Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Yeah, "Interesting" things always happen to Others

It's funny, I spent many hours thing what I would call this post and could come up w/ nothing that seemed meaningful enough, respectful enough, or deep enough. Then I realized, I am a sarcastic bitch, and that's what gets me through life. I can be irreverent, however inappropriate. It is my right. I just figured this out right now, as I sat down to write. The title just poured out of my fingers - it felt like I couldn't think right w/o typing or writing. That the main thing here - I try not to "prethink" things. As I think them, I write them. OK - I usually have a topic in mind, but today, I obviously don't know where to begin.

I am not sure, but I might have mentioned my suicidal thoughts here before (or maybe not for insurance purposes ;-\). I figured that when I couldn't stand my own head anymore I could rent a car (I like mine way tooo much) and just drive off any bridge - most likely the one over the Miami River right before you get onto 95 south from 836). Now that I have seen what it does to a family (not mine thankfully)hopefully those little demons will leave my mind for a long time. Every time I veered of the road at 90mph headed for that guardrail, I thought of my very loving parents (I am an only child and that carries a lot of guilt - at least for me - can't speak for all here- hate it when people do that), my very loving fiance who just unexpectedly lost his 54 yr old mom, my husky Jackson, rat terrier Papo(or fat terrier as I prefer b/c he really is mutt), little cute mutt Ginger (short and long - no clue as to breeding- but up for adoption {please contact me if interested - she comes w/ a lifetime return policy}; I found her abandoned or lost at the dog park and thought I would be able to find here a new home or preferably her old home right away, but 4 months later, still no luck) and last but not least my kitties - beautiful little "whitey" - real name Suzy, and giant Cosmo. I cant' leave all these souls w/o a mother, daughter, or fiance. The pain in my head is nothing compared to the collective pain of everyone who loves me should I die. This is the first time I have thought/written in depth about my own death w/o being in the mood to advance it. It takes a shock to bring you back to normal sometimes. It kinda looks like I am trying to find the silver lining to this cloud - this affected me more than I thought.

Last night my neighbor blew his brains out in the middle of the street w/ a sawed off shotgun. I avoided all bystander curiosity and never took a look at him b/c I knew it would be haunting (hello tears). I didn't know him, which makes it better for me, but also makes me feel really bad that I didn't know someone who lived right across the street and needed help that I might have been able to offer in some small way. He was the only thing I could see out of my bedroom window. Less than 10 feet off my property line he lay there for 5 hours until the firemen came and hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer. Right after the police left and the street was opened again, the cars w/ music blaring started up again. People where unknowingly walking their dogs right over the spot where someone lay dead for 5 hours. Really dead.

A few minutes after the cops left they took down the crime scene tape from my driveway (please - I hope I never have to cross crime scene tape to go into my home) so I could park my car inside the gate and take it away from the "steal away spot" (Goodyear fucking sucks BTW), his family arrived. Luckily for them they arrived AFTER the firemen had hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer - I really hope they did a good job b/c I walk that way everyday. Until they arrived, I thought good, now the flashing lights are gone and I can finally get some sleep. But this was the hardest part of it all -they were 3 grown Hispanic men bawling harder than I have since Misha died. I have never heard a Hispanic man (especially an older one), sob like that. Poor me - I couldn't sleep all night - yeah poor fucking me. My life is great compared to maybe 60 percent of the population, my head is just fucked up and the meds (Welbutrin -at times I am that sad little blue bubble) aren't working that well lately but I am scared to change b/c of the withdrawal symptoms.

My dead neighbor had dogs, and one of them got out and lay down on the spot where his dad had been. That fucking broke my heart. I feel animals have pure souls yet are more intuitive than most humans can ever be- not always a popular opinion.
I have totally lost track of what I wanted to say and don't feel like rereading.

Last night totally sucked.
Be careful what you wish for (something interesting to write about).
Never kill yourself while drunk or on some kind of drugs.
Suicide creates more problems than possibly imaginable for loved ones left behind - that's what always stops me.
     I am going to go buy him some flowers so that his family knows that someone out there is thinking of him - though I didn't know him. I hate that I don't know many of my neighbors. I helped organize crime watch parties for the sole intention of getting to know your neighbors (I guess in all fairness to my self he had just moved in a month ago - I did know the people who used to live there) and I was also on the board of the local homeowners assoc. to become more involved in neighborhood activities.

The police were so crass. To them it was just another day on the job. They were making plans for where they were going to have drinks once the paper work was done. But I guess you have to be that way if you see the same thing day after day after day. If not, you will probably go crazy. We all need coping strategies, unfortunately, I haven't found mine yet. On the other hand, they should be more sensitive to the neighbors. This is traumatic for us. We DON'T see this kind of thing every day. Blood and brains, not to mention a "body" aren't usually lying across the street. You can take things in stride w/o letting them affect you (they really have to), but you can still be more sensitive to others.

I Hope 2005 is a Better Year.
ps - I did know him, just didn't know where he lived.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."