my parents are rich

which works out well for me. I am pretty dirt poor. Never quite recovered from an unfortunate incident a few years ago. If it wasnt for mom and dad i would most absolutely be homeless. I have thought that for so long but seeing it makes me wonder. I could be using them as a crutch...but i can see my self being evicted and living in a park or somewhere too embarrassed, ashamed, and mostly depressed to call anyone for help. Just accepting that as something else that I could not change. But thats bullshit. I need to change. I can change. I really must. I cant go on like this; living in a sort of limbo where only the days change. I need to jump up and wake up and take the reins back; pick them up off the floor where i dropped them.

But just musing... It feels so different, putting it all out there. I think it all the time but reading it really makes me realized how stupid it is...or not. I am unemployed and I need to get over my damn anxiety and get a stupid job. I used to love working, well at least the money :) Getting a job would do so much for me. I just need to overcome this giant pit of anxiety that evolves in my stomach each time I think of getting a job. AARRRGGGG!!!!! Its so ridiculous, but at the same time it is what it is.

This barely made sense to me. Goodnight

feeling fat...

So instead of going to haagen daaz at 2 in the morning for a chocolate shake, I went to wallgreens and got myself my first pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk in like 10 years. I figured it would work out better with portion control and all that. I forgot (or chose to ignore) that portion control simply does not mean Eat The Whole Damn Pint!!!

My first mistake - nuking it for 30 seconds to make it a bit more scoopable. A wee bit too much time and it kinda turned into a milkshake consistency. That is a HUGE weakness for me. So I gave myself a nice half cup portion, smushed it up so that it was milkshake consistency and promply devored while savoring every single cool chocolaty bite or slup. Thing is I didnt stop there. I ate the whole pint :(

So much for portion control...

Also walking down the beach yesterday people where looking at me. They tend to do that. For the first time in a long time I was wondering if they were looking at me b/c I am fat (damn PMS just kills me!) Then I got a date w/ a super hot lifeguard. You can saftely assume that made me feel Much Better.

I am even too scared to get on the scale.

Sigh... have also been having an anxiety attack for about 5 days now. My right leg is numbish from the inside and so is my right arm but in a lesser degree. This is a direct indication of MS (google it) I am always tired, but I think that is the anxiety - I hold my breath for a while w/o knowing A Lot. I also sigh w/o knowing it A Lot. Will go to doctor on monday and start working on this.

About a year ago I felt the same thing at a lesser degree and only in my leg but that was after exercise so they assumed it was a pinched nerve. But as part of his job he also had to tell me what else it could be - MS. Can you say BOO!!! He told me that if it didnt go away in a few days to see my regular doctor - couldnt drive that far that day so went to the ER which is on the island. It lasted 3 weeks and of course I never saw my regular doc. Will See Him This Monday - Tomorrow. Knowing is half the battle after all. I am way too scared of it being bad news - which is why I never went the first time. I cant even tell my parents b/c they have their own problems and are always worrying about me. Dont want to make them worry more.

Relating to my last post - I dont know if I clarified but the suicidal thoughts are more serious and the fantasies. As I found out, it tends to be a spur of the moment decision. There just came a time when I wanted to check out. But then I had to answer the stupid phone. Bah and Yay at the same time :]

Hey You! reading this - you must let me know what you think. A simple anonymous thumbs up or down would suffice but I love long comments. Please appease me. Come on - just do it!

like a blizzard in miami

When i lived in RVA i got to experience one really good snowstorm, perhaps maybe even a blizzard. What struck me about it most was how bright it was. With all the white EVERYWHERE, and the streetlights, I felt like i could read a book outside at 4am. I just went for a walk w/ Jackson, my lovely husky, and there were these thick low clouds that were so bright. No moon, but my walk has never been so bright. It just kept feeling like a blizzard in Miami Beach

moving...???

NYC has always been the last place I have wanted to live, but quite recently an old roommate and awesome friend said they wanted to move and they wanted me to be their roommate again. They could put up w/ all the fur that travels with me.

I want to seriously get back into the art scene and NYC seems like the perfect place. I complained about the lack of nature, but was reminded of all the parks that abound.

I cant believe it. I am actually thinking of moving to NYC. Said friend has always been a positive influence in my life. In addition, I seem to do better at life when my parents are far away. There it will be sink or swim, and I am so a swimmer. Here I am just floating on a life preserver. My style of living will significantly decrease, but I see much fun on the horizon. The move is scheduled for July, but i still have not made up my mind. But the more I think about it, the better a big change will be. Plus living where seasons actually exist makes me giddy. I also have an aunt, uncle, 2 cousins and their children there so my family will come to NYC for Xmas. But I do love coming home for Xmas and getting a great tan in the middle of winter. OK, the beginning.

i need therapy

This post is to remind me of the above. Well not remind so much, because this is something that I KNOW, but in hopes that mulling it over in writing will make it easier. I find therapy so painful and draining but I hear it does work (says the person w/ a B.A. and a B.S. in psychology). I am horrible at talking because I know it hurts. Christ, I almost just went to Colombia to see a friends therapist, and while I would love to see Medellin, I am loathe to leave Miami for therapy, let alone America. I seem to be in a mood for commas - 4 in one sentence would be a bit much. Most people might correct that, but yeah, I'm not like most people. Something I have come to accept, but with tons of fear. I feel a need to travel. Forever. Constantly. A life time road trip. Or trade car for sailboat. I need someone else for that unfortunately. And I know who, but they don't seem too interested. It always shocks me that I have known them for less than a month. I have to remind myself of that also. Speaking of reminding myself, this is supposed to be about my therapy.
I need a shrink who will MAKE me talk. My last one was great b/c he was all into hypnosis, bio-feedback, past life regression and all sorts of stuff that don't make me talk about what is currently going on. I am too stubborn to be hypnotized - have tried a few times and have never been successful. If I could be hypnotized and be able to talk while asleep and relaxed that would be wonderful. Maybe I will go back to my old shrink and take a xanex beforehand or something that will let my guards down. Cuz my guards resemble impenetrable fortresses.
If/WHEN I do my travel thing, I plan to support myself by being a massage therapist. In Richmond a friend told me that she arrived in Greece w/ $60 and a massage table and stayed for 5 years. That has always made it seem possible, but I am coming around and realizing that it is possible. And it would be the absolute best therapy available in all the world. I just have to find the guts, pay off my debt (which is much easier now that I am working) and save money. Or I could sell my car (most possible) or my townhouse. Thing is my parents bought me both of those and my mom would die if she knew I wanted to sail 'round the world. On the plus side I could convince her that with the townhouse profits I could buy a larger and safer boat w/ all the best equipment......much time has passed.....i just got a call to hang out on south beach at 11:30 and completely changed my normal modus operandi. Though I am in my pj's I decided to say yes and take a shower! Yeah me!!! Seriously. I used to be so spur of the moment I refused to make plans. Now I NEED to know exactly when something is supposed to happen. I liked my old self better and slowly see her coming back!

whale shark

I am watching National Geographic Blue Seas and I saw BIG animal. First I thought it was a shark, then it looked more like a whale. Its a Whale Shark. WTF is that? Should I be scared of it like a shark, or not - like a whale? They didn't explain. I could Google it, but I need to write more when I think of it.

Also, is dint really a proper word? B/C every time I write don't, the first option on Blogger spell check is dint. I am very well read and have never come across this word except for here. This one will make me go to dictionary.com. I can live w/o knowing what a Whale Shark is, but not dint.

Pipefish are cool. I kinda wanna live like one. But after that last sentence and so many others, I bet they have better grammar than I do :)

Oh, god - I cant find a good link so I actually have to try to remember and coherently explain why they are so neat.

It's in their mating ritual.

They are monogamous - at least for one season - they didn't say
Male and female live separately but the female visits the male daily for about 3-4 hours.
After about a month, they "do it". The male and female rub together (they are long and thin like eels or snakes) until the female releases her eggs. Guess she came :) Then they work together and rub the eggs into the males stomach. The female continues her daily visits until the male releases the eggs at night and little Pipefish swim away. They didn't say if they stayed together for years, or just for the season. I wish it was for years. I think its so sweet.

Oh yeah, I really would love a little pig. They are so cute (cuz i made a new "animals tag"...)


Cheers!