Back from Brazil - Wedding Postponed

Postponed or called off? I don't honestly know. I was just kinda going w/ the flow before. We fought a lot but had already sent out the invites and booked EVERYTHING so I figured, I got my self into this mess and I should stick it out, behave like an adult, and commit as most other humans do. I am reaching 30 in a few months and was happy to be getting married before that milestone.

Do I want to get married, or do I want to marry Charlie? Which one is the stronger pull?
Right now none of them.
I see babies and I like them - I would be a great mother someday I like to believe.

His mom is in the hospital in Brazil. She had a tumor that ruptured an intestine and had to undergo emergency surgery to remove part of the damaged organ. She faces one or two more operations in the future - when? Don't know?

The future inlaws live in Brazil so that is where we went. To Rio de Janero. Fun right? NOT! I am always so uncomfortable around his father. It was better this time though, I didn't leave w/ him calling me a piece of shit. Things are looking up....

I got home from the airport around 5:30 this morning after arriving in one around 8:30 last night.

I didn't sleep one wink on the plane but did finally read "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou. Great book. It makes me sad that such a strong woman had to go through so much in her childhood, but that might be what made her such a strong woman. Not really, if the narrative is correct, she shows incredible strength all throughout her life. The kind you never know you have until you are forced to find it.

I also fought about 3 times w/ Charlie. We fight like children. I hit him, he hits me harder (or vice versa) and it escalates until one of us gets really pissed.

I have had so many moments w/ him when the only reason we stayed together is because I don't have the heart to kick him out and I refuse to move out of my home. He behaves so immaturely at times.

"Open your yapper and say something positive" that is treating me like I am a little dog the fucking asshole. He is always saying things like that. I fucking hate it.

I really feel like a disturbed person at the moment.

I want to get my thoughts down but I cut my finger and I have a horrible headache.

Wedding Stress Sucks

Especially when FH does nothing to help and acts like an asshole at work. He tell me he doesn't like it when I say FUCK and then he tells me to FUCK OFF today.

FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

Yes, I am aware I have some issues and we have some problems.

I am just fucking pissed now, and it doesn't seem like all the Xanex in the would could help. I fell like putting on some high heels and having a dry dirty martini and being hit on - nah - I hate being hit on. I like picking my men.

I act like such a guy sometimes, and I feel like I am marrying this innocent who doesn't know enough. But he feel he does, and he is much more mature than the average 24 year old, but I guess not mature enough yet.

I will wait for him, like a fine wine - w/ cheese b/c that was just too cheesy!

I made myself smile - YEAH!!

I just read a post about annoymous blogs - a negative one.

Why? I want to put down my private thoughts w/o people linking them to the actual ME.

Of course I leave PLENTY of clues but you wont google my name and come up w/ this.

I have never felt so stressed in my life. Honestly, the only thing getting me through is that in March I will spend 1 1/2 weeks in AMSTERDAM, and some time in Paris (which I am not so secretly dreading) b/c everytime FH gets around French speakers its like he forgets that I know not a single fucking word of french except to say "Je ne parle pas Francais" - "I don't speak French"

Feeling for today: AAAHHHGGGGG KILL ME NOW, no wait till I get back from Europe.

And a veil costs like $200 for a $14 piece of fabric w/ some fucking edging that I cant get right!

So I am skipping out on social function w/ FH so he can go be an asshole to his secretary instead of his fiance.

Why marry if I am so pissed? It used to be really good. He is young and I hope he will mature QUICKLY. We both suck when we work too much which is always, but we rock when we are on vacation which is rare.

We are both active in our community - our first date was a city hall meeting to not shrink our dog park - where we smoked our first joint. We share a seat on our neighborhood homeowners association. We fight for trees together. He does need to catch up on the animal rights thing though. I hate veal and foi gras and he loves them - icky!

Enough negativity for today - sorry for anyone who happens to read this.

that's what I hate about writing in journals. I only write when I am really sad, so then I look back to things I wrote 10 years ago and all I see is a suicidal, miserable (over boys for gods sake!), hopeless teenager.

I though that w/ a blog I would also write when I was happy but the urge only strikes when I am sad. Self therapy I guess.

Cheers to me!