Thursday, April 08, 2004

Another introspective e-mail

I have started an e-mail conversation w/ someone who I met though the comments at Tequila Mockingbird and they have been gracious enough to read this and give feedback. In my letters I find myself opening up and not bitching about every little thing in the world so I thought it would be cool to post yet another one. You know, this way I wont have to write twice.

Subject: RE: Why are sugar alcohols evil?


Uh huh, uh huh. Zippers are more important than me.

I see how it is.



Its not the zippers, it the MONEY!!!!

Yet another day in work hell – all spent fixing mistakes, none of them mine. I was in a huge funk until I figured out what had gone wrong and then I suddenly felt as if I had drank about 3 cups of coffee at once. I never realized it, but actually knowing what you are doing is a huge rush. When I saw where the glitch occurred (2 weeks ago while I was on funeral vacation) I was like “Yeah, I’m da man”.

I hate it when other people make mistakes, but I hate it more when I do. I yell at myself much more than I do at others. I actually don’t yell, but it is soooo weird being a boss like person when everyone else is older and w/ families and have worked here longer than me as well.

I have tomorrow off but will most likely come in anyway L.

Meds – I was on effexor but I HATED it. It completely killed my sex drive to the point that I had no interest even in masturbating. A doctor finally listened to me and switched me to Welbutrin which as far as I can tell has no significant side effects. Being on birth control tends to really alter ones mood so this might have something to do w/ it. I remember that I used to say that I was happier and skinnier when I was single and one day I realized that it was because I don’t use the pill when I am single. As I am quite prone to depression the pill probably affected me more than I realized. When I went to France, I forgot to take my pills (genius move I know) but after being off them for a week, I decided not to get back on. Hopefully this will make me happier (as long as I don’t get pregnant).

The switch was interesting though. Effexor doesn’t take the usual 2 weeks to kick in but Welbutrin does so there was about 2 weeks while I was taking low doses of each, but not really feeling the effects of either. In retrospect, I realize I was pretty “sensitive” about everything during those 2 weeks. At least I can laugh about it now.

While I didn’t actually try to commit suicide I did things that endangered my life like hanging upside down out of a 3rd story window by my legs – normally I wouldn’t even do that on monkey bars in a playground b/c I am such a scaredy cat.

I also quit my job, gave my car back to my parents and tried to walk home 10 miles.

C broke up w/ me for about a few hours and I thought it would be a good idea to try to hang myself by making a noose out of my huskies leash while it was attached to the dog – you know, a sled dog, the kind that pulls. Really hard. Obviously it was just a teeny cry for attention and C unhooked the dog for me when he came back to the parking lot.

That was also when I got in touch w/ the person who got me into the whole blog thing in the first place. I wasn’t too nice to her. I kinda want to apologize and explain the mental circumstances I was under, but it seems stupid for me to apologize when she is the one who slept w/ my boyfriend. What do you think?

About the depressing journal thing – I don’t like reading them. I like funny ones like Tequila Mockingbird and Dooce. I once read this blog where this girl was just whining about her exboyfriend and going on and on and on about how much better she would be this time around if he came back to her. This is what ALL of her posts were about. Or just observational ones. That is what I wanted to create, but I have created a depressing one. I have been thinking about making this one private and starting a new one reserved only for those happy times or when I notice something cool like what the hell do bunnies and colored eggs have to do w/ Jesus being crucified? I don’t get it. Bunnies don’t even lay eggs. I has to have some sort of historical significance – maybe one year I will look it up but for now I will just let it continue to bother me.

Whew – it’s a good thing I have autocorrect and can type fast.

I like writing to you. You read it and give honest feedback – what else could anyone want? I just hope you don’t laugh with your friends about this crazy girl who writes to you. But as they don’t know me, it wouldn’t really matter. Its funny, but I have severe problems w/ opening up to people, at least those I know. I can't even be completely honest with a therapist, for some reason I view it as a confrontation. I even became disillusioned w/ psychology after taking the therapist training class. It is all reflexive and mirroring talking. It is also much easier to write for me than to talk. I guess you have much more control when you write. You can always delete, but you can't delete what’s been heard.

I did realize that C and I were fighting a lot less this year. I wish I could delete some of the things I have heard from him and the visions of him saying them. Another problem of mine, I can forgive, but it is very hard for me to forget. I am trying to work on that, I guess that’s why I am thinking of apologizing to the girl who slept w/ boyfriend.

For over 10 years I had no interest in knowing about her and having her in my life, but after reading her and her husbands blogs I realize that they are both pretty cool people. She also just had a baby. But at the same time I think that she showed me her true colors back then, while she claims it was just a drunken mistake made while she was only a teen. I don’t know, I have never hurt anyone like that and don’t think I ever could, no matter how drunk I was. I guess that is what I should forgive and forget. Oh well………

What kind of books do you write? I read that you were writing one on your blog.

Once again, I wrote WAY more than I intended to.