Monday, April 05, 2004

Reply to an e-mail

Also, I will bet you money or zippers or whatever you want that you won't get married. Although, maybe your journal reflects the bad times, and not the good times. It's hard to truly get an idea of who someone is based on such a limited view into their life.


That I have not yet learned that brevity is the soul of wit is apparent.

Yeah – the marriage thing is weighing heavily on my mind. At times I want it and at times I don’t. When I think I don’t I wonder what I would do w/o C and then I remember that I was single for years and loved it. But one can't remain single for ever. Well some can, but I don’t want to. In all honesty, he is the most considerate, understanding, and loving person I have ever met. I am the kind of girl you hear about who is always attracted to guys that are bad for them and C seems like he is good for me. I know that our future will be fun. Thing is I don’t always know that. I am not too sure about the chemistry though, but I hear that fades after marriage and you need love and respect to make it work. It was there in the beginning but then it faded (the chemistry that is) but it could have faded b/c of the meds I am taking. We are both quite strange people and complement each other in many ways. But we are also both single children so we tend to act like siblings at times. We like many of the same things – camping in stupid weather, traversing open water ways in a 10’ inflatable w/ a 3hp engine, going on pointless drives down south to the farms, walking for hours through south beach w/o drinking a thing. He loves my menagerie of animals as much as I do; they are his as well, not just MINE. I also have 2 cats.

I made myself a rule that I would not live w/ anyone else unless we were engaged. C moved in before I was ready and then I was pushing for a proposal. I eventually got it and was quite happy. I don’t know - it could all just boil down to that I have a very thin skin when it comes to emotions.

The “Back from Brazil” post was written with such jet-lagged vengeance and venom and a large headache that I didn’t actually publish it for about a month after I wrote it. I knew that it was too dark, too mean, and too spiteful but I figured that if I took the time to write it, in that snapshot of time it was accurate, and should be recorded b/c that is what the blog is for. I know it is bad, and shows a bad side to things. I believe it shows some lack of compassion on my part for not giving C more slack and patience under the circumstances. It seems like you are my own personal blog at this point. Thanks for the ears. Please send a bill whenever you feel appropriate!

By the way, I am posting this as I feel it makes a good entry. All started because of sugar alcohols.

I really am COMPELLED to write when things suck. I wish I could write about the happy times but they aren’t things that I need to work out. I am on anti-depressants and have a feeling that they are numbing my emotions. I need to wean myself off of it, but last time I tried I really behaved like a raving lunatic at times. I rant but I don’t rave.

I used to religiously keep a diary when I was in junior high and high school and though I don’t remember being completely suicidal and depressed during that time, according to my writing I was.