my parents are rich

which works out well for me. I am pretty dirt poor. Never quite recovered from an unfortunate incident a few years ago. If it wasnt for mom and dad i would most absolutely be homeless. I have thought that for so long but seeing it makes me wonder. I could be using them as a crutch...but i can see my self being evicted and living in a park or somewhere too embarrassed, ashamed, and mostly depressed to call anyone for help. Just accepting that as something else that I could not change. But thats bullshit. I need to change. I can change. I really must. I cant go on like this; living in a sort of limbo where only the days change. I need to jump up and wake up and take the reins back; pick them up off the floor where i dropped them.

But just musing... It feels so different, putting it all out there. I think it all the time but reading it really makes me realized how stupid it is...or not. I am unemployed and I need to get over my damn anxiety and get a stupid job. I used to love working, well at least the money :) Getting a job would do so much for me. I just need to overcome this giant pit of anxiety that evolves in my stomach each time I think of getting a job. AARRRGGGG!!!!! Its so ridiculous, but at the same time it is what it is.

This barely made sense to me. Goodnight

wow - it could be me

An excerpt from Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell:



Well not the stalker part but the girl part, down to the beachfront living.

"....watched her pace and cry and pull out her hair. She never sleeps at night, afraid of storms. She watched movies all night and into the morning. She watches movies when it rains, and if there's thunder, she turns the volume up hard, and when the sun is bright, she hides from it....
...She wants to be alone and is terrified of being alone. She dreads thunder and rain, dreads clear skies and sunlight, doesn't want to be anywhere anymore under any conditions whatsoever....She thinks nothing of it when he bays [in my case howls] as she drinks vodka [scotch] and takes pills and pulls out her hair, the routine same after day after day after day."

me again!
In reality this was me. Except for thunderstorms, I love those.

I am doing so much better now. I am living w/ my boyfriend and am no longer alone all the time, which I wanted, but was very bad for me. I am also taking an LSAT class in hopes of kicking the test's ass and becoming an environmental lawyer. One of the best schools for that is in Vermont, another in Portland, and another my father's Alma matter. I would love the first two but the third is in NYC which i cant handle living in. So the dream of the Blue Ridge Mountains is gone, replaced with dreams of the Green Mountains and the Cascades and the Rockies.

As I am from miami, i am a little scared of real cold (Richmond was perfect) but I love and need seasons. They balance me out. So do bi-polar meds. I guess I have my life to thank for them. I can sleep, I can go out, and trichotillomania is quickly fading.

I am so excited about law school! Just have to actually work so I can live during the first year. My parents said they wont help, but I dont really believe them. Must be nice huh? Having parents who could foot a law school bill. But i get all this crazy bullshit in my head b/c my mom is crazy. Something I learned during adolescent psychology but was only 18 so kinda forgot, but I talk about A LOT during therapy so its coming back and i am learning to cope w/ her and her mood swings and insults. I dont understand, and honestly never could, how my dad could put up w/ her. But he is a perfect husband and completely in love with her.

Speaking of love, sadly I dont think I have the capacity for it at the moment. Who knows when or even if I ever will. I love animals, but have severe trust issues w/ people.

Getting tired (wow!) and promise to come back sooner.

ps - going to start a "my background" b/c I change it a lot and love them all.

Here is the current one: OK, BF put it on and I dont seem to have it saved in here.

So here is the last one:




And the one before that, courtesy of BF who shares my sick sense of humor and love of purple:



Cant remember the one before that. Sigh.

feeling fat...

So instead of going to haagen daaz at 2 in the morning for a chocolate shake, I went to wallgreens and got myself my first pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk in like 10 years. I figured it would work out better with portion control and all that. I forgot (or chose to ignore) that portion control simply does not mean Eat The Whole Damn Pint!!!

My first mistake - nuking it for 30 seconds to make it a bit more scoopable. A wee bit too much time and it kinda turned into a milkshake consistency. That is a HUGE weakness for me. So I gave myself a nice half cup portion, smushed it up so that it was milkshake consistency and promply devored while savoring every single cool chocolaty bite or slup. Thing is I didnt stop there. I ate the whole pint :(

So much for portion control...

Also walking down the beach yesterday people where looking at me. They tend to do that. For the first time in a long time I was wondering if they were looking at me b/c I am fat (damn PMS just kills me!) Then I got a date w/ a super hot lifeguard. You can saftely assume that made me feel Much Better.

I am even too scared to get on the scale.

Sigh... have also been having an anxiety attack for about 5 days now. My right leg is numbish from the inside and so is my right arm but in a lesser degree. This is a direct indication of MS (google it) I am always tired, but I think that is the anxiety - I hold my breath for a while w/o knowing A Lot. I also sigh w/o knowing it A Lot. Will go to doctor on monday and start working on this.

About a year ago I felt the same thing at a lesser degree and only in my leg but that was after exercise so they assumed it was a pinched nerve. But as part of his job he also had to tell me what else it could be - MS. Can you say BOO!!! He told me that if it didnt go away in a few days to see my regular doctor - couldnt drive that far that day so went to the ER which is on the island. It lasted 3 weeks and of course I never saw my regular doc. Will See Him This Monday - Tomorrow. Knowing is half the battle after all. I am way too scared of it being bad news - which is why I never went the first time. I cant even tell my parents b/c they have their own problems and are always worrying about me. Dont want to make them worry more.

Relating to my last post - I dont know if I clarified but the suicidal thoughts are more serious and the fantasies. As I found out, it tends to be a spur of the moment decision. There just came a time when I wanted to check out. But then I had to answer the stupid phone. Bah and Yay at the same time :]

Hey You! reading this - you must let me know what you think. A simple anonymous thumbs up or down would suffice but I love long comments. Please appease me. Come on - just do it!

lost

who is this new pilot who was supposed to be flying guy?

I saw a psychotherapist today and I actually like him. Quite unusual, but I felt a good vibe. It's kinda (reallllllllly) sad that I justify paying $300 to see a therapist b/c at least I have to take a shower, get dressed, and get out of the house.

I have a boy who is my age moving in tomorrow. He is not rich...why cant i be attracted to rich guys? WHY does $$ seem to turn me off? Maybe those that actually have to work for a living are better. I think I just happen to have the good fortune(?) to be attracted to artists. And somehow artists just happen to be really (and I mean really) good in bed. But its all weird. It reminds me of Gene...living together for the wrong reasons. Except I dont work w/ Mike, and it will be only be the two of us, no 5 other roommates to diffuse the tension.

How did I get drunk so fast? Suddenly my eyes cannot focus. I amm druunnck.

Damn, I just saw a Pedigree commercial w/ the cutest puppy golden. I wanted him/her so much. "for every puppy adopted there is one one not adopted" killed me. drunk so just started crying and wanted THAT overlooked and all to adorable staged for TV puppy.

But dude, i got a husky and 3 cats. I am doing my part, and my parents are paying for most of their care.

better off without me

DISCLAIMER: I PLAN TO WALK MY DOG TOMORROW

I am so sick of everyone worrying about me. So often I feel that if I were to just DO IT, there will be intense pain at first. But that has to fade, right? At least then they wont be constantly worried. They will know. But I cant hurt them that way. But I feel like a money drain and that I am just breathing air, that someone deserves more than I. Guess I am in feeling like a waste of a human being mood.

guess its time to return here

I have been elsewhere, writing totally under the radar. I guess its time to think about those new years resolutions...

1. QUIT SMOKING - I feel pretty positive about this

2. STOP BEING SO DAMN DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME!!!! pretty much...forgot...positive thinking??

3. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE - I pretty much only get out to walk Jackson

4. TRY A NEW MEDICINE REGIMEN - as this one really is not working

5. SEE A THERAPIST - I hate my life and need to do something about it.

6. CLEAN THE APARTMENT - it so needs it!!!!!

7. FIX MY DOGS SKIN RASH - i feel so bad for him and like such a horrible mother

8. SEE MY FRIENDS MORE OFTEN - many people like me for some reason or another. guess cuz i am nice an sweet ;>

9. TAKE JACKSON TO THE DOG PARK MORE OFTEN - the poor guy deserves it. i just suck :[

10. FUCKING LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE ONCE IN A WHILE....had a better one but i forgot it...no sleep..

mothers

no one can tear you down and make you feel suicidal like your mother. Or maybe just mine. Is it me, or does it seem like driving the mnts till i hit snow and then visiting friends around the east for 6 weeks such a horrible idea? True, I have been in a deep depression for years...and some sort or another kind of depression since I was 13. So I am kinda used to it. But it has never been this bad. I just think this trip will be wonderful for me. But my mom is flipping out over how irresponsible it is. I have been unemployed (except for a few brief stints) sine june 3, 2004, the day i really tried to kill myself. Why is another 6 weeks of being irresponsible such a horrible thing. Yeah, its selfish, but i kinda think its my life. they have done a lot for me, but buying me a house was just to bribe me to return to miami. She actually told me that because of all she has done for me, its not my life. So I told her to sell the townhouse. I want to own as little as possible. As Janis Joplin said, being free means having nothing to lose. I love the idea of just having me and my dog, on the road. Then the thing w/ the tour and bus in the summer/fall. I will move after that, so she can sell the townhouse before I leave. God, I hate to ask, but I always expected the value of the townhouse would be mine... maybe i could ask for the difference in depreciation? I know she does not want me to live in poverty... I am giving her ALL my real jewelry, whether she gave it to me or not, under the partial guise that i dont want to be in a position to sell it. We dont that in MY family. And I am enough of a disappointment. Jewelry thing is part of owning nothing. Who needs jewelry when you want to be a nomad? I love the townhouse, but i hate the city - any city. I have decided i want/need to live in a cool small hippie mountain town. I cant imagine it would be that bad. Its so cheap, any job could pay the bills...except those credit card ones. God I want to get better, and the blue ridge always makes me feel sooooooo good!!!! Why cant she understand that...she hates nature, so i guess she never will.

giving in to depression

I hit an all new phase today. I actually managed to sleep till 8pm. I totally forgot it was halloween which used to be my fav holiday, but i guess depression changes things. Actually looking back, as I went to sleep at 8 am i guess i didnt sleep too much. I am not going to india. The chance i took, traveling w/ someone i never met, but we spoke and emailed so much bah!, just totally fell apart. dont have the courage to go to india by myself so am doing another USA road trip. Would be nice to visit my friends all over the country and see yellowstone as i missed it the first time. Resee the badlands, white sands, mt. st. helens, austin. Visit Boston, NYC, Richmond, drive the blue ridge during fall!!!!!!!!! Think I might take my dog along for company. That way I am not alone - he is a great companion - never talks back :) Checking to see if i can find a nice flight + hotel package for amsterdam -thinking about a week. Here is to making the best out of things when people totally fuck you over. Will never have a pure internet friend again. Even the most honest and sweetest appearing can be total assholes. I portray myself as a player, but as much as it hurts to admit, I am a true romantic, looking for my soulmate. Thought I might have found him LOL.

Ok, I also dreamnt I was back in classes and had to write a 5 page paper and I wrote it by hand. About 2 hrs before it was due I realized it needed to be typed... any feelings on what this might mean?

i need therapy

This post is to remind me of the above. Well not remind so much, because this is something that I KNOW, but in hopes that mulling it over in writing will make it easier. I find therapy so painful and draining but I hear it does work (says the person w/ a B.A. and a B.S. in psychology). I am horrible at talking because I know it hurts. Christ, I almost just went to Colombia to see a friends therapist, and while I would love to see Medellin, I am loathe to leave Miami for therapy, let alone America. I seem to be in a mood for commas - 4 in one sentence would be a bit much. Most people might correct that, but yeah, I'm not like most people. Something I have come to accept, but with tons of fear. I feel a need to travel. Forever. Constantly. A life time road trip. Or trade car for sailboat. I need someone else for that unfortunately. And I know who, but they don't seem too interested. It always shocks me that I have known them for less than a month. I have to remind myself of that also. Speaking of reminding myself, this is supposed to be about my therapy.
I need a shrink who will MAKE me talk. My last one was great b/c he was all into hypnosis, bio-feedback, past life regression and all sorts of stuff that don't make me talk about what is currently going on. I am too stubborn to be hypnotized - have tried a few times and have never been successful. If I could be hypnotized and be able to talk while asleep and relaxed that would be wonderful. Maybe I will go back to my old shrink and take a xanex beforehand or something that will let my guards down. Cuz my guards resemble impenetrable fortresses.
If/WHEN I do my travel thing, I plan to support myself by being a massage therapist. In Richmond a friend told me that she arrived in Greece w/ $60 and a massage table and stayed for 5 years. That has always made it seem possible, but I am coming around and realizing that it is possible. And it would be the absolute best therapy available in all the world. I just have to find the guts, pay off my debt (which is much easier now that I am working) and save money. Or I could sell my car (most possible) or my townhouse. Thing is my parents bought me both of those and my mom would die if she knew I wanted to sail 'round the world. On the plus side I could convince her that with the townhouse profits I could buy a larger and safer boat w/ all the best equipment......much time has passed.....i just got a call to hang out on south beach at 11:30 and completely changed my normal modus operandi. Though I am in my pj's I decided to say yes and take a shower! Yeah me!!! Seriously. I used to be so spur of the moment I refused to make plans. Now I NEED to know exactly when something is supposed to happen. I liked my old self better and slowly see her coming back!

i wanted to dream....

Just yesterday I was at my psychiatrists office begging for a months worth of sleeping pills so that I could finally get over my nocturnal habits. I want to rejoin normal civilization and sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I also wanted to dream. I almost never dream.
ahhh...last night I had a DREAM. As usual don't remember much about it but the feelings and emotions are so fresh. I had a dream I was depressed and suicidal. How original. In my dream I was in the depths of despair...don't remember why. At least I didn't try to end my life in my dream, though I really wanted to. What I can remember was just crying all the time and really wanting to die. As in the past I had pills and tequila, sadly I now know which ones will and wont do the job and i have both. So I guess the power really is in my hands. DUH. Obviously obvious statement. I did not try to kill myself in the dream so that's a good thing. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me that I am getting better. Did it have to do it in such a painful dream? I hate bad dreams. They leave me in a funk for hours and I woke up w/ a very STIFF neck. You want me to look to my right - no can do. Ugghhh. So I didn't feel like doing anything all day. Hmm. How unusual. How stupid. I even tried to go against my original instinct, but ruined it.

So Stupid.....

I have been on paxil for who knows how long.... a year - give or take a few months. Right before December I was switched to a generic, which of course, looked different. For a while, when I have been taking my morning pills it kinda seemed off....I would count...and the number seemed the same, but they seemed to be missing some color. I have never been good with numbers. I just found one of my old pill boxes in a suitcase last used on Xmas and found a really familiar light green pill... Yeah... the one I had not been taking since December 25.....

I can only wonder how much this has affected my choice. I made the choice b/c I gave up. Finally stopped believing that things would get better... I don't know. I really have to find a new answer than that to Everything.

I have been so good about my meds. I cant believe I messed up like that. If I want, I can blame it on Walgreen's, who misentered it into the computer. Usually I save the bottle if I am running out, but sometime while cleaning they get thrown away.. That and what I see on my prescription history is what I order. They did not enter it, so of course I did not order it.

Feeling Bitter now.

...........

takillya