turkey day

this was going to be my first one alone. yeah, i could call people - but i am one damn stubborn lady. I once got fired from a pizza place b/c i did not know how to ask for help. Mmm, will eat that pizza soon! It's Bottoms Up in RVA. Hell, even if it was just me and my ex, it felt alone. But this was going to be my very first one alone. I figured hell, I have wanted the world to leave me alone, and i guess i got what i wanted. Well to be fair, not really. Its all a result of poor planning. Was going to spend tonight at a potluck dinner in Brunswick, GA at The Hostel in the Forest. poor planning ruined it all. They dont allow dogs and I could not find a boarder that was open on thursday. So i just decided to stay put...wait for the sadness to pass....drink and take anti-anxiety stuff...to forget that even though i have a giant family and invites (but these were from friends i sleep with) that i kinda decided, by not making a decision, to spend today, like most other days, alone. Then my Jay called. He is a truck driver so i thought he would be alone today also. But no - he is in miami! And invited me to kenny's thanksgiving! I went to nursery school w/ Jay and Kenny so I really feel like they are family. This is going to be fun and different. Kennys (ha-ha little no more) sister will be there with her long time husband aka high school boyfriend and their toddler daughter. I get to spend it w/ family that I feel are mine, but a different kind. There is no doubt that any of them would not be invited to our turkey day it it was here...

sigh...there are pretty fall leaves to be seen and am just loving the incredible weather here. Like wonderful beach weather. Makes it too easy to forget what i am missing. Thank you so much Jay for calling, and thank you me for answering. And thank you Kenny for having me. You guys rock so damn much!!!!!!!!!

So i guess Happy Thanksgiving Day to all!!!

mothers

no one can tear you down and make you feel suicidal like your mother. Or maybe just mine. Is it me, or does it seem like driving the mnts till i hit snow and then visiting friends around the east for 6 weeks such a horrible idea? True, I have been in a deep depression for years...and some sort or another kind of depression since I was 13. So I am kinda used to it. But it has never been this bad. I just think this trip will be wonderful for me. But my mom is flipping out over how irresponsible it is. I have been unemployed (except for a few brief stints) sine june 3, 2004, the day i really tried to kill myself. Why is another 6 weeks of being irresponsible such a horrible thing. Yeah, its selfish, but i kinda think its my life. they have done a lot for me, but buying me a house was just to bribe me to return to miami. She actually told me that because of all she has done for me, its not my life. So I told her to sell the townhouse. I want to own as little as possible. As Janis Joplin said, being free means having nothing to lose. I love the idea of just having me and my dog, on the road. Then the thing w/ the tour and bus in the summer/fall. I will move after that, so she can sell the townhouse before I leave. God, I hate to ask, but I always expected the value of the townhouse would be mine... maybe i could ask for the difference in depreciation? I know she does not want me to live in poverty... I am giving her ALL my real jewelry, whether she gave it to me or not, under the partial guise that i dont want to be in a position to sell it. We dont that in MY family. And I am enough of a disappointment. Jewelry thing is part of owning nothing. Who needs jewelry when you want to be a nomad? I love the townhouse, but i hate the city - any city. I have decided i want/need to live in a cool small hippie mountain town. I cant imagine it would be that bad. Its so cheap, any job could pay the bills...except those credit card ones. God I want to get better, and the blue ridge always makes me feel sooooooo good!!!! Why cant she understand that...she hates nature, so i guess she never will.

and november starts with a bang!

With my car door to me cheekbone. I instantly wanted to write about it, but thankfully had enough foresight to first make an icepack for the left side of my face. Based on the changes in only the last 15 min, this is going to be the best bruise on my face ever! Just in time for vacation and to see all my friends. At least they love me for whats on the inside : )

and hour and a half later... its amazing what ice does (1) my face is dumb so it doesnt hurt anymore - when it first happened i thought from the sound and dizziness that i broke/fractured my cheekbone, eventually i realized that i would probably need a bit more than a small puncture w/ almost no blood for that to happen (2) the swelling has gone down so much and i put the ice pack on about 10 min after the "incident".

Sadly, the bruising has just gotten worse...think i will take a few extra iron supplements. Since i have started writing and removed the ice pack my face has started hurting again - boo! When making an ice pack a zip lock bag is a much better idea than an open sandwich bag, but thats all I have. A paper towel wrapping also works better than a towel wrapper. Leave lots of air in the bag so it is easier to contour. A hairband will work on sandwich baggies if you dont have a ziplock but it will still leak a bit...

Cant wait to see the leaves and do some hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains!!!! If only it didnt involve telling my mom to fuck off.