Friday, November 03, 2006

drunken post

I am pretty. My parents have money that they are willing to share with me. I have a husband that I really believe loves me. I have 4 pets that I really love. Despite all this, I often feel wrong about that thing went wrong that June 2. I made a choice. I wanted to leave this life but next thing I knew I awoke in a hospital. For abortion I am pro-choice; why is it illegal to be pro-choice for my own life? No one has bothered to explain that to me. Its just the law. End of story. Maybe I didn't want it to end. I answered the phone, which I never do, and I confessed what I had done. Though I don't really remember it, I guess the more fucked up you are the more honest you are, so I guess I changed my mind right before I thought it would be over. I remember falling over everything. Crawling around the floor b/c I could not walk. Crying a lot. Saying bye. But my "suicide letter" was more like a journal entry and stream of thought more than anything - kinda a confession that my husband never should have read.

A cousin of my cousins' just died. He was just 2 months over 30.... If we had kept in touch we would have been good friends. He also sold "things" in high school. I have never seen such a standing room only funeral. I had never been to a funeral of someone who was younger than me. I felt really bad because I was crying more than anyone there. The families did not get along. I never knew he was in the hospital. His father found out he was in the hospital because my almost cousins' GF called his mother in Venezuela, who in turn called her sister in Miami, who in turn called the dying mans' father.

They had not been speaking for a while. My cousin left his wife and child for his secretary and she would not let him be w/ his family unless they excluded his ex-wife from the family. As far as I know, she did nothing wrong and is a sweet, wonderful person. But no one ever knows the whole story. Right before he died, he made up w/ his father. He actually asked the doctors to help him up so he could hug this father like a real man. I am oh so happy that happened. Thank god they got to reconcile - so many don't. At the funeral all I could think of, this could so easily be me and my parents could be in this pain. I never want them to go there. They don't deserve it. No one does, but they are really good people.

Normally I hate the plastic enclosed cards that are presented at funerals (is this a Hispanic tradition, or American also?) but I liked his. It was not a psalm which I think are useless. Here it is - for my cousins' cousin. The first child in our family to die. It so easily could have been me. I have always thought myself the black sheep, but he really was. No he is dead so no bad can be said about him, so I am the black sheep again. Oh, well. Maybe not. My very wonderful and loving cousin married someone who most everyone hates and moved to china - maybe he be black sheep now....

The plastic covered card:

In Loving Memory of

Pedro Hernandez (Jr. cuz he was but it wasn't on the laminated thingy - imagine being a father and seeing your name on your sons funeral "cards" - horrible I think.

July 31, 1976
October 14, 2006

God saw you were getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you
and whispered "Come to me".

With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away.
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

As you know, I am not a fan of religion and only put this in memory of someone whose life, however misguided, was cut short.

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