Hey Look - I lost all self respect :)

After I got the idea in my head, I didn't think it would take much time. These were taken of me while I was DEAD asleep. My husband had fun positioning my body and taking what looks like some morgue shots.

Dont worry. It end with some really nice, if a bit racy, shots of me.






















now YOUR turn - comment - send me nice complements about my pictures, or tell me I suck, or tell me how i can improve. But I just realized that as I am the subject of all these pics I did not take them. Husband did - so you don't have to say a word!

(sheepish grin) feeling better

Ok. Sorry for letting you into the turmoil of my mind when the meds haven't kicked in yet. Leaving it there, because, though its not god, it is a part of me, and I gotta learn to love me.




i made that necklace.... If you want one - 6' long, Swarovski crystal, liquid silver, magnetic clasp, any color, multiple colors: for you - $100


not feeling so blue anymore





my world is better now. Just a temporary freakout. Still thinking about deleting that last post because I still i haven't read it(frankly, am quite scared to) and really don't know if it makes any sense. It just happened to be one of the few times that I let myself go (this time in public??) so I went with it. Really trying to look on the brighter side of things now.







And I need to drum it into my thick head that each new day is an opportunity for good. Not for feeling like poo-poo. Each new day is a new opportunity. I have to stop feeling guilty for wasting them and just get over this whole thing and start to grab those possibilities that tomorrow, or today - but lets just focus on tomorrow so the last picture fits in better, has to offer. One of the few sunrises I see, but as i go to bed later and later I do see more and more - have tons to choose from- it will be hard, but here goes.


I hope to look like this w/in an hour or two!


There are a whole series of these that my husband took while i was DEAD asleep. Maybe one day, if I lose all self respect, I will post them. They are damn funny, but I look like hell. I think it was because I was awake to take this.


It kills me how I can be so damn depressed w/ a view like that. But we all know, money cant buy you happiness, but lack of it can sure as hell keep it away in a bad situation.


now YOUR turn - comment

dreams

I usually dont have them. Almost never. Recently though, every once in a while I get one. They are usually disturbing and somewhat vivid - they can affect my mood for hours, perhaps because i allow it. The one I had last night was so inextrictably linked to MY LIFE, it was almost scary. I guess (well know) that I have shut myself alway, emotionally and psycically. I try to keep my mind active - sodoku, scrabble, reading voraciously. I try to excersize - go to a class here and there but usually just do it in my apartment. I still love the ocean, but have only been in once this summer though i visit it once a week and walk the dogs on the beach nightly. Such a difference from last summer when i used to swim for a half hour a day though and then read for about an hour under the umbrella with my apple in my ice water. Its so fustrating. I enjoy it. I KNOW i do, yet I am (because I cant think of another emotion that feels like it) scared to go out. I even get nervous before I walk the dogs, and I LIVe walking the dogs. Right now Iam crying so hard my eyes are closed so very tightly. Its moments like this when I am very impressed w/ my typing skills. i can actually put down shit w/o having to EVER see it. Its jsut hurs so much being sdcared to go out. So fucking much. I have to overcome it. I have no choice, but i dont know how. I love my dogs.. I want to walk them 10 times a day and be happy each and every time I do it.

What am I doing w/ my life. Nothing. Letting it pass by while I sit in a fog hoping it would just hurry up and be done with. I cant do anything to advance it, but that does not mean I cant think about it and oh my god to I hthink about it. I know its not good. At all. I need to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I DONT KNOW.

in the dream a guy asked me what the hell i was doing on the boat. If i had any plans of getting off. I didnt. He then asked what kind of life I was expecting on the boat. I told him i didnt care. it didnt matter. just something different. he told me there was no getting off and i had to make up my mind there. thats all i remember after waking up.

now to publish w/o spell check to wow (or make me look like an idiot) w/ my typing while crying w/ eyes tightly closed skillz.

OK - Dream - Someone asked me what I was going to w/ the rest of my life, just hide on the cruise boat, that I somehow got on mistakenly and was not able to tell any of my friends about. Strange things happened there. Very strange. Images flashing around that have more relation to my life than any other dream i have EVER had.






now YOUR turn - comment

yet another meme - but happy - makes me think abut things i love

This feels like its going to be hard but that's why I wanted to do it:

Freckle Face Girl tagged me with it because I asked.. I have always wanted to be tagged - so thanks sweet girl.

Start 10 sentences with the word, I LOVE...


1. I love...My husband I think... He is good to me and understanding. I think I have a mental block about it. But he is without a doubt my best friend and companion. He is also very forgiving. We have a lot more in common than we ever thought once I confessed my sins to him.

2. I love.... All my pets: in no particular order - ok lightest to darkest: Suzi (Whitey) is all white except for 2 grey spots next to each of her ears. She has one blue eye and one green (which reminds of doggie Misha w/ one brown and one blue.
Papo - the growler and the leaner. Not a large dog - some sort of rat terrier or something mix. Jackson - my light blue eyed grey and white husky (I have to admit he is my fav, probably b/c he is soo aloof.


3. I love...the beach - infinite shades of blue in the ocean and sky and the rhythmic waves relax me in a wonderful way

4. I love...Camping - getting away from it all on an island that becomes all ours right before sunset - the dogs can run free w/o fear

5. I love...All other sorts of traveling - have to do it more!


6. I love...my new body - sounds vain but it worked hard on south beach diet and exercised. I weigh at 32 what I used to weigh at 21.

7. I love...driving over the MacArthur Causeway and seeing the crystal blue water, the cruise ships on the right, and the mansions on the left. (copied from Freckle Face Girl b/c I love it too)


8. I love...taking the bus down to south beach and walking around. The best part is the late night bus - the people on there are fucked up. We almost decided to skip our stop once because we were laughing so hard.


9. I love...Richmond, Virginia - have soooo many fond memories. It also has such lovely parks and a great museum

10. I love...that I ran out of loves so here are some more - the mountains, sunsets, sunrises, my wonderful parents, cashmere, ebay, blogs, marijuana, a good wind that is not a hurricane, lightening storms. Tis all I can think of for now.

I am going to tag TranceJen with this one. I think she might need it a bit more than me


now YOUR turn - comment

because I cant do the 100 thing - ANOTHER MEME

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
ON THE COMPUTER

2. Who will be your next kiss?
MY HUSBAND

3. What is the largest amount of money you spent in one store?
LIVING ROOM FURNITURE - 2300

4. Where did you go on your last date?
FLANNIGANS MOST LIKELY

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
I CANT REMEMBER -XMAS? I HATE MALLS, THEY GIVE ME HEADACHES

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
NOPE, FLIP-FLOPS AS I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR OVER A YEAR - I LOVE IT

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
MARCH - COUSINS WEDDING; BUT THEN I ALSO WENT CAMPING IN THE KEYS BUT DON'T REMEMBER WHICH CAME FIRST

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
NO

10. What are you wearing right now?
A 70'S STRIPED LOOSE SHIRT FROM OLD NAVY AND DISCOLORED SHORTS FROM OLD NAVY AND WHITE FLIP-FLOPS BUT EVERY THING IS TOO BIG ON ME

11. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN WASHING CARS - IT RAINS TOO MUCH HERE

12. Last fast food you ate?
ITS CHECKERS, BUT ANY OTHER DAY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WENDY'S

13. Where were you Friday night?
WITH FRIENDS

14. Have you bought any clothes in the last week?
YES

15. When is the last time you ran?
BAD KNEES SO DON'T SO THAT UNLESS IT IS COLD OR RAINING AND I HAVE TO WALK MY DOGS

16. WhatÂ’s the last sporting event you watched?
NOTHING WITH INTEREST

17. What is your favorite class?
ANTHROPOLOGY

18. Your dream vacation?
SOOOO MANY -THAILANDD, ALASKAN CRUISE, INDIA, CHINA (COUSIN LIVES THERE)

19. Last persons house you were in?
LINDA

20. How old are your parents?
MOM - 59; DAD - 62

21. Are you in love?
I THINK (REALLY DEPRESSED SO APATHETIC ABOUT MOST)

22. Do you miss anyone?
YES. DEAD PEOPLE AND FRIENDS I HAVE LOST TOUCH OF

23. Last play you saw?
A FEW YEARS AGO I WENT TO PLAY AT MCD

24. What are your plans for tonight?
SEX

25. Who is the last person you sent a message to on myspace?
DON'TT DO MYSPACE

26. Ever go to camp?
YES

27. Were/are you an honor roll student in school?
ALL AP AND HONORS CLASSES, BUT NEVER QUITE MADE THE HONOR ROLL

28. What do you want to know about the future?
WHEN A BAD HURRICANE IS GOING TO COME ON LAND IN COCONUT GROVE OR MIAMI BEACH

29. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
NO, BUT I WEAR LANCOME POEME

30. Are you hungry?
ODDLY NO B/C I HAVE MY PERIOD

31. Where is your best friend located?
DON'TT KNOW - HUSBAND IS ON HIS WAY HOME

32. Who is your best friend?
HUSBAND

33. Do you have a tan?
EXCEPT FOR A FEW RECENT SCARS I HAVE A GREAT TAN (CUBAN)

34. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
USED TO BE 27, BUT I AM 32 - I GUESS IN THE NEXT FEW YEARS.

35. Do you collect anything?
CUTE PIG TOYS

36. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
GOD - I THINK IT WAS WASHINGTON STATE IN 1997

37. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
NO, BUT I AM A STRAW FANATIC

38. How do you like your drinks?
ON THE ROCKS, DIRTY MARTINI,TEQUILAA BUT I LIKE THEM WELL MADE

39. Do you like hot sauce?
SIRACHA (RED BOTTLE, GREEN TOP IS THE BEST EVER!

40. Last time you took a shower?
2 DAYS AGO :(

41. Do you need to do laundry?
JUST FOLD AND IRON TONS

42. What is your heritage?
100% CUBAN

43. Are you someones best friend?
NY HUSBANDS

49. Are you rich?
FINACIALLY AND IN LOVE MY PARENTS ARE. I LIVE IN A RICH BLDG BUT AM POOR - PARENTS HELP ME OUT A LOT. SEVERE DEPRESSION MAKES IT HARD TO HOLD DOWN A JOB




Now YOUR turn - comment - and let me know if you use it

kinda lame yet funny meme

As any reader (some of the 5) will know, I am a sucker for memes - so here is one :) - much more fun if you do it yourself. Brings me back to grade school.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)

this is good - Katzie Collins

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)

Virginia Tiramisu (decent)

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)

M Po ( I like)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Purple Wolf

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Ann Coral Gables- technically; but could be Ann Miami which is much better

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME!!: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of your mom's maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in)

Poomiarmia - i dont quite like

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (your favorite color, favorite drink)

Purple Tequila

if you thief this lame meme let me know!

Now YOUR turn - comment

i hate it when that happens

As I was checking the temperature and retarded oven for my husbands baby - his pork loin roast, which is amazing, I saw one of the most beautiful and colorful sunsets in a while sadly I should probably thank that to the Everglades being on fire.

I was going to take a pic right after I checked on roast and show off some of Miami's beauty. But then I started to care for the roast too. He had entrusted his baby to me to take care of. There were juices all over the pan and the poor roast looked thirsty, almost imploring, so I had to moisturize it.

And by the time I was done, so was the sunset.




now YOUR turn - comment

not a happy camper (yeah what's new)

I started crying again. I used to cry daily - before and after "the event" - first time I have ever used a euphemism for killing myself - LOL. For many months, even though I have been feeling oh so low - so crying - just silent horror and self imposed alienation.
Today I suddenly broke down and for once could put a finger on why. I was so sad because I had not lived up to my parents wonderful expectations. I know they love me and want me to be happy, but i just cant help thinking what a disappointment i must be to them. They are the stars of our family and i am the complete and total beautiful, rich, smart black sheep. I have it all and I still suck and no one knows why.
On top of this I have been having dizzy spells where my extremities go numb and i get the wha-wha in my ears. The first time something similar happened the doctor said it was an anxiety attack and gave me anti-anxiety meds (the ones I tried to do myself off with - hey euphemism again!) but the last few times it has happened 4 times the normal dosage didn't help, but it didn't make me sleepy either so maybe it is just anxiety.

How I wish, how i wish i were normal - but then again normal people are boring.



now YOUR turn - comment - though i understand if you have nothing to say - lord knows i wouldn't

onions are REALLY good for you

I just (well bout 2 weeks ago) got the most horrible rope burn from an Aspen Pet retractable leash. Everything else Aspen Pet sells is wonderful, but someone actually lost 2 fingers from this leash. I wont sue them, but will see if there is a class action I can join in on.

OK, this rope burn wraps around half of my mid thigh. Its going to turn out looking like a manatee scar just like the other one I have on my upper thigh.... I want to do everything I can to prevent this because, now I don't mean to brag, but I had a fucking kick ass tan and skin until this fugly, painful slashing. So I got me some mederma, for about $20 bucks a tube. Not cheap, but considering that it might help get rid of a lifetime scar (that robe burn went DEEP) it seemed worth the price. But once home I discovered that the main active ingredient in ONION BULB ROOT/ AKA: ALLIUM. So I google it, and here is what I found.

So I can return the expensive mederma, and just rub the root of a scallion (I really love onions) on the scar. I just think that is so cool.

Maserati update: just got off the phone with my father and though my mother refuses to discuss it, he said he is still thinking about it - he has not given up - yay! Their first car was a light blue VW that they brought to Europe and back when my dad was in the service. They toured through all of Europe with it, so I can only imagine that its got good memories, unless their roadtrips are like some of ours - and they didn't smoke pot to chill out.. Well, the car was named after my mom - she is kinda narcissistic so she loved it. I suggested my dad talk to her about a light blue one and name it after her again - TOTALLY moving on up kinda shit. Remember, both my parents are immigrants and arrived in the united states with absolutely NOTHING, so I gotta be proud. Not bragging, just so damn proud. I guess you can tell I'm not rich when I talk about returning a $20 salve and getting a $0.99 green onion to replace it!


now YOUR turn - comment!

meme (+ posting record for me!)

For some reason I love these. Been working on the 100 list but hey...

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? NO!

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? NEVER

3. When's the last time you've been sledding? hmm.. let's see - IN RICHMOND,VA VERY DRUNK WITH MY DOG MISHA - SHE WOULD RUN NEXT TO THE INNERTUBE BARKING AT YOU AND WHEN I WOULD COLLAPSE AT BOTTOM OF THE STEEP HILL SHE WOULD LICK MY FACE - WAS ROUND 1998/9

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? VARIES - BUT USUALLY WITH SOMEONE ELSE (HUSBAND); HATE SLEEPING ALONE THOUGH - THING DOGS AND CATS COUNT AS SOMEONE ELSE

5. Do you believe in ghosts? KINDA; I WANT TO, BUT TILL I SEE ONE FOR MYSELF CANT REALLY 100% BELIEVE

6. Do you consider yourself creative? EXTREMELY BUT I AM IN A HORRIBLE FUNK NOW - MY HAPPIEST TIMES WERE IN ART SCHOOL AND CANT WAIT TO GO BACK!

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? Of course not. He was found INNOCENT (oh please tell me you can read the sarcasm I'm dripping here....) (OK THAT WAS ORIGINAL ANSWER FROM THE MEME BUT I CANT SAY IT BETTER)

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? SO HARD TO CHOOSE BECAUSE IT IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT ISSUE IN TODAY'S SOCIETY. ANISTON IS STARTING TO BUG ME THOUGH AT FIRST I WAS WITH HER - ALWAYS SYMPATHIZE WITH THE JILTED ONE; BUT COME ON - ITS ANGELINA - I WOULD PROBABLY DUMP MY HUSBAND FOR HER AND HE WOULD UNDERSTAND.

9. Do you stay friends with your exes? SOME - BUT HAVE LOST TRACK OF SOME I WISH I HAD NOT

10. Do you know how to play poker? YES, BUT I AM ALWAYS SCARED AT FIRST - BUT I SEEM TO BE GOOD AT IT

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? NOT WITHOUT THE HELP OF DRUGS USUALLY, EXCEPT FOR THE TIME I WAS IN THE MENTAL WARD; DECIDED READING BEAT THE HELL OUT OF SLEEPING

12. What's your favorite commercial? THAT'S A HARD ONE...I THINK ITS "HEAD-ON; APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE HEAD. HEAD-ON; APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE HEAD...ETC. ITS JUST SO BAD YET OBVIOUSLY MEMORABLE THAT I HAVE TO LOVE IT

13. What are you allergic to? USED TO BE EVERYTHING ALMOST; BUT NO KNOWN ALLERGIES NOW - BUT A TOUCH OF ASTHMA - WHEEZING LIKE A BITCH LAST NIGHT

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights? DEPENDS ON WHAT ROAD AND WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD AND MY LEVEL OF SOBRIETY

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? NO - AM VERY OPEN W/ HUSBAND

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Neither. DITTO

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Yeah!! It's fun!! DITTO

18. How often do you remember your dreams? I rarely remember my dreams. It has to be an extremely vivid dream in order for me to remember it though.. DITTO EXCEPT FOR THE PAST WEEK; HAVE BEEN REMEMBERING MORE THAN I HAVE IN MONTHS BUT FEW IF ANY ARE GOOD

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? I DON'T REMEMBER, BUT I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK IT WAS TOO LONG AGO. I CRY VERY EASILY..

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? COME TOGETHER, BACK IN THE USSR; BLACKBIRD; WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS; SEXY RITA, METER MAID (AND IN CASE AM WRONG ABOUT THE TITLE AN EASY BULLSHIT ONE) I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND. AM SO DISAPPOINTED AT MYSELF THAT I CANT JUST THINK OF 20 OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD

21. What's the one thing on your mind now? HOW LATE AM I GOING TO SLEEP; WHEN WILL I BECOME SLEEPY; WHEN WILL I GET READERS? WILL I GET READERS? WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER? HMMM, MAYBE THAT'S WHY I CANT SLEEP... THE -ONE- THING - NEVER ONE THING IN MY HEAD AT THE SAME TIME, UNLESS IT IS EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS, THEN THEY GET A VISE GRIP.

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is? NO, BUT I CAN IMAGINE IT

23. Do you always wear your seat belt? 90% OF THE TIME

24. What cell service do you use? CINGULAR/ ATT

25. Do you like sushi? I USED TO LOVE IT, BUT AM ON HIATUS RIGHT NOW

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? YES - WALKING UPSTAIRS WITH A LONG SCREWDRIVER AND TRIPPED ANT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. THE SCREWDRIVER LEFT A SCRATCH JUST NEXT TO MY EYE AND GOING AWAY. I REALIZED HOW EASILY I COULD HAVE DIED. OH, YEAH - I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE, HAVE TOTALLED 2/3 CARS, AND ALMOST FELL SIDEWAYS DOWN THE STAIRS DURING PILATES ON THURSDAY

27. What do you wear to bed? USED TO BE NOTHING, BUT NOW IS A 100% CASHMERE PANTS AND TOP

28. Been caught stealing? NO :)

29. What shoe size do you have? 7.5

30. Do you truly hate anyone? AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT, GUESS NOT B/C I WISH NO HARM ON THEM

31. Classic Rock or Rap? CLASSIC ROCK MOST DEF

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? JUST ONE? ANGELINA JOLIE AND (USED TO BE TOM CRUISE BUT ICH) JAKE GLYENHALL, YEAH WHATEVER ON SPELLING

33. Favorite Song? SO MANY - "COME TOGETHER -BEATLES" AND "MISTY MNTN HOP - ZEPPELIN" AND "BOBBY MG GEE - JOPLIN"

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? HELL YEAH - NAKED AND IN HEELS PROBABLY TOO

35. What food do you find disgusting? LIVER, FOIS GRASS, VEAL

36. Do you sing in the shower? YES - TRY ELLA, BUT I SUCK...

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"? NOT THAT I REMEMBER

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? NO

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? DON'T REMEMBER...

40. Have you ever been punched in the face? NO

OK!! Let me know if you thief it !!!



now YOUR turn - comment

getting back into this!

Posting that is - a few of you may have noticed that of recently I have like tripled my posting (BTW - love that commercial about "things like don't happen - they either do or they don't/ CRASH!)

I just finished reading an article in the Dec. 2005 issue of Playboy about Marilyn Monroe's death. It really made it seem more like a homicide than a suicide. They (whoever "they" is) are trying to exhume the body.

What struck home is that she OD'd on barbituates. I had just as many of those (maybe even more) lying around. Just thought the anti-anxiety would work better....

So again, I am alive because of a poor choice of drug use. Yay I guess.


now YOUR turn - comment!

TMI

Just now, tonight, while taking my nightly sleeping pills, I discovered something interesting and new. One (or perhaps just I) cannot fart and swallow at the same time. I had the nastiest tasting pills and water in my mouth when the mood to fart hit me - I couldn't swallow! Had to wait for fart.... How odd... Kinda reminds me of how pigeons always poop with one leg up - maybe they do it and then kinda lean to the side and poop away from the leg on the ground; that way they don't get poop on the ground leg. Ten years after observing that and I JUST found maybe a viable reason for it. Neat.

now YOUR turn - comment

crazy disappearing lake video

Via: VideoSift

Ahhh.... this might have done it

Via: VideoSift