Wednesday, August 16, 2006

not a happy camper (yeah what's new)

I started crying again. I used to cry daily - before and after "the event" - first time I have ever used a euphemism for killing myself - LOL. For many months, even though I have been feeling oh so low - so crying - just silent horror and self imposed alienation.
Today I suddenly broke down and for once could put a finger on why. I was so sad because I had not lived up to my parents wonderful expectations. I know they love me and want me to be happy, but i just cant help thinking what a disappointment i must be to them. They are the stars of our family and i am the complete and total beautiful, rich, smart black sheep. I have it all and I still suck and no one knows why.
On top of this I have been having dizzy spells where my extremities go numb and i get the wha-wha in my ears. The first time something similar happened the doctor said it was an anxiety attack and gave me anti-anxiety meds (the ones I tried to do myself off with - hey euphemism again!) but the last few times it has happened 4 times the normal dosage didn't help, but it didn't make me sleepy either so maybe it is just anxiety.

How I wish, how i wish i were normal - but then again normal people are boring.

now YOUR turn - comment - though i understand if you have nothing to say - lord knows i wouldn't