Monday, December 04, 2006

what is it about mothers?

How can they get under your skin in just the perfect most painful way without even trying? After a 20 min call w/ my mom I have been crying for 1/2 hr. I just keep thinking that I should not be alive. My plans were thwarted, interrupted. I didn't want to be around to keep feeling like shit.

So I tried something new - cutting. Pretty sure most cutters don't start at 32, which leads me to believe that I am somewhat developmentally retarded. Didn't look for a razor. Just used a dirty chef knife. I couldn't cut myself. But I wanted to see my blood soooo badly - totally new feeling for me - I just started chopping. Still no blood. Just a swollen arm and neck. Why, why am I so damn stupid? I knew it was wrong, but I still did it. I know it carries a horrible stigma, but I still tried. I am vain - don't like scars - but still tried.

Boo-hoo me.

Sorry for the shit.

now YOUR turn - comment..... i understand that this is really difficult to leave a comment to w/o sounding trite, so dont feel guilty for keeping your silence. If you dont know, I am seeing a psychiatrist; in fact day after next. I dont feel I am recovering. Such the downward spiral.


I feel like such a childish idiot with a ton of welts on my arm that i might have to painfully explain. I cant believe it tried that. I have never understood "cutters" but damn I wanted to bleed and feel a different kind of pain - the kind that wont make me jump 25 floors, not that i ever think I could do it. Pills are more my things. Too bad I know which ones work now.... Its a power I should not have. I believe in the right to choose, whether you want to carry a child, or just choose not to continue living. Not many people agree w/ me on the latter. But its MY life. Why cant I do what I want to it? Guess I dont think victimless crimes should exist. Dont worry. Will be around for a while. Feels good to let it all out, even though I am scared that the few people who read will think me a gigantic freak. But they probably wont.