruined it.