Saturday, June 23, 2007

i need therapy

This post is to remind me of the above. Well not remind so much, because this is something that I KNOW, but in hopes that mulling it over in writing will make it easier. I find therapy so painful and draining but I hear it does work (says the person w/ a B.A. and a B.S. in psychology). I am horrible at talking because I know it hurts. Christ, I almost just went to Colombia to see a friends therapist, and while I would love to see Medellin, I am loathe to leave Miami for therapy, let alone America. I seem to be in a mood for commas - 4 in one sentence would be a bit much. Most people might correct that, but yeah, I'm not like most people. Something I have come to accept, but with tons of fear. I feel a need to travel. Forever. Constantly. A life time road trip. Or trade car for sailboat. I need someone else for that unfortunately. And I know who, but they don't seem too interested. It always shocks me that I have known them for less than a month. I have to remind myself of that also. Speaking of reminding myself, this is supposed to be about my therapy.
I need a shrink who will MAKE me talk. My last one was great b/c he was all into hypnosis, bio-feedback, past life regression and all sorts of stuff that don't make me talk about what is currently going on. I am too stubborn to be hypnotized - have tried a few times and have never been successful. If I could be hypnotized and be able to talk while asleep and relaxed that would be wonderful. Maybe I will go back to my old shrink and take a xanex beforehand or something that will let my guards down. Cuz my guards resemble impenetrable fortresses.
If/WHEN I do my travel thing, I plan to support myself by being a massage therapist. In Richmond a friend told me that she arrived in Greece w/ $60 and a massage table and stayed for 5 years. That has always made it seem possible, but I am coming around and realizing that it is possible. And it would be the absolute best therapy available in all the world. I just have to find the guts, pay off my debt (which is much easier now that I am working) and save money. Or I could sell my car (most possible) or my townhouse. Thing is my parents bought me both of those and my mom would die if she knew I wanted to sail 'round the world. On the plus side I could convince her that with the townhouse profits I could buy a larger and safer boat w/ all the best equipment......much time has passed.....i just got a call to hang out on south beach at 11:30 and completely changed my normal modus operandi. Though I am in my pj's I decided to say yes and take a shower! Yeah me!!! Seriously. I used to be so spur of the moment I refused to make plans. Now I NEED to know exactly when something is supposed to happen. I liked my old self better and slowly see her coming back!