my parents are rich

which works out well for me. I am pretty dirt poor. Never quite recovered from an unfortunate incident a few years ago. If it wasnt for mom and dad i would most absolutely be homeless. I have thought that for so long but seeing it makes me wonder. I could be using them as a crutch...but i can see my self being evicted and living in a park or somewhere too embarrassed, ashamed, and mostly depressed to call anyone for help. Just accepting that as something else that I could not change. But thats bullshit. I need to change. I can change. I really must. I cant go on like this; living in a sort of limbo where only the days change. I need to jump up and wake up and take the reins back; pick them up off the floor where i dropped them.

But just musing... It feels so different, putting it all out there. I think it all the time but reading it really makes me realized how stupid it is...or not. I am unemployed and I need to get over my damn anxiety and get a stupid job. I used to love working, well at least the money :) Getting a job would do so much for me. I just need to overcome this giant pit of anxiety that evolves in my stomach each time I think of getting a job. AARRRGGGG!!!!! Its so ridiculous, but at the same time it is what it is.

This barely made sense to me. Goodnight