I need a new name

I need a new name. One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you.
I need a new name. One that won't get me high. One that won't let me down.
Only one that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you.

OK Huey, I will wipe the cheese off now. I seem to be covered in it.

Misha is gone. She has been gone for quite some time now. Though I still love looking at pictures of her, I think it is time to change the name of this thing. It is way too cutsie. That’s not how I like to represent my self. Maybe:
Bondage Chick or:
Head. Spinning. In. Clouds.
Both of these are more descriptive and I like them better. Especially the second one.
I also can't go around signing my name as Mish anymore. Not quite ready to use my real name, but I am too mature to go by a deceased dog’s name, no matter how much I love her, I am not her. I could use an old stripper name, but that is also in the past. So I don’t really think it is healthy to by her name. It was fun for a while, but now it just feels weird. Wow – I need a new name in more than one sense. Didn’t really think of that.


I want a glamorous name, but one that sounds like an alias – I don’t want to be too phony now.
Marilyn?
Ginger? I have a dog named Ginger, but am trying to find her a new home, but I really like her name. Definite possibility.
Anne? My middle name, so not really cheating here – I wanted to go by it when I moved away, but the only other person who knew me refused. Bummer!
Anyone out there who might have read anything here – have any suggestions? Don’t hold back, I kinda get a kick out of assholes (the commenting kind).


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Wedding Dress

Here I have pictures of my wedding dresses. This one will be worn at the reception. It looks MUCH better in real life. My mom liked this one.

This one will be worn at the ocean side ceremony. This one is the dress of my dreams.

Thanks to my wonderful mother, I got to have my cake and eat it too!

I am getting excited all over again!!

New date is 11/21/04.

Mark you calenders and crash the party for some free drinks!



"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Yeah, "Interesting" things always happen to Others

It's funny, I spent many hours thing what I would call this post and could come up w/ nothing that seemed meaningful enough, respectful enough, or deep enough. Then I realized, I am a sarcastic bitch, and that's what gets me through life. I can be irreverent, however inappropriate. It is my right. I just figured this out right now, as I sat down to write. The title just poured out of my fingers - it felt like I couldn't think right w/o typing or writing. That the main thing here - I try not to "prethink" things. As I think them, I write them. OK - I usually have a topic in mind, but today, I obviously don't know where to begin.

I am not sure, but I might have mentioned my suicidal thoughts here before (or maybe not for insurance purposes ;-\). I figured that when I couldn't stand my own head anymore I could rent a car (I like mine way tooo much) and just drive off any bridge - most likely the one over the Miami River right before you get onto 95 south from 836). Now that I have seen what it does to a family (not mine thankfully)hopefully those little demons will leave my mind for a long time. Every time I veered of the road at 90mph headed for that guardrail, I thought of my very loving parents (I am an only child and that carries a lot of guilt - at least for me - can't speak for all here- hate it when people do that), my very loving fiance who just unexpectedly lost his 54 yr old mom, my husky Jackson, rat terrier Papo(or fat terrier as I prefer b/c he really is mutt), little cute mutt Ginger (short and long - no clue as to breeding- but up for adoption {please contact me if interested - she comes w/ a lifetime return policy}; I found her abandoned or lost at the dog park and thought I would be able to find here a new home or preferably her old home right away, but 4 months later, still no luck) and last but not least my kitties - beautiful little "whitey" - real name Suzy, and giant Cosmo. I cant' leave all these souls w/o a mother, daughter, or fiance. The pain in my head is nothing compared to the collective pain of everyone who loves me should I die. This is the first time I have thought/written in depth about my own death w/o being in the mood to advance it. It takes a shock to bring you back to normal sometimes. It kinda looks like I am trying to find the silver lining to this cloud - this affected me more than I thought.

Last night my neighbor blew his brains out in the middle of the street w/ a sawed off shotgun. I avoided all bystander curiosity and never took a look at him b/c I knew it would be haunting (hello tears). I didn't know him, which makes it better for me, but also makes me feel really bad that I didn't know someone who lived right across the street and needed help that I might have been able to offer in some small way. He was the only thing I could see out of my bedroom window. Less than 10 feet off my property line he lay there for 5 hours until the firemen came and hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer. Right after the police left and the street was opened again, the cars w/ music blaring started up again. People where unknowingly walking their dogs right over the spot where someone lay dead for 5 hours. Really dead.
 
Unrecognizable.

A few minutes after the cops left they took down the crime scene tape from my driveway (please - I hope I never have to cross crime scene tape to go into my home) so I could park my car inside the gate and take it away from the "steal away spot" (Goodyear fucking sucks BTW), his family arrived. Luckily for them they arrived AFTER the firemen had hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer - I really hope they did a good job b/c I walk that way everyday. Until they arrived, I thought good, now the flashing lights are gone and I can finally get some sleep. But this was the hardest part of it all -they were 3 grown Hispanic men bawling harder than I have since Misha died. I have never heard a Hispanic man (especially an older one), sob like that. Poor me - I couldn't sleep all night - yeah poor fucking me. My life is great compared to maybe 60 percent of the population, my head is just fucked up and the meds (Welbutrin -at times I am that sad little blue bubble) aren't working that well lately but I am scared to change b/c of the withdrawal symptoms.

My dead neighbor had dogs, and one of them got out and lay down on the spot where his dad had been. That fucking broke my heart. I feel animals have pure souls yet are more intuitive than most humans can ever be- not always a popular opinion.
I have totally lost track of what I wanted to say and don't feel like rereading.

Summary:
Last night totally sucked.
Be careful what you wish for (something interesting to write about).
Never kill yourself while drunk or on some kind of drugs.
 
Suicide creates more problems than possibly imaginable for loved ones left behind - that's what always stops me.
     I am going to go buy him some flowers so that his family knows that someone out there is thinking of him - though I didn't know him. I hate that I don't know many of my neighbors. I helped organize crime watch parties for the sole intention of getting to know your neighbors (I guess in all fairness to my self he had just moved in a month ago - I did know the people who used to live there) and I was also on the board of the local homeowners assoc. to become more involved in neighborhood activities.

The police were so crass. To them it was just another day on the job. They were making plans for where they were going to have drinks once the paper work was done. But I guess you have to be that way if you see the same thing day after day after day. If not, you will probably go crazy. We all need coping strategies, unfortunately, I haven't found mine yet. On the other hand, they should be more sensitive to the neighbors. This is traumatic for us. We DON'T see this kind of thing every day. Blood and brains, not to mention a "body" aren't usually lying across the street. You can take things in stride w/o letting them affect you (they really have to), but you can still be more sensitive to others.

I Hope 2005 is a Better Year.
 
7/15/04
ps - I did know him, just didn't know where he lived.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Goin' Camin' NEKED!

HELLS YEAH!!

I am going Naked Camping w/ 2 of my dogs and fiance. I soo cant wait. And I am thinking of doing something I have never seen done in these pages of blogs i read - I just might post some photos of the trip. I figure, if I want to declare myself a nudist, then I must not just talk the talk - I also have to walk the walk - and in keeping w/ the brutal honesty theme I want here - show the walk.

Naked pictures - not sexual. Just a human. Without clothes. Pretty scandalous right? Bullshit. This is how I came into this world and I like to remain in that state as much as possible.

Warning - while I might be quite hot, I aint no magazine material. There wont be any airbrushing. I wont post one like from the trip last year which I title "Rolls with roll". I was sitting down, hunched over, and eating a honey bun. Honestly - I NEVER eat honey buns - it was just a stoner camping thing, but a horrible picture. UGH - I looked like I weighed 200lbs, which thankfully, I dont. But hunched over even Britney would look like she has a belly. I really wish I had her body, but exercise is part of her job - I have to do mine on the side.

I went on this trip last year. It was idyllic.

Well, i wanted to tell more, but time got the best of me.

its funny how when things go horribly wrong, they can turn out even better than imagined. I will record the facts later. Hopefully not much later.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

BLEAH

Its one of those days again. One of those days in which it just hurts to be alive and you wonder how much longer it will last. My computer is giving me shit at the worst fucking possible moment! Fuck you - you stupid god-dammed piece of shit box that I cant throw out a window b/c I don't have one in my office.

Good thing - one of my best friends is about to become a daddy!!! Yeah!!!!! I am soooo happy for you and your wife!!! Cant wait to see if I will be an honorary aunt to a feminist or a metro-sexual.

#1 New Rule of Life: End posts and everything in a happy way - no matter how hard it is. I don't really want a bullet in the head, no matter how tempting it seems most of the time. Eeech - I know that's really lame, but I promised myself a no holds barred diary. Tell all - even the self-absorbed bullshit things.

The babies are a coming....


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Big Ugly Bug Deserved to LIVE

Big Ugly Bug got killed. I am not too happy about that. Why cant people just relocate things they don't like? Why do they have to kill them? When Big Ugly Bug (who still has a right to life and choice) crawled out of the cranny he (?) had made his home, he was promptly squashed. I wasn't around to protect him.

I remember when I was a freshman in college, first one, not second one, I once killed an ant by burning it w/ a cigarette. I actually cried I felt so bad over the random act of meanness that somehow came out of me. I had never done anything like that before - and have never done anything like that again.

I read a story (b/c I get like every single action alert) about 2 guys (18 & 19) who tied a husky (my baby) to a tree and shot it w/ the SAME arrow about 30 times. One of the kids had a dad as a Mayor so they only got fines. I don't know whether to cry or throw things. They had to repeatedly pull it out of the poor dog and repeatedly shoot the arrow. Fucking assholes should rot in jail for the rest of their lives.
(I like my bad use of the word repeatedly :-) - had to do something to make myself smile.

My tag line has never seemed so appropriate.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Why So Sad/Mad/Angry?

I just came to the obvious realization that too many of my posts are a tad bit on the negative side because I write them after work, right before I go home. Yes, for most, going home is a happy time, but you see, I HATE my job (yes, yes - very negative) so at the end of a 12 hr work day I am seriously pissed off at all the bullshit I have had to deal with throughout the day.

I don't really think I get over it until I am at home w/ C and all my dogs (3) and cats (2). Puppy love really is the best. I just cracked a smile - my first since about 6pm when I was seriously considering setting up a tent out back and camping out at work tonight, and for the rest of this week to try and finish what people say NEEDS to be done tomorrow. I love people who live in dream land (imagine the sarcasm dripping there) - idiots - all of them.

Then my often wonderful mother said SHE would do the paperwork for the container shipment. Poor fool had NO idea what she was getting herself into. She finally gave up at one invoice and said she would do the other 20 or so (40' container full of zippers of almost endless widths, types, functions, and lengths) when ever she damn well got around to it. She's the Boss.

So here is to writing at the beginning of the day, before my spirit becomes broken and nothing but negativity and spew from my keyboard.

Cheers!

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."