wow - it could be me

An excerpt from Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell:



Well not the stalker part but the girl part, down to the beachfront living.

"....watched her pace and cry and pull out her hair. She never sleeps at night, afraid of storms. She watched movies all night and into the morning. She watches movies when it rains, and if there's thunder, she turns the volume up hard, and when the sun is bright, she hides from it....
...She wants to be alone and is terrified of being alone. She dreads thunder and rain, dreads clear skies and sunlight, doesn't want to be anywhere anymore under any conditions whatsoever....She thinks nothing of it when he bays [in my case howls] as she drinks vodka [scotch] and takes pills and pulls out her hair, the routine same after day after day after day."

me again!
In reality this was me. Except for thunderstorms, I love those.

I am doing so much better now. I am living w/ my boyfriend and am no longer alone all the time, which I wanted, but was very bad for me. I am also taking an LSAT class in hopes of kicking the test's ass and becoming an environmental lawyer. One of the best schools for that is in Vermont, another in Portland, and another my father's Alma matter. I would love the first two but the third is in NYC which i cant handle living in. So the dream of the Blue Ridge Mountains is gone, replaced with dreams of the Green Mountains and the Cascades and the Rockies.

As I am from miami, i am a little scared of real cold (Richmond was perfect) but I love and need seasons. They balance me out. So do bi-polar meds. I guess I have my life to thank for them. I can sleep, I can go out, and trichotillomania is quickly fading.

I am so excited about law school! Just have to actually work so I can live during the first year. My parents said they wont help, but I dont really believe them. Must be nice huh? Having parents who could foot a law school bill. But i get all this crazy bullshit in my head b/c my mom is crazy. Something I learned during adolescent psychology but was only 18 so kinda forgot, but I talk about A LOT during therapy so its coming back and i am learning to cope w/ her and her mood swings and insults. I dont understand, and honestly never could, how my dad could put up w/ her. But he is a perfect husband and completely in love with her.

Speaking of love, sadly I dont think I have the capacity for it at the moment. Who knows when or even if I ever will. I love animals, but have severe trust issues w/ people.

Getting tired (wow!) and promise to come back sooner.

ps - going to start a "my background" b/c I change it a lot and love them all.

Here is the current one: OK, BF put it on and I dont seem to have it saved in here.

So here is the last one:




And the one before that, courtesy of BF who shares my sick sense of humor and love of purple:



Cant remember the one before that. Sigh.

kindness

I am kind to a fault. Maybe its not really being kind. I think its more like not really having the ability to say NO. So go figure, I got taken advantage of. I decided it was such a good idea to be a complete recluse so I got a roommate - more of a friend, who would clean in exchange for rent. He bugged me b/c he never contributed to food costs. But that was it; pretty good roommate.

then he recommended his friend to move in when he moved to CA. His friend, Scott, had his landlord change his mind about dogs and he wasn't able to stay w/ his dog. Me being sucker that I am, was all too happy to accommodate. This one was supposed to get a job and give me $500/month for rent. HE WAS SUCH A WHINY BITCH. And he stole from me. Why does that hurt so much to admit? He spent $300 on a credit card that he was NOT authorized to use. I am hesitant to dispute the charges b/c I feel responsible for leaving the card where he might find it. I am feeling sick to my stomach thinking about this so time for a topic change. Ok, came back after writing down below. He borrowed my car so much and I just wanted him gone so I let him. He got 4 parking tickets and never told me about them so they went unpaid. I have issues w/ mail (I HATE IT) so some of my mailing addresses are to my parents house. So my dad got notice of the parking tickets and just thinks I am even more less than able to handle my life. ARRGGGHH!!

Was originally going to write about the kindness of strangers, especially of the internet kind. I have had so many kind comments and support here and I thank you all so much. Just knowing that a total stranger cares and understands just how soul sucking Miami is is priceless. I do need to leave. I WANT to leave. Have wanted to since I moved back but it feels like my soul has already been dried up. I have NO ambition. I feel like I am sixteen again, except I dont want a boyfriend. I seem to fall for people who dont live in this state. I guess it offers a simple option to move.

The empathy I also feel for people out there amazes me. I cry over other peoples pain. Because I do it, I feel it in the few comments here. I really feel them. And the concern makes me so sad. I hate to have people worrying over me. But for years I have given nothing but reasons to worry.

On to the selfish me.
Being near my parents is suffocating. My mom REALLY broke her leg in April. Two days before I was to go to San Fransisco and Hawaii. God I needed that vacation. It not that I work hard, I just need to LEAVE MIAMI. The only thing keeping me here is a fucking townhouse the best part of Miami - Coconut Grove. Now my ex-husband lives there. I just found out he put a key logger spy thing on my computer during the end of our marriage. I emailed him when I found out. No words - just letting him know I found out. He replied quite rudely. But what really struck me was the vehemence of his anger. It simply disgusted him and made him physically sick to his stomach that I was going to be moving into HIS zip code. To hate someone that much takes up so much negative energy that I suddenly stopped hating him and resumed to the usual pity. I feel so bad that his so sweet girlfriend has to live w/ him when he is harboring so much hate inside. I am just coming to terms w/ what a total control freak he was. No wonder I felt to out of control or just dead inside; I literally had control taken away from me. Perhaps I felt my death was something I actually had control over....not really. Just hated life and wanted it to end. But the control thing probably played a huge role in that.
I hated him for a month - I asked him if I could watch the dog that we used to share and he said no, because that would be doing me a favor and he didnt feel I deserved any. It felt good to have the anger at first. His car (which doesnt work) is still in my driveway. How badly could I screw him over with that? Checked my mail, aw - his failing business is behind on taxes and for some reason the mail came to my house. Guess our relationship no longer involves favors so letter stayed put. For a while hating was fun, but after a while it was so draining. I hated having such negative feelings inside me. So weird that reading firsthand his absolute hate for me dissolved my hate for him. I can only feel bad for someone who can hate so much. I also feel bad because he is really turning into his father, something he never wanted to do, but I was always scared would happen. No worries - I am so over him. Was for years (ok, just maybe months) before it was officially over.

Wow tangent - really wanted to talk about parents. I feel so guilty that my mom is driving me crazy and I want to get so far away from her. I always felt like she only loved me b/c she had to. But she would never like me if I was not her child. If she was not my mother I see no reason, except for animal rescue things, why we would ever be anything close to friendly. I know that is horrible, but I gotta put it out there. Keeping it real seems to be the new slogan in the blogosphere nowadays. I dont really think I have ever done anything besides that though. Hmmm....I notice i keep diverging from the topic I wanted to talk about...guess it to close now. this is pretty anonymous here. Misha is my dead dog and my name does not appear. Um if anyone reading this knows my name, and i did not give it to you, kindly email and let me know.

So I felt bad about neglecting this place and felt like updating. Like when painting I had no idea where to start or what to extrapolate about. But it comes to me in strange ways. For someone w/ little so say I sure take a lot of words to say it.
Man I love that Lord Byron poem. It is completely where I am right now.

Odd. Looking at all my labels and none seem to fit this post. I am going to try "extrapolation" as the new them of my blog. Find a subject and write about how i feel about it. I could do that all day...and night. but i dont :)

edited to add: what a strange place this world is. my ex just called to apologize and I told him I had just written about him. Odd. then while I was writing this the first time, someone kicked me off my own account. So who the fuck out there is messing w/ my account and has my password??? yeah... i think i know who you are. I hope i am wrong and it was just a glitch that I was logged off my own account.

Lord Byron

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more...

ok, i did something. are you happy now? I dont give a shit. I am. HAH!

~Obama 4 pres!!!~

feeling fat...

So instead of going to haagen daaz at 2 in the morning for a chocolate shake, I went to wallgreens and got myself my first pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk in like 10 years. I figured it would work out better with portion control and all that. I forgot (or chose to ignore) that portion control simply does not mean Eat The Whole Damn Pint!!!

My first mistake - nuking it for 30 seconds to make it a bit more scoopable. A wee bit too much time and it kinda turned into a milkshake consistency. That is a HUGE weakness for me. So I gave myself a nice half cup portion, smushed it up so that it was milkshake consistency and promply devored while savoring every single cool chocolaty bite or slup. Thing is I didnt stop there. I ate the whole pint :(

So much for portion control...

Also walking down the beach yesterday people where looking at me. They tend to do that. For the first time in a long time I was wondering if they were looking at me b/c I am fat (damn PMS just kills me!) Then I got a date w/ a super hot lifeguard. You can saftely assume that made me feel Much Better.

I am even too scared to get on the scale.

Sigh... have also been having an anxiety attack for about 5 days now. My right leg is numbish from the inside and so is my right arm but in a lesser degree. This is a direct indication of MS (google it) I am always tired, but I think that is the anxiety - I hold my breath for a while w/o knowing A Lot. I also sigh w/o knowing it A Lot. Will go to doctor on monday and start working on this.

About a year ago I felt the same thing at a lesser degree and only in my leg but that was after exercise so they assumed it was a pinched nerve. But as part of his job he also had to tell me what else it could be - MS. Can you say BOO!!! He told me that if it didnt go away in a few days to see my regular doctor - couldnt drive that far that day so went to the ER which is on the island. It lasted 3 weeks and of course I never saw my regular doc. Will See Him This Monday - Tomorrow. Knowing is half the battle after all. I am way too scared of it being bad news - which is why I never went the first time. I cant even tell my parents b/c they have their own problems and are always worrying about me. Dont want to make them worry more.

Relating to my last post - I dont know if I clarified but the suicidal thoughts are more serious and the fantasies. As I found out, it tends to be a spur of the moment decision. There just came a time when I wanted to check out. But then I had to answer the stupid phone. Bah and Yay at the same time :]

Hey You! reading this - you must let me know what you think. A simple anonymous thumbs up or down would suffice but I love long comments. Please appease me. Come on - just do it!

differences

just thinking about things.. If only I could remember them. On the phone w/ my mom while trying to write..not too easy.

OK.

Suicidal Thoughts vs. Suicidal Fantasies

Is there a difference? For me the thoughts are more non specific. I just want to die. The fantasies are more involved and might involve hurting others, which I feel bad for, because I hate to think of my self as a bad person. Sure I have made some selfish choices but they dont necessarily make me a bad person. The fantasies are more planned. I like my car so I want to rent one and drive off a bridge with that one. My mom presses a painful button and I picture her hearing a bang and seeing the inside of my car suddenly spattered in red. Yeah, real nice. Its like I am 13 all over again. I could do it in her car and REALLY piss her off. As if simply doing it in my car wouldnt make her go ballistic.

Stupid vs. Living Life On The Edge

I used to think that people who didnt wear helmet on motorcycles automatically put them on the low end of the "Survival of the Fittest" spectrum. But how boring would life be if Everyone rode a helmet. If no one was willing to take a chance to feel the wind blow through their hair. For that very reason I Never wore a bicycle helmet but Always wore a motorcycle helmet with leather pants and jacket. Not only did I look cooler, I was Safer. But was still willing to go 100 MPH on one...

Living vs. Non Living

At the moment I do not really feel as if I am living. Just kinda feel dead on the inside and am not really too keen on seeing other people. Thing is that when I do see other people I usually enjoy it for abuout 5 houors. Left the typos b/c when I saw them, I actually said out loud "wow - that's pretty interesting". I guess living would be painting my townhouse, cleaning up the weeds around it (not a bad idea for monday), volunteering with Shake a Leg (google it -way too lazy for links), getting a fucking job, even just going to the damn beach would be something rather than a big fat nothing. Getting out of bed before 1 might be nice. Going to bed before 4 w/o thinking it an accomplishment that it early would be nice. Writing more would be really nice. Stopping being such a fucking blog addict would be nice. I can spend 10 hours reading blogs and love finding good new ones and reading their archives. Doing that with Violent Acres and Pioneer Woman at the moment.
aside - google reader is awesome. I you RSS me (I think you can) you will know when I post so you dont have to keep checking. I am well aware that my writing efforts are erratic at best.
When on vacation I never hit internet cafes and check email or myspace or anything like that. Daily blog reading is my real life and I like to escape that on vacation. Will be leaving for about 3 weeks soon (god I feel like I just wrote this..) The first half visiting a friend in Kauai (google it) and the second half visiting a friend in San Fransisco. I would soooo live there if it wasnt so damn expensive. At the moment (and it has been a years long moment) I want to live in a small college town in Blue Ridge or Smokey or Appalachian Mnts. Or Bozeman. Someplace with beautiful views, incredible nature, and most of all, cool, laid back people. I need to explore my art. Yes I do. In the worst/best way possible.

Later.

it does make me feel better

"Thanks, i hope my misery makes u feel better."

Like really, really, big smile on my face, better.

Is that so horrible? Above written by the person who ditched me week before we were supposed to go to India. Also, he just told me the real reason (maybe the 3rd real reason) he changed his mind was b/c he did not find me attractive and needed to be attracted so somebody...aw fuck it - he said it better..

"when i saw some of the photos u sent i realised i wasn't attracted 2 u as i thought. call me shallow but i need 2 be attracted 2 someone 2 be with them."

Funny thing is, though he has a great body I wasnt that attracted to his photos, much more to his personality. And he had quite a time to review those pics, only to tell me ONE WEEK BEFORE not to bother to fly half way around the world to meet him. GRRRR!!!

Shaun Robinson is his name. I am so fucking mean for putting that there and stupid considering the pics he has of me... But it is such a generic name...

I dont feel the slightest bit of pain that he had to cancel a snorkeling trip b/c of a negative feedback. Instead of replying with his version of the truth, he is deleting his account. What a wittle baby. I only feel bad that about 1000 lovely pics wont be available for viewing. I kinda feel like posting the whole email thing here because I get really creative when I write a mean letter. Its hard to understand though, because the whole thing is sopping wet with sarcasm - forget that dripping shit - soaking i tell you!

The website in question is called travel buddy. Even though I had a severely sour experience I still think it is great. It is for people who love to travel and share stories. Hmm... he could close his account and open up a new one so I should save the negative feedback I wrote for him somewhere in case I need to re post it. I can be evil in small ways. Especially with words. But feel I gave a very fair portrayal of what happened. In fact, here it is. Tell me if you think it's too much and if I should delete it. You thousands of imaginary readers out there.

Have you met in real life? No
Did you meet through TravBuddy? Yes
Have you traveled together? No
Why are you leaving a negative vouch for going2asia2007?

"We had planned on meeting in India (I am from the USA - he from Australia.) I asked him many times if he was REALLY OK w/ me traveling w/ him and his friend. I got repeated yeses. When I finally bought the ticket he seemed ecstatic. This was going to be a trip where I planned nothing and was happy to just 'follow along' and enjoy. We discussed this trip by email and phone for months. A week before my departure date he sent me an email w/ various contradicting excuses as to why he did not want to meet me in India any longer.

I am only writing this to protect other people from making the same mistake I did. I knew I was taking a risk, but he seemed so happy that I was going to join him and all my friends said Kiwis were the best travelers ever. I was blown away by the email. He knew I had made no plans and India is too large to plan a trip in a week so I ended up canceling it. Oddly, I still think he is a 'good' person. His emails sounded like he felt bad...but I felt a thousand times worse i am sure :)

I so wanted to vouch for him, but in a completely different way. This happened in October so I have had plenty of time to 'get over it' and I have but again feel that other people should know that this is a real possibility when traveling with this person. Make plans to travel if you like, but always have a back up. I was way too trusting. Hmmm...33 years and that continues to be one of my biggest problems. Jaded and too trusting...How are those reconcilable?"


I even left out his name b/c it was not in his profile. I mean, how much nicer can I get? Jeez!

electricity is good

its a nice thing. It really sucks when you don't have it. So most of Florida is kinda fucked. As usual, I have power in my glass fortress. Oddly, yesterday the elevators were not working for 20 minutes...which killed me b/c I was, as usual, running late for my $250/hr non-refundable if I miss it psychotherapy appt. Apparently my parents are not falling for my argument that everyone would be better off if I were "gone" and are trying to get me serious help. Also neat - most people can talk about something and stay on topic. Dr. Dude noticed that and it seemed to be a good thing that I am aware of it, though I cannot really help it.
As I was leaving the Dr. office I noticed traffic was there - like always. But the lights were not working. And McDonald's only took cash... Then I realized that all the lights on US1 were not working - this is a 6 lane major road.

OOHH, they are telling Tampa/Orlando 10 hours for power, but have been telling us 2 hours for an hour... "They" say there was no terrorism involved but The Turkey Point Nuclear Facility has been shut down. That shit gives me goosebumps. It tripped off at 1:09 b/c of lack of power. I dont see how we can have power in 2 hours if it involves restarting a nuclear power plant.
Damn, I just heard that cellphone and email stuff is not working either. Ahhh, traffic lights are now working :) This must have gone down right after I left the Dr. office. The office and my parents house both lost power and regained it w/in a half hour.
Driving home reminded me of driving after hurricane Andrew. The looks of confusion were there, but the lights, though not working, were also still above ground and there were no trees to navigate around. So yeah - JUST like after Hurricane Andrew.
Dude, Disney has no power...have they not heard of generators?? I bet that anyone in Disney World has no idea that power is out, b/c Disney is run oh so very smoothly. They must have super giant, super quiet generators - the news is just informing us that Disney has no juice.
I did not see planes circling over MIA so I thought that was cool, but there have been many departure delays. Also Miami is in a heat wave now. I cant help but laugh - heat wave in February. Many fire trucks just passed by... Hit 90 today and is now 85 and if it wasn't so damn windy I would be at the beach but hey...

But still, this "Florida is losing power" shit is kinda freaking me out. I feel like I drank a giant coffee. The best was when I was driving home a crackhead/panhandler started directing traffic. If only he has a bucket then, I would totally have given him money. Now that I really think about it, he was way too clean to be a homeless crackhead. Hmm...Some Sunpasses are not working...Sucks for the transit authority.

3,000,000 people across the southern end of the state are out. Weird. No one really knows why... That is the weird part. We don't know if Turkey Point was shut down or if it shut itself down. Something tells me we will never know.

Ok, so I am tired of hearing about people not having power and being stuck in elevators and very thankful that I am not one of those.

GRRRR - I just got a big red ERROR line on top of my screen. Blogger better not be based in fl.

So something happened, no one really knows what, but we are in no danger from the reactor and will have power by 6. That would be nice for Florida.

lost

who is this new pilot who was supposed to be flying guy?

I saw a psychotherapist today and I actually like him. Quite unusual, but I felt a good vibe. It's kinda (reallllllllly) sad that I justify paying $300 to see a therapist b/c at least I have to take a shower, get dressed, and get out of the house.

I have a boy who is my age moving in tomorrow. He is not rich...why cant i be attracted to rich guys? WHY does $$ seem to turn me off? Maybe those that actually have to work for a living are better. I think I just happen to have the good fortune(?) to be attracted to artists. And somehow artists just happen to be really (and I mean really) good in bed. But its all weird. It reminds me of Gene...living together for the wrong reasons. Except I dont work w/ Mike, and it will be only be the two of us, no 5 other roommates to diffuse the tension.

How did I get drunk so fast? Suddenly my eyes cannot focus. I amm druunnck.

Damn, I just saw a Pedigree commercial w/ the cutest puppy golden. I wanted him/her so much. "for every puppy adopted there is one one not adopted" killed me. drunk so just started crying and wanted THAT overlooked and all to adorable staged for TV puppy.

But dude, i got a husky and 3 cats. I am doing my part, and my parents are paying for most of their care.

better off without me

DISCLAIMER: I PLAN TO WALK MY DOG TOMORROW

I am so sick of everyone worrying about me. So often I feel that if I were to just DO IT, there will be intense pain at first. But that has to fade, right? At least then they wont be constantly worried. They will know. But I cant hurt them that way. But I feel like a money drain and that I am just breathing air, that someone deserves more than I. Guess I am in feeling like a waste of a human being mood.

coolest tent evar

I so want this tent, though it is so not practical. I just thought it was the cutest one ever. It also just happens to run from $4,000 to $5,000. Besides the price it is not perfect for me because it is a four season tent. I need to have two tents. One that is as much mesh as possible for FL camping and a winter tent for mountain camping. This one is too big for hiking and too hot for FL so it is useless to me, but that doesnt mean I cant covet it. Its from North Face too, so its like the best of its kind. Even if it is the only geodesic tent out there. I want an orange geodesic tent. But I dont need one :)

Was also checking out diving gear. All these watches are water proof to 330 feet but only water resistant to salt water. Is there really good diving to be found in fresh water lakes? I just cant picture a fresh water reef. They would be good for spring/cave diving but that is a whole other much more dangerous type of sport.

I want to dive Cozumel and the great barrier reef before I die. Hmmm.... Another reason to live besides "I cant die, because I live by myself and if I were to kill myself, 3 cats and one dog would die." Dont believe in god, but if I did let my babies die out of my own fucked up selfishness I think I would really deserve to go to hell. Yeah, and heaven would be way boring. I would know NO ONE THERE!

from my first real boyfriend

he said this always reminded him of me

XXVII

Naked, you are simple as a hand,

minimal, supple, earthy, transparent, round.

The lunar markings, the pathways through the apple,

are yours; naked, you are slender as wheat.



The cuban blue of midnight is your color,

naked, I trace the stars and tendrils in your skin;

naked, you stand tawny and tremendous,

a summer's wholeness in cathedral gold.



Naked,you are tiny as your fingernail;

subtle and curved within the daybreak's pink

you thrust yourself into the subterranean world



a tunnel's length through our duress and clothing:

your clarity trims its flame, unfurls, or covers over,

and again you issue, naked as your hand.



P.Neruda

....swoon....

I was in 7th grade, maybe 9th? And totally thought i was fat, but in retrospect i wasnt.

Also the the other night I had dinner w/ someone from the building. We were in the elevator together and he asked me if i wanted to grab some pizza, I was starving so i said sure. He introduces me to everyone as "the prettiest girl in the building". After dinner we watched a movie at him place. It was pretty slow paced so I had a lot of time to talk. He is a doctor. I asked him a question he couldnt answer and was quite impressed. I love the moment of discovery when someone realizes I am smart. When I was 20, and I guess a lot cuter someone actually said, wow, you dont look smart. He said most girls in miami are so cardboard and i must agree w/ him there. The thing is I dont play the game. I look good, but i dont wear make-up, I wear heels like once a month and i live in flip flops or boots depending on the weather. Well, so now I am not only the prettiest girl in the building, I am also the smartest one. Right On!

I am odd.

Down on south beach with the most beautiful and wonderful Julie, we passed a club playing 80's rock. I fucking love it! I got id'd at the door and then realized that if I know all the words to almost every song you are playing, there is no way I would be under 21. But i would have gotten pissed if he didnt ask for it.

Some people have a mental filter. When I drink, mine don't work too well. As I was leaving, I asked where I was and what the name was. Between 12th and 13th (dont remember what st. exactly, but I can figure it out) and it's called Felt.

"Cool, I like 13 and I love to be felt so I can remember this easy"

And dammit, I hurt a really old friend by being an idiot. I am sorry to have brought your pain back to the surface. I really am. I read what you post and I cant help but cry every time. But then most anything can make me cry. I guess not really. I have not cried that much lately. Cant say I have been happy. Just dont think about things. Still with the whole life is great till I think about it thing. I can cry for other peoples pain, but mine seems so vast and deep inside that I cant even touch it. I just know it's there. And I should deal with it. But it is so much easier to ignore it. My main reason for not killing myself is that I live by myself and take care of 3 cats and a dog. If I were to die, then they would too, and that final thought just kills me. I could never be selfish enough to let 4 animals starve to death... But I was selfish enough to try and I need to get over that already. MOVE ON! IT IS THE PAST! GET OVER YOURSELF! if only it was that easy...

How did I let such a fun and great night turn into a sad pathetic post? It was nice to get out :) And very nice to see the sun rise.

I am cat-like and I like it

and so was Misha. Though she wanted to eat them, at times she was very much like a cat. She was very loving, but would ignore you if she got mad at you for something. The first time she had a yard she played w/ a ball just like a cat would. She also climbed chain link fences like a cat does.

grrr....I wanted to go to sleep early tonight.

watching "have a wedding"

Love is a game
and games can be fun
Love is a game
and games should be fun
(not my words, from a song in the movie - they just really strike a chord with me and I did not want to forget them)

some blog along w/ the state of the union. I really admire them for that. I am blogging about a not so good, yet not horrible movie tonight - many spoilers...

dude, i get that jason biggs is sad, but i have hit rock bottom and am still glued to it, but I have NEVER had the urge to drink pickle juice out of the jar for breakfast. But then I cant ingest anything but water and pills till at least 3 hours of awake time...

have i told ya'll how much i love watching movies that are in the theaters on my laptop? Cuz it really fucking rocks! VeohTV is da bomb.

Any one who reads this, I love you. Let me know if you like it, or if its just crap. While i hope you like it, i happen to think its pretty much just crap so you cant hurt my feelings there. I dont want "comments", i want "feedback". I want a site like Mihow's. The entries are awesome, but the conversations in the comments are what make it.

Just Wrong
watching movie - dad bites into sandwich and daughters diaphragm (how the hell is anyone supposed to know how that is spelled? i had one for a year and had no clue how to spell it) just happens to be in it? so, so very, very wrong.

OMG - so funny
old people having kinky foreplay w/ whipped cream.

hmm...
they travel in buses. I dont know why, but unless it is a straight line i dont do buses. Any train system in the WORLD no prob, but switching buses just seems like a pain in the ass. I do remember doing it many years ago, before I was 16, but I was always w/ someone who knew how to work it. I like the bus system in San Fran though. I dont know if i used it, but i was able to walk through most of the city back to "homebase" thanks to the wonderful bus shelters. Each one had a map of the city with a you are here dot. Paris could use that. Miami could use that. Mexico buses are different. On an overnight destination to destination trip we stopped all the time, in the middle of nowhere to pick people up. People were sleeping in the aisles. Also, their buses are more like collectivos. Which i guess translates into "collective". They were pick ups with wooden frames attached to the back. I have seen people standing on the bumper and holding on and that is considered OK. At least there you tell them where you are going, you get there for like 40 cents, and you get dropped off where you want. Great for adventurous tourists. However, there are none running between 2-4, the hottest fucking hours of the day to be standing on the side of a "highway". My ex's dad actually saw us waiting for a ride and did not stop. OMG. We eventually hitched a ride with a preacher who was going to the exact same "town" we were going to. The insane riptides there had claimed the life of a marine biology professor and he was doing the whole funeral thing. I never went swimming in those beaches. Here I can swim out forever and feel fine on a normal day, but there the riptides could take you out to sea in seconds. Apparently many peopole die there. It is called Las Bahias de Huatulco in Huatulco (he-he, spellcheck does not recognize Huatulco as a word and the first suggestion is Flatulence - I just dont get it), Mexico. We were staying in Zipolite - a town on the southernmost and westernmost part of Mexico. It is wonderful. I hear Puerto Angel is also nice, but all I remember about that was a giant pig walking the streets and a bridge built to go over a giant mud puddle.

And I Want To BE One

You Would Be a Pet Cat

Independent and aloof, you don't like to be dependent on anyone. And as for other people, you can take them or leave them. You often don't care. You live your life by your own rules. And you have deep motivations that no one truly understands. Why you would make a great pet: You're not needy or greedy... unlike other four legged friends. Why you would make a bad pet: You're not exactly running down to greet people at the door What you would love about being a cat: Agility and freedom What you would hate about being a cat: Being treated like a dog by clueless humans

What Kind of Pet Would You Be?

I got me an xmas present!

Now to me, a good present is one that is completely impractical yet totally wanted. I have wanted purple contacts forever, and I finally bought me some! I don't want them to look real, I like the funky look, but if they look real that would be cool too. Only $40! Because i stole a copywrited image here is where i got the contacts. They have tons of other really cool kinds. Its neat to browse.

I had recently seen something where a dead victims eyes (on TV) were cloudy and open. This after having a discussion the previous day about why they always close every dead persons eyes and they stayed closed. I learned during the worst night of my life, that when you close the eyes of the dead, they just pop right back open. I said bye to her till here eyes got cloudy and her paws got cold. (Wow Tangent) The point was brought up that on TV and Movies they close the eyes because people blink a lot. But then I saw the dude w/ the wide open cloudy eyes...maybe they numbed his eyeballs so he would not blink? Anyway, I thought cloudy contacts would have made an excellent addition to my dead lady Halloween costume, but though they sell almost every imaginable type of contact, nothing cloudy. So I only went purple. Which if you remember correctly, IS my Favorite color. Purple Rocks!

Perhaps I can go as a young elizabeth taylor as I now have violet eyes and all, or at least will in a week. It will be odd to wear contacts again. It has been 6 years since i had lasix surgery and at that point I never thought I would wear contacts again. Damn my funky vanity. Perhaps that it why i like my tattoo. Because of it I am permanently accessorized, which works great for me b/c I never wear jewelry.

MISHA

My dear beloved first dog
In your eyes there was craziness and calmness
Sadly you were only with me for 7 precious years
Happiness for you was when you were chasing cats and jumping fences
At least you died doing what you loved best, and I don't mean being hit by white trucks that don't stop

BLOG

Because I need an outlet
Lonely so much
Only me and my animals
Great to have an outlet, or 3...



um, one of my first attempts at poetry. Hope to improve.

la-di-da-di-da...

Coming here is like going into the next room and wondering "Ok, I walked here for a reason, if only I could remember what it was..."

Got it!

I have been really good about the whole not smoking thing. But today I woke with exceptionally bad cramps and I really want one! wah!

Actually called two head docs today. Making progress baby!

Da Simpsons

Tonight's episode of the Simpsons was one of the best ever. Ralph for President! I have thought how cool it would be to fuck up an election w/ a write in candidate. The best was that even Lisa thought Ralph would be good, and she could be his "First Ladle". Ralph was just like Bush, but nice. I hope they continue with this story line. Although I just realized that for all I know, it could have been a repeat. Hope it wasn't and they continue with the story line. Please

upon entering

Every time I walk inside my apartment I swear I hear a little beep. And that is the only time I ever hear it. I would be lying if I said it did not freak me out a bit.

Oh yeah, the other day when I was talking about it feeling like freezing tropical storm force winds, I was right. The temp dropped to 32 (although probably not when i was outside) and 2 tiny palm trees in the dunes got kinda broken in half which is pretty odd behavior when I think about it. Usually palm trees lose their tops or just fall over. But I have never seen any that were only 5' high and they didn't have "solid" trunks, more like trunks made up of many shoots. Perhaps that is why they broke. They were also planted by the "Condo Association" and had no business living in the dunes where it is clearly posted that foot traffic will result in a fine up to $500. Maybe it's just me, but I can't see how they were able to landscape the dunes w/o stepping on then. I have wanted to turn them in but i figure i will just have to pay the fine in the long run. Also, my friend who is a palm tree god, says these are among the stupidest to plant next to the ocean.

Another thing...(and i said i was going to quit this thing - just made me think more) damn. Totally forgot what that other thing was.... Yeah - The Shadows

I was sitting in the chair next to the window facing the ocean right before sundown and the shadow of my building almost made it to the horizon. It was amazing. A little sad, but very neat. Especially when a boat very far away passed though it. At first I say this tiny golden spot and as it went through the shadow it turned grey/white and then back to having the sunset reflect off it. I remember going out in our little tiny boat. Sunset is such a beautiful time to be out on the water. Everything is constantly changing colors depending on your perspective. I miss it. And dammit, I miss being part of an "us" or "we". And i hate talking to mom. I used to have no problem being single. Oh yeah, I lived 1,000 miles away and had some sanity left at the time.

of course i have more to babble about, but i will wait till next time. i hope i remember :]

I am not giving up here. Its just my new mantra is "Life is great, as long as I dont think about it" and coming here makes me think about it, and just really fucking sucks.

I just came back from a dog walk, though i hate leaving the safety of my walls, the walks always make me feel better. Why cant i just focus on that??

Well last night was like 40 w/ like 20-30 mph winds. I forgot my hat. My ears froze. It sucked. For the next walk I found some ear muffs and my hat. I was thinking about writing here. Describing the wind as something so strong you had to hold on to your hat when my hat actually flew off and i had to run full speed to catch it LOL. So maybe this will be just blurbs. Little tiny thoughts from now on out w/ pics and the occasional long post that make no sense. I used to feel silly putting down a 5 sentence or less but if thats all it is, then thats all it is. I think it might be cute to look back on my silly thoughts like a that a week or so later. Because I pretty much change my mind ALL the time.

hi...

i dont know if i like writing here anymore. it just doesnt feel right anymore. I guess i dont have much to offer so bye. Damn, I just started thinking how this "post" originally started..

just came here because i wanted to but i really dont have anything in mind. Guess thats when I started thinking about things. I hate it when i do that. Guess that why I dont want to write here anymore. I think people i know read it. I know some did but am not sure if they still do and i just cant bring it up. Except I just did. Pretty sneaky huh.

I just edited a post for the first time - days after it was up. I dont want this to be something i have to worry about. What i mostly do is worry about hurting someone elses feelings to i edit out a lot and write knowing that someone will read so I have to.....

whatever, started thinking ahead and lost my train of thought. I hate it when bloggers delete their blogs. I hope they are just down and not GONE. I cant imagine erasing everything or even anything here. I guess that is what "save as draft" is for.

OK, the thought of completely giving up on this of course makes me think of Misha and I feel its a dishonor to her memory to stop writing. I dont care if was "only" a dog. She was so much more to me than that. She always made me smile or go crazy. Its really stupid to equate writing anything to her but this thing is named after her...so like you see, right?

Also just bought a mini notebook to keep in my purse. Its great! I can write whenever but i hate that its on paper. Sorry bout that - really didnt want you to find it. I guess I am just way sad right now and will come back when i have something happy to say. So its not really bye, just see you later. But damn if that isnt negative thinking. I am dying for a cigg. Just popped in my first "Commit" lozenge. Well not my all time first but my first in my quest to really quit. They taste nasty. Kinda like a cigg, a minty, slimy, one with a ton of saliva. Have had enough of this. It is leaving my mouth now. My throat hurts - odd.

Yeah, so I try to write, but only nonsense comes out. Sorry. Going under the radar.