hanging my head in shame

I am watching Hannah Montana. (disclaimer - have only watched it twice before, but i must confess, i found it entertaining. dont understand why every one loves her so much though....

While I am confessing, lets see what other things i feel like putting out there.

if you dont know me, i am a complete slob.
i loved charmed and the gilmore girls
i am a sucker for romance novels - just kidding - i cant even deal w/ them for airplane reading
i watch wayyyy tooo much tv
i have a pastel house inside...
i really think i suck, which in itself really sucks. but at the same time, i know i am a good person???

damn, thats all i can think of. either i live a life i am proud of, or i dont want to divulge the really bad stuff :)

turkey day

this was going to be my first one alone. yeah, i could call people - but i am one damn stubborn lady. I once got fired from a pizza place b/c i did not know how to ask for help. Mmm, will eat that pizza soon! It's Bottoms Up in RVA. Hell, even if it was just me and my ex, it felt alone. But this was going to be my very first one alone. I figured hell, I have wanted the world to leave me alone, and i guess i got what i wanted. Well to be fair, not really. Its all a result of poor planning. Was going to spend tonight at a potluck dinner in Brunswick, GA at The Hostel in the Forest. poor planning ruined it all. They dont allow dogs and I could not find a boarder that was open on thursday. So i just decided to stay put...wait for the sadness to pass....drink and take anti-anxiety stuff...to forget that even though i have a giant family and invites (but these were from friends i sleep with) that i kinda decided, by not making a decision, to spend today, like most other days, alone. Then my Jay called. He is a truck driver so i thought he would be alone today also. But no - he is in miami! And invited me to kenny's thanksgiving! I went to nursery school w/ Jay and Kenny so I really feel like they are family. This is going to be fun and different. Kennys (ha-ha little no more) sister will be there with her long time husband aka high school boyfriend and their toddler daughter. I get to spend it w/ family that I feel are mine, but a different kind. There is no doubt that any of them would not be invited to our turkey day it it was here...

sigh...there are pretty fall leaves to be seen and am just loving the incredible weather here. Like wonderful beach weather. Makes it too easy to forget what i am missing. Thank you so much Jay for calling, and thank you me for answering. And thank you Kenny for having me. You guys rock so damn much!!!!!!!!!

So i guess Happy Thanksgiving Day to all!!!

mothers

no one can tear you down and make you feel suicidal like your mother. Or maybe just mine. Is it me, or does it seem like driving the mnts till i hit snow and then visiting friends around the east for 6 weeks such a horrible idea? True, I have been in a deep depression for years...and some sort or another kind of depression since I was 13. So I am kinda used to it. But it has never been this bad. I just think this trip will be wonderful for me. But my mom is flipping out over how irresponsible it is. I have been unemployed (except for a few brief stints) sine june 3, 2004, the day i really tried to kill myself. Why is another 6 weeks of being irresponsible such a horrible thing. Yeah, its selfish, but i kinda think its my life. they have done a lot for me, but buying me a house was just to bribe me to return to miami. She actually told me that because of all she has done for me, its not my life. So I told her to sell the townhouse. I want to own as little as possible. As Janis Joplin said, being free means having nothing to lose. I love the idea of just having me and my dog, on the road. Then the thing w/ the tour and bus in the summer/fall. I will move after that, so she can sell the townhouse before I leave. God, I hate to ask, but I always expected the value of the townhouse would be mine... maybe i could ask for the difference in depreciation? I know she does not want me to live in poverty... I am giving her ALL my real jewelry, whether she gave it to me or not, under the partial guise that i dont want to be in a position to sell it. We dont that in MY family. And I am enough of a disappointment. Jewelry thing is part of owning nothing. Who needs jewelry when you want to be a nomad? I love the townhouse, but i hate the city - any city. I have decided i want/need to live in a cool small hippie mountain town. I cant imagine it would be that bad. Its so cheap, any job could pay the bills...except those credit card ones. God I want to get better, and the blue ridge always makes me feel sooooooo good!!!! Why cant she understand that...she hates nature, so i guess she never will.

about last post and comment

who ever you are, i loved your thoughtful insightful comment. I have a feeling you met on TravBuddy - are you one of my friends? Damn, I have been drinking too much though tonight is the first night since sunday that i have drank...i hate hangovers, and had one monday, that i dont even remember writing it. But i still stand by it. I believe I have written about survival of the fittest before. Something that you wrote, about everyone wearing helmets, made me realize that if everyone wore helmets, no matter what a good idea i think they are, we might just have a very boring society.

I refuse to wear a bicycle helmet because i love the feel of wind through my hair. I suppose this directly transfers to a motorcycle. The people that take chances are the ones who change the world - in my humble opinion. I can only imagine that a society of conformists would be like the middle ages. I get quite cynical. I have a few good friends that would never dream of riding w/o a helmet so thats how I feel. I have been on a moped many times w/o a helmet though - got a ticket for it once - in SPAIN. I think thats the right color for it.

I suppose mating w/ my ex-husband (a)because we were so much alike, (b) because we did not have a balance, (c) because we did not get along, would have been a disaster. I would have found my self a single mom, although w/ i am sure a supportive father. watching tv-jon stewart...lost train of thought... but someone just said that Gen. Patreus thinks Jon Stuart is a pussy. LOL over and over and over again... being drunk and talking(writing) to yourself is fun :)

I guess i felt compelled to write because i have always equated survival of the fittest (in which i I completely related to this)to being wearing helmets. But god, how damn boring would it be if nobody ever took risks. One could take my point and expand on it to say that we should eliminate swings, because they too, can be dangerous. That thought makes me damn nauseous.

Person who has been commenting, send me your email - would love to talk to a Canadian - or anybody - who loves dogs :)

survival of the fittest

just heard on the news that a pedestrian was killed while crossing I-95. Obviously this person would not have contributed much to our gene pool. How bout that - i can be a total bitch!

Kinda think the same about motorcycle riders who choose not to wear helmets and oh so many other people. Hell, I am not even sure I am "fit" enough "mentally" to responsibly reproduce. LOL - kinda...

watching MI 2

back when i though tom cruise was still hot. and i still do in this movie. so sad that after my everlasting lust for him since Top Gun that he has become so damn Micheal jackson like. Also, at least in one shot - his eyes were the exact same color as mine! I always loved his eyes. Nice.

breaking up

its hard. I am not used to be being broken up w/. And i really hate breaking up w/ people. I always feel it should be mutual. Like they should understand why it cant work between us. The last 2 that broke up w/ me were so cold. Just said it and that was it. No more communication. Ever. So harsh. Wish i got over it sooner. Cuz i guess i am pretty much over it now i guess. just wondering how people can change their minds so quickly or why they dont talk about things till its too late. The 2 that broke up w/ me were long distance so thats why it surprised me how much it hurt. I dont know... I have learned that breakups dont need to be mutual. You dont have to have painful conversation about it. You can just send a 2 sentence email starting w/ i am sorry and ending its for the best. And that was the nicer break up. I got maybe 2 more of those in response to my 50+ emails. The other one was over the phone. Left a message saying call me tonight or i will hunt you down and kill you. You know, cuz i am really the murderous type. He freaked, got mean on the phone and I said bye. The End.?? I just dont think its normal/nice to treat people that way. But maybe it is better just to make a clean cut. But i would always try to talk to people and be as nice as possible when breaking up. Its odd that i am writing about it now because I dont really think my heart hurts anymore. Sadly kinda still want to be friends w/ one. Ok, embarassing. He was Shaun, my international internet boyfriend who lived in Australia. We planned on traveling to India together. I had considered new zealand and a possible move if we got along during our six weeks together. Then i got the 2 sentence sorry a week before i was to meet him in india. Right after I had started getting really excited to meet him. Before I had some doubts. From his pictures he didnt look my type. But what he wrote, and what he said, and how sweet he seemed and what we discussed all was totally my type. Oh and no matter what he was sexy as hell. I just wish more people were like me. Give things a try. Help the other person out with it. It might draw it out and make it more painful but i think its best for a healthy resolution on both sides. I go by, do unto others and you would have them do unto you. If only it would work the other way around. I also started a very personal blog and am writing there a lot and dont really remember where i posted what so thats why stuff might not make sense. as if it ever does LOL.... got distracted but am in a pretty good mood. bye!

and november starts with a bang!

With my car door to me cheekbone. I instantly wanted to write about it, but thankfully had enough foresight to first make an icepack for the left side of my face. Based on the changes in only the last 15 min, this is going to be the best bruise on my face ever! Just in time for vacation and to see all my friends. At least they love me for whats on the inside : )

and hour and a half later... its amazing what ice does (1) my face is dumb so it doesnt hurt anymore - when it first happened i thought from the sound and dizziness that i broke/fractured my cheekbone, eventually i realized that i would probably need a bit more than a small puncture w/ almost no blood for that to happen (2) the swelling has gone down so much and i put the ice pack on about 10 min after the "incident".

Sadly, the bruising has just gotten worse...think i will take a few extra iron supplements. Since i have started writing and removed the ice pack my face has started hurting again - boo! When making an ice pack a zip lock bag is a much better idea than an open sandwich bag, but thats all I have. A paper towel wrapping also works better than a towel wrapper. Leave lots of air in the bag so it is easier to contour. A hairband will work on sandwich baggies if you dont have a ziplock but it will still leak a bit...

Cant wait to see the leaves and do some hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains!!!! If only it didnt involve telling my mom to fuck off.

i am a trekkie

how do i know this? Because I stay up till 6am to watch it. Sad I know. But the original Star Trek is a really good show.