Sunday, April 06, 2008

feeling fat...

So instead of going to haagen daaz at 2 in the morning for a chocolate shake, I went to wallgreens and got myself my first pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk in like 10 years. I figured it would work out better with portion control and all that. I forgot (or chose to ignore) that portion control simply does not mean Eat The Whole Damn Pint!!!

My first mistake - nuking it for 30 seconds to make it a bit more scoopable. A wee bit too much time and it kinda turned into a milkshake consistency. That is a HUGE weakness for me. So I gave myself a nice half cup portion, smushed it up so that it was milkshake consistency and promply devored while savoring every single cool chocolaty bite or slup. Thing is I didnt stop there. I ate the whole pint :(

So much for portion control...

Also walking down the beach yesterday people where looking at me. They tend to do that. For the first time in a long time I was wondering if they were looking at me b/c I am fat (damn PMS just kills me!) Then I got a date w/ a super hot lifeguard. You can saftely assume that made me feel Much Better.

I am even too scared to get on the scale.

Sigh... have also been having an anxiety attack for about 5 days now. My right leg is numbish from the inside and so is my right arm but in a lesser degree. This is a direct indication of MS (google it) I am always tired, but I think that is the anxiety - I hold my breath for a while w/o knowing A Lot. I also sigh w/o knowing it A Lot. Will go to doctor on monday and start working on this.

About a year ago I felt the same thing at a lesser degree and only in my leg but that was after exercise so they assumed it was a pinched nerve. But as part of his job he also had to tell me what else it could be - MS. Can you say BOO!!! He told me that if it didnt go away in a few days to see my regular doctor - couldnt drive that far that day so went to the ER which is on the island. It lasted 3 weeks and of course I never saw my regular doc. Will See Him This Monday - Tomorrow. Knowing is half the battle after all. I am way too scared of it being bad news - which is why I never went the first time. I cant even tell my parents b/c they have their own problems and are always worrying about me. Dont want to make them worry more.

Relating to my last post - I dont know if I clarified but the suicidal thoughts are more serious and the fantasies. As I found out, it tends to be a spur of the moment decision. There just came a time when I wanted to check out. But then I had to answer the stupid phone. Bah and Yay at the same time :]

Hey You! reading this - you must let me know what you think. A simple anonymous thumbs up or down would suffice but I love long comments. Please appease me. Come on - just do it!

Friday, April 04, 2008


just thinking about things.. If only I could remember them. On the phone w/ my mom while trying to write..not too easy.


Suicidal Thoughts vs. Suicidal Fantasies

Is there a difference? For me the thoughts are more non specific. I just want to die. The fantasies are more involved and might involve hurting others, which I feel bad for, because I hate to think of my self as a bad person. Sure I have made some selfish choices but they dont necessarily make me a bad person. The fantasies are more planned. I like my car so I want to rent one and drive off a bridge with that one. My mom presses a painful button and I picture her hearing a bang and seeing the inside of my car suddenly spattered in red. Yeah, real nice. Its like I am 13 all over again. I could do it in her car and REALLY piss her off. As if simply doing it in my car wouldnt make her go ballistic.

Stupid vs. Living Life On The Edge

I used to think that people who didnt wear helmet on motorcycles automatically put them on the low end of the "Survival of the Fittest" spectrum. But how boring would life be if Everyone rode a helmet. If no one was willing to take a chance to feel the wind blow through their hair. For that very reason I Never wore a bicycle helmet but Always wore a motorcycle helmet with leather pants and jacket. Not only did I look cooler, I was Safer. But was still willing to go 100 MPH on one...

Living vs. Non Living

At the moment I do not really feel as if I am living. Just kinda feel dead on the inside and am not really too keen on seeing other people. Thing is that when I do see other people I usually enjoy it for abuout 5 houors. Left the typos b/c when I saw them, I actually said out loud "wow - that's pretty interesting". I guess living would be painting my townhouse, cleaning up the weeds around it (not a bad idea for monday), volunteering with Shake a Leg (google it -way too lazy for links), getting a fucking job, even just going to the damn beach would be something rather than a big fat nothing. Getting out of bed before 1 might be nice. Going to bed before 4 w/o thinking it an accomplishment that it early would be nice. Writing more would be really nice. Stopping being such a fucking blog addict would be nice. I can spend 10 hours reading blogs and love finding good new ones and reading their archives. Doing that with Violent Acres and Pioneer Woman at the moment.
aside - google reader is awesome. I you RSS me (I think you can) you will know when I post so you dont have to keep checking. I am well aware that my writing efforts are erratic at best.
When on vacation I never hit internet cafes and check email or myspace or anything like that. Daily blog reading is my real life and I like to escape that on vacation. Will be leaving for about 3 weeks soon (god I feel like I just wrote this..) The first half visiting a friend in Kauai (google it) and the second half visiting a friend in San Fransisco. I would soooo live there if it wasnt so damn expensive. At the moment (and it has been a years long moment) I want to live in a small college town in Blue Ridge or Smokey or Appalachian Mnts. Or Bozeman. Someplace with beautiful views, incredible nature, and most of all, cool, laid back people. I need to explore my art. Yes I do. In the worst/best way possible.