Monday, July 19, 2004

Really Sad, Really Long Spiral of Self Pity

-just a warning......
          God I'm having a bad day. 
          One of those where my skin is too thin. 
          EVERYTHING is bothering me today. 
I really hate saying this b/c I feel that it pushes the women's movement back like who knows how many years, but I think the culprit is PMS. 
          My boss, AKA, my mom, is really getting on my nerves today and all I can keep thinking, over and over and over again is "shut up bitch - I don't even want to work here - I gave you my 2 weeks notice over a year ago - but look - here I am - just a stupid dumbfuck idiot who would rather die a painless death than come back tomorrow.
  A while after I left home, I realized that my parents didn't try to fuck my life up and preclude me from having a social life.  They really did want me to be happy, thing is, they aren't perfect.  No one is perfect.  So though parents did and still do the best they can, they are bound to make mistakes.  Especially if one of the parents has a horrible temper that I seem to have inherited.   So now we have mother and daughter yelling (quite loud) at each other while daughter feels that it is perfectly w/in her rights to just walk out the damn door and never come back.  Then the guilt sets in.  When ever someone quits w/o notice it fucks everyone's life at work.  But then I remember- I gave notice over a year ago, trusting that they believed me.  They almost let me go after I explained not so calmly that I would rather be dead than keep doing this bullshit day after day after day.  I finally told them of my fantasy of renting a car and driving it off a bridge.  This really upset them.  That wasn't my intention - who knows what my intention was.  I like to think that it wasn't one of those sad cries for attention you hear about.  I have appented it twice and didnt talk about it untill years later (at least 5 - my parents still dont know - but if they had the econo size bottle of tylenol instead of aspirin, I would not be writing today). -ALL PARENTS OF TEENAGERS -  KEEP NO TYLENOL IN THE HOUSE - IT TAKES DAYS TO KILL YOU AND A SIMPLE STOMACH PUMP WONT HELP A BIT AFTER A FEW HOURS - ASPIRIN JUST GIVES YOU A REALLY BAD STOMACHACHE-  My dad said I could leave the next week, but I know that there is tons of work to do, and no one but family will work the hours to make it happen (though I do read a lot of blogs and play backgammon and chess throughout the day).   It's not like I REALLY want to die, it's more like I REALLY don't want to keep coming here day after day after day w/ false promises that it will end, which I no longer believe.  Death seems like a good option b/c no one can yell at me for bailing out.  Guess that's why it's the coward's way out.
Sidenote:  I told my psychiatrist about my driving off bridge plan in a joking way.  He has nothing but Mercedes magazines in his office and I saw all the safety features they have - it seems like 90% of the interior of my car is air-bag protected.  So I told him that even if I did try suicide it probably wouldn't work b/c my car is too damn safe.  He said I should watch what I tell him, or he could commit me.  Man, he really knows how to foster good interpersonal relationships doesn't he? Can you feel the trust I have for this damn turd of a man?  Yeah, didn't think so.
          I don't know what death is like, but it seems like it would be quiet and warm - maybe like a cosmic womb - no stress - extremely inviting at the moment.
          A nice alternative to death would be a temporarily (1-2 months) accident that doesn't cause any facial scarring (yes - very superficial I know).  This is the only other guilt free way to leave work but I haven't the slightest idea how to make it happen.  I don't want to lose any appendages and you can't guarantee this in a car accident.  I would also NEVER want to hurt another individual - something else you can't control in a car accident.  And finally - what always stops me - the pain left behind that I would be the direct cause of.  I think that no one would care but then I think that if one of my cousins did it (and I am not that close w/ any of them) it would hurt me tremendously.  I might be more sensitive than others, but I am pretty sure it would affect them negatively also.  As I just found out, if some one I don't even know takes the easy way out, it really fucking affects me.... 
I just left for half an hour and I feel better already.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I should have it tattooed on my forearm. 
I know this isn't fun reading.  This is for me.  MY THERAPY.  It seems to be working.  Kinda.
"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."