Monday, October 06, 2008

wow - it could be me

An excerpt from Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell:

Well not the stalker part but the girl part, down to the beachfront living.

"....watched her pace and cry and pull out her hair. She never sleeps at night, afraid of storms. She watched movies all night and into the morning. She watches movies when it rains, and if there's thunder, she turns the volume up hard, and when the sun is bright, she hides from it....
...She wants to be alone and is terrified of being alone. She dreads thunder and rain, dreads clear skies and sunlight, doesn't want to be anywhere anymore under any conditions whatsoever....She thinks nothing of it when he bays [in my case howls] as she drinks vodka [scotch] and takes pills and pulls out her hair, the routine same after day after day after day."

me again!
In reality this was me. Except for thunderstorms, I love those.

I am doing so much better now. I am living w/ my boyfriend and am no longer alone all the time, which I wanted, but was very bad for me. I am also taking an LSAT class in hopes of kicking the test's ass and becoming an environmental lawyer. One of the best schools for that is in Vermont, another in Portland, and another my father's Alma matter. I would love the first two but the third is in NYC which i cant handle living in. So the dream of the Blue Ridge Mountains is gone, replaced with dreams of the Green Mountains and the Cascades and the Rockies.

As I am from miami, i am a little scared of real cold (Richmond was perfect) but I love and need seasons. They balance me out. So do bi-polar meds. I guess I have my life to thank for them. I can sleep, I can go out, and trichotillomania is quickly fading.

I am so excited about law school! Just have to actually work so I can live during the first year. My parents said they wont help, but I dont really believe them. Must be nice huh? Having parents who could foot a law school bill. But i get all this crazy bullshit in my head b/c my mom is crazy. Something I learned during adolescent psychology but was only 18 so kinda forgot, but I talk about A LOT during therapy so its coming back and i am learning to cope w/ her and her mood swings and insults. I dont understand, and honestly never could, how my dad could put up w/ her. But he is a perfect husband and completely in love with her.

Speaking of love, sadly I dont think I have the capacity for it at the moment. Who knows when or even if I ever will. I love animals, but have severe trust issues w/ people.

Getting tired (wow!) and promise to come back sooner.

ps - going to start a "my background" b/c I change it a lot and love them all.

Here is the current one: OK, BF put it on and I dont seem to have it saved in here.

So here is the last one:

And the one before that, courtesy of BF who shares my sick sense of humor and love of purple:

Cant remember the one before that. Sigh.