Back from Brazil - Wedding Postponed

Postponed or called off? I don't honestly know. I was just kinda going w/ the flow before. We fought a lot but had already sent out the invites and booked EVERYTHING so I figured, I got my self into this mess and I should stick it out, behave like an adult, and commit as most other humans do. I am reaching 30 in a few months and was happy to be getting married before that milestone.

Do I want to get married, or do I want to marry Charlie? Which one is the stronger pull?
Right now none of them.
I see babies and I like them - I would be a great mother someday I like to believe.

His mom is in the hospital in Brazil. She had a tumor that ruptured an intestine and had to undergo emergency surgery to remove part of the damaged organ. She faces one or two more operations in the future - when? Don't know?

The future inlaws live in Brazil so that is where we went. To Rio de Janero. Fun right? NOT! I am always so uncomfortable around his father. It was better this time though, I didn't leave w/ him calling me a piece of shit. Things are looking up....

I got home from the airport around 5:30 this morning after arriving in one around 8:30 last night.

I didn't sleep one wink on the plane but did finally read "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou. Great book. It makes me sad that such a strong woman had to go through so much in her childhood, but that might be what made her such a strong woman. Not really, if the narrative is correct, she shows incredible strength all throughout her life. The kind you never know you have until you are forced to find it.

I also fought about 3 times w/ Charlie. We fight like children. I hit him, he hits me harder (or vice versa) and it escalates until one of us gets really pissed.

I have had so many moments w/ him when the only reason we stayed together is because I don't have the heart to kick him out and I refuse to move out of my home. He behaves so immaturely at times.

"Open your yapper and say something positive" that is treating me like I am a little dog the fucking asshole. He is always saying things like that. I fucking hate it.

I really feel like a disturbed person at the moment.

I want to get my thoughts down but I cut my finger and I have a horrible headache.