SAD

I feel like I am going crazy. I hope writing about this will put and end to this bullshit. My grandfather is dying. He is 92 and has had the best old age of anyone I have met as of yet. But I still cant stop crying every time I think of him lying in a bed dying. My poor Dad has called him everyday for the past 30 years or so since he moved to Miami. He left on his 60th birthday to go to New York to visit his father on his death/hospice bed. God - I'm fucking bawling here. This is bullshit. I have to get some composure for the funeral. I didn't even know him that well. Saw him about once every other year at best. In the past 2 years I have seen him 3 times though. I guess I am crying b/c I feel guilty for being such a shitty granddaughter. That must be it - just started crying harder. This whole writing thing just isn't working for me today.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Vacation, Vacation, Vacation!!!

A few days after my b-day, Fi and I went on a tiny (in duration and size) cruise to Grand Bahama. If I don’t see another buffet for the next….week, I will be a very happy girl, as opposed to a very full, bloated, and lethargic girl.



We rented a scooter from a guy named “Doobie” who, when asked what the coolest local part of town was, answered “the ghetto, maan”. I don’t know if he was full of shit or what but I definitely got the impression that the natives resent the tourists and I can't say I blame them as I also live in a tourist destination and mock them every chance I get.



I first visited the island back around 1988 and OH MY GOD HAS IT CHANGED. One good thing about the island is the deliciously warm and simultaneously crystal clear waters. We found a beach without a single person and I got to topless for a while.



**Side note: it’s a great feeling – if you haven’t tried it you really should.**



While we were in the water we could see a HUGE thunderstorm brewing on the other side of the island. It might have had something to do w/ the alternating extremely warm and slightly chilly currents flowing past us. I’ve been to beaches hundreds of times and have never experienced such distinct currents before.



I love getting away from the main crowd – the last thing Fi and I wanted to do was spend our day off the ship with the rest of our “mates” on a crowded island. That one of the major reasons we work. We both think the same ways in the times that count – free times.



We did go the ghetto for lunch and were not at all disappointed. I had the best cracked conch ever, and he had a great lentil and dumping soup. I believe we also drank more on this vacation than we have in the past year combined (we prefer the Mary Jane).



Our cabin was very cool also. We upgraded to one at the very front of the ship and you could tell by the shape of the room – really dark wood walls, ceiling, and basically everything else except for a few pink wall. We had this huge wooden support beam (shaped like a decorative I-beam) in the center of the cabin and a King size bed in a separate room. For us, this is way swanky. The Ship’s TV had “ship view” which was basically our view. It took us an embarrassingly long time to figure that out.



My favorite part of the trip was the last night. We went to the front of the ship which also happened to be the darkest part of it and watched the most amazing lightning storm brewing over Miami. There were stretches that had 8 full seconds of lighting. We couldn’t see any arcs, only the clouds lighting up in a spectacular display by my god – Mother Nature.



Standing at the front of the ship (almost Titanic style) with all that wind and nature showing us her best was mesmerizing and the pinnacle of a pretty cool and much needed escape.




"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

To: Paul

Well, they say it's your birthday, well it's my birthday too!

And Isabella Rossellini.

Happy Birthday to us all!!

And today I step, or most likely fall, into the 3rd decade of my life.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Gave in to Curiosity

I thought I didn't care, but damn I'm curious. Do I have any lurkers? Now I will know. I finally installed a site meter. I think no one except for one person reads this, but now I will know. I hope it doesn't have a censoring effect. I really like being uncensored. I am a good girl w/ a devious side. One would never know by looking at me - oops except for that rather noticeable tattoo on my ankle. A part of me from when I was 100% funkadelic. Before real life began I had purple hair. Bright. Long. Despite this, people still saw through the weirdness and saw the good in me. I like those kind of people. I HATE the people who treat me differently after they find out what kind of car I drive, or that I am the bosses daughter. But I feel as if I got their card. I saw the true them, before they put on the mask of cordiality. I truly believe that how you treat "underlings" is the TRUE reflection of you.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Saturday Night at Work Being Naughty

I am at work late on a Saturday. I needed a break. What can I do now, that I cant do when there are others around?


Ahhhh.....I just had the most wonderful orgasm.

Thank you nature for giving women this gift of a whole body shuddering arriving in waves, moment of extreme pleasure.

Thank you again.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

I am going on a cruise dammit

I wrote a lot about this.

How I never plan things.

How when I do, horrible things happen.

I was supposed to go to Europe 9/11. You know what happend.

I was supposed to go to DC, Richmond, and a cute B&B in the Blue Ridge Mtns. My future mother in-law died just a few days after the trip was supposed to start.

Conclusion - I have planned a fun vacation - Everyone better watch their backs.

This is the Cliff Notes version of what I had originally written.

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Computer - You SUCK

I just wrote a shitload and when i hit post, my server went down. Great.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

I need a new name

I need a new name. One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you.
I need a new name. One that won't get me high. One that won't let me down.
Only one that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you.

OK Huey, I will wipe the cheese off now. I seem to be covered in it.

Misha is gone. She has been gone for quite some time now. Though I still love looking at pictures of her, I think it is time to change the name of this thing. It is way too cutsie. That’s not how I like to represent my self. Maybe:
Bondage Chick or:
Head. Spinning. In. Clouds.
Both of these are more descriptive and I like them better. Especially the second one.
I also can't go around signing my name as Mish anymore. Not quite ready to use my real name, but I am too mature to go by a deceased dog’s name, no matter how much I love her, I am not her. I could use an old stripper name, but that is also in the past. So I don’t really think it is healthy to by her name. It was fun for a while, but now it just feels weird. Wow – I need a new name in more than one sense. Didn’t really think of that.


I want a glamorous name, but one that sounds like an alias – I don’t want to be too phony now.
Marilyn?
Ginger? I have a dog named Ginger, but am trying to find her a new home, but I really like her name. Definite possibility.
Anne? My middle name, so not really cheating here – I wanted to go by it when I moved away, but the only other person who knew me refused. Bummer!
Anyone out there who might have read anything here – have any suggestions? Don’t hold back, I kinda get a kick out of assholes (the commenting kind).


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Wedding Dress

Here I have pictures of my wedding dresses. This one will be worn at the reception. It looks MUCH better in real life. My mom liked this one.

This one will be worn at the ocean side ceremony. This one is the dress of my dreams.

Thanks to my wonderful mother, I got to have my cake and eat it too!

I am getting excited all over again!!

New date is 11/21/04.

Mark you calenders and crash the party for some free drinks!



"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Yeah, "Interesting" things always happen to Others

It's funny, I spent many hours thing what I would call this post and could come up w/ nothing that seemed meaningful enough, respectful enough, or deep enough. Then I realized, I am a sarcastic bitch, and that's what gets me through life. I can be irreverent, however inappropriate. It is my right. I just figured this out right now, as I sat down to write. The title just poured out of my fingers - it felt like I couldn't think right w/o typing or writing. That the main thing here - I try not to "prethink" things. As I think them, I write them. OK - I usually have a topic in mind, but today, I obviously don't know where to begin.

I am not sure, but I might have mentioned my suicidal thoughts here before (or maybe not for insurance purposes ;-\). I figured that when I couldn't stand my own head anymore I could rent a car (I like mine way tooo much) and just drive off any bridge - most likely the one over the Miami River right before you get onto 95 south from 836). Now that I have seen what it does to a family (not mine thankfully)hopefully those little demons will leave my mind for a long time. Every time I veered of the road at 90mph headed for that guardrail, I thought of my very loving parents (I am an only child and that carries a lot of guilt - at least for me - can't speak for all here- hate it when people do that), my very loving fiance who just unexpectedly lost his 54 yr old mom, my husky Jackson, rat terrier Papo(or fat terrier as I prefer b/c he really is mutt), little cute mutt Ginger (short and long - no clue as to breeding- but up for adoption {please contact me if interested - she comes w/ a lifetime return policy}; I found her abandoned or lost at the dog park and thought I would be able to find here a new home or preferably her old home right away, but 4 months later, still no luck) and last but not least my kitties - beautiful little "whitey" - real name Suzy, and giant Cosmo. I cant' leave all these souls w/o a mother, daughter, or fiance. The pain in my head is nothing compared to the collective pain of everyone who loves me should I die. This is the first time I have thought/written in depth about my own death w/o being in the mood to advance it. It takes a shock to bring you back to normal sometimes. It kinda looks like I am trying to find the silver lining to this cloud - this affected me more than I thought.

Last night my neighbor blew his brains out in the middle of the street w/ a sawed off shotgun. I avoided all bystander curiosity and never took a look at him b/c I knew it would be haunting (hello tears). I didn't know him, which makes it better for me, but also makes me feel really bad that I didn't know someone who lived right across the street and needed help that I might have been able to offer in some small way. He was the only thing I could see out of my bedroom window. Less than 10 feet off my property line he lay there for 5 hours until the firemen came and hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer. Right after the police left and the street was opened again, the cars w/ music blaring started up again. People where unknowingly walking their dogs right over the spot where someone lay dead for 5 hours. Really dead.
 
Unrecognizable.

A few minutes after the cops left they took down the crime scene tape from my driveway (please - I hope I never have to cross crime scene tape to go into my home) so I could park my car inside the gate and take it away from the "steal away spot" (Goodyear fucking sucks BTW), his family arrived. Luckily for them they arrived AFTER the firemen had hosed his blood and brains into a storm sewer - I really hope they did a good job b/c I walk that way everyday. Until they arrived, I thought good, now the flashing lights are gone and I can finally get some sleep. But this was the hardest part of it all -they were 3 grown Hispanic men bawling harder than I have since Misha died. I have never heard a Hispanic man (especially an older one), sob like that. Poor me - I couldn't sleep all night - yeah poor fucking me. My life is great compared to maybe 60 percent of the population, my head is just fucked up and the meds (Welbutrin -at times I am that sad little blue bubble) aren't working that well lately but I am scared to change b/c of the withdrawal symptoms.

My dead neighbor had dogs, and one of them got out and lay down on the spot where his dad had been. That fucking broke my heart. I feel animals have pure souls yet are more intuitive than most humans can ever be- not always a popular opinion.
I have totally lost track of what I wanted to say and don't feel like rereading.

Summary:
Last night totally sucked.
Be careful what you wish for (something interesting to write about).
Never kill yourself while drunk or on some kind of drugs.
 
Suicide creates more problems than possibly imaginable for loved ones left behind - that's what always stops me.
     I am going to go buy him some flowers so that his family knows that someone out there is thinking of him - though I didn't know him. I hate that I don't know many of my neighbors. I helped organize crime watch parties for the sole intention of getting to know your neighbors (I guess in all fairness to my self he had just moved in a month ago - I did know the people who used to live there) and I was also on the board of the local homeowners assoc. to become more involved in neighborhood activities.

The police were so crass. To them it was just another day on the job. They were making plans for where they were going to have drinks once the paper work was done. But I guess you have to be that way if you see the same thing day after day after day. If not, you will probably go crazy. We all need coping strategies, unfortunately, I haven't found mine yet. On the other hand, they should be more sensitive to the neighbors. This is traumatic for us. We DON'T see this kind of thing every day. Blood and brains, not to mention a "body" aren't usually lying across the street. You can take things in stride w/o letting them affect you (they really have to), but you can still be more sensitive to others.

I Hope 2005 is a Better Year.
 
7/15/04
ps - I did know him, just didn't know where he lived.


"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."