Friday, January 26, 2007

in deep funk so whats new

They (blogger) MADE me switch to the new version. I don't like this. I like things the way they were. Will see. Ok well the new version spell check sucks worse than the old version. I really like that "correct all" for cant, wont, i, etc

ALSO, if I did not have to wait for the switch.....i would not have given in to sobbing texting. Damn me. Showing weakness; ha-ha, he-he, ho-ho....

I feel something is wrong w/ my body. Its like my head is too heavy... Sometimes when I am washing my face I cant help it and my head collides with the faucet. I am having trouble coming up with the correct word (GOD THAT SCARES ME). Like faucet....had to think about it. Being the hermit that I am (which btw is no longer acceptable and never should have been) I don't often talk to people beyond pleasantries.

Recent changes have made me seek out people a bit more and when talking I realize that it is getting worse... "Can you pass me, white paper thing for dirty hands, oh yeah! Napkin" Don't think that actually happened but is a great example of things that have. I have a constant wha-wha in my head which increases when ever i turn my damn head.

All this comes and goes.... Sometimes I can walk 5 miles. Sometimes a walk to the bathroom makes me feel like collapsing. I forget. A few days ago I put a bag of newspaper on the floor and totally lost my balance going down. Nice new bruise. When i feel my body not right i freak out, start crying (like for real). I made a doctors appt (3 months was the quickest they had) but didn't feel well enough to drive that day... Have not done a thing since...That Has To CHANGE. I will make a doctors appt. and call my parents if I have to.

The first time I had these symptoms he diagnosed anxiety attack. This past week it was so bad, and the medication he gave me was not working, just for a test - I took 10 (this time sans tequila :) and nothing changed. I didn't get better or worse. Those pills should have knocked me out in an hour for at least 6 hours and nothing.... Odd.

I feel better now. I have a small smile on my face. I have left the depths of despair that I have been wailing in behind me. At least for now.

I need to make more friends. I have the most wonderful friend in the world - she is kinda depressed but if she hadn't told me I never would have known. She just exudes an inner goodness, beauty, and sexuality. She is always smiling, giving hugs and kisses, coming over and making me clean. I love her and need more positive people like her in my world.

I read something today from a link on dooce about causes of happiness rather than depression.

The happiest people have good social networks. I have like only 1 friend and though have lots of family am only close to mom and dad and that only happened a few years ago. So I am going to do volunteer work, go back to school, leave the beach for the more sociable Grove.
Happier people also do more things. They don't sit around all the time like I do. When you are involved in something you are more in the moment. Not thinking about how shitty your life will always be. I remember when I worked and went to school full time. I had zero down time, and life was great. So I vow to do more. Actually Print And Frame My Pictures. Paint on them. Get them shown. I need to get back in the art scene. I have been saying it for ever, but now it seems like a revelation that it Can and WILL happen. I was secretly really scared that I could never do anything with my life. At least that had something to so with making the same kind of money my parents and intelligence say I can. Well after a suicide attempt, there really is nothing else you can do that is worse to your parents. Damn, now I'm crying b/c i should have talked to them more before.....I just didn't know how important it was...

this is deteriorating quickly. you should see the sentences i have deleted. i know i am hard to understand, but i didn't even understand what i was trying to say.

the third and final thing I have learned that the happiest people have in common is that they are very forgiving. Damn me, but I am not. I hold too many things in... I have put myself here....gotta get fucking happy again...

OK, um started watching TV and nothing was on and I stopped on CMT. Its got videos. I am watching and listening to my first country song (except for Lyle Lovett on that Dead cover album - don't remember the song, but i did like it) and I like it. Country is pretty rocking. Never thought I would say that that.

Back to that forgiving thing.... I never realized it, but it hurts too much to hold on to all the hurts I feel people have inflicted on me. I guess I feel they did a bad thing and it hurt me and there was no excuse for it so I cant forgive it. My best friend fucking my boyfriend b/c she was "drunk and we were only in our teens" I cannot forgive. Though I have tried to be friends w/ her again after I found her on the Internet. She has a child. It is so weird that one of our trio just doesn't want anything to do w/ the other two. We were a (maybe the) trio in junior and high school...
Now listening to Kelly Pickler and I like it :) I am going to watch this till my one of my fav movies is on in a bit. The Long Kiss Goodnight. OK, Kelly is a bit cheesy and is getting on my nerves but the song's almost over....

So many things my husband did that I cant forgive. He was just too angry for me. But I am not easy to get along with. I did so many other bad things that he just forgave... I was totally grateful but just accepted it and didn't question it. Guess cause I was never very committed, though I did REALLY try. All b/c I could never forgive....

Well the friend from high school, what she did no longer causes me pain. Guess that's why I tried to reconcile, but i just had to tell her off before so that, so she had no interest. Its not nice to have the girl you considered a friend until she slept w/ your bf (oh and left a giant hickey so I would know he had been w/ someone - so classy) laugh and hang up on you when you ask her out for some coffee or something. I so gotta get over that.

I gotta learn to get over shit. It never used to really bother me that much until I started getting back into committed relationships (oh! my first keith urban song - he is so hot and i love nicole - pause!!!) Damn, started bawling right away, but then so many thinks rang true, like Ani Difranco used to, and I started to feel better.... Think the song was "Stupid Boy". He is hot.....

Movie on. Post way tooooo long, and I really hate reading long posts unless they are by great people, well i mean writers.

And though I want to end this b/c I just got a call from my mom at midnight - when the phone rang I thought it would be someone else...was unsure if good or bad as always.

Then its my mom screaming you have come over now. So then I start screaming why? She fell b/c her patio is being redone and chunks of marble are missing and twisted her ankle. But she sounded like she was inside.... Then she remembered that i am dizzy girl and car has very weak headlights so started freaking out about me driving. Then I remembered about hotel next door so realized I could get a cab instantly and realized, what the hell could I do if w/ just the two of us. She was saying it was swollen really badly so I thought we should call the paramedics b/c if you drive into an ER at 12 on a friday with a piddly twisted ankle you will be there for hours before you are seen by anybody. She refused and then we were just two screaming idiots, then crying idiots, then laughing hysterically idiots. So not good for the insane to call the insane for help. Eventually I was like come on mom, paramedics are always hot for some reason, let put on some make-up, come over and be there when they it for I can meet a nice guy with a good job. Giggling now. She started explaining how at first she was just freaking out b/c there was something wrong w/ her body. I told her what I had been doing here - basically venting about the same thing.
Then we started arguing about which hospitals to go to. She wanted Mercy, but thats where I went. I think Mt. Sinai rocks but there are so many more ghetto hospitals on the way there. I cant believe the paramedics wont take you where you ask them. Aren't they like medical taxi's with hot do gooding drivers? (more giggling)

Resolved that I am going to take her to one of those urgent care centers (duh?) and then pick up dad from the airport. Really sucks when things go bad and you are not alone and not used to it. Damn I relate to her more and more everyday. Right ankle - so I get to drive a Benz again! So I have to I drive her around town, which will be good for me - the whole getting out more and being around people.

Wow. If anyone has gotten this far I applaud you - just plz let me know if you got to the end in a comment or email. just wondering if my reading is legible. Just scrolled it - so many I's. Its like its all about me.

now YOUR turn - comment Bye - so WIDE awake thanks to life in turmoil and a very hysterical phone call.