my garden

Mushroom - day one; it is right next to the angel trumpet tree.















Mushroom day 2

















View from front door looking right.
















View looking left, the angel trumpet tree is just to the left of the big tree. The blue thing are windchimes that sound like church bells - i will eventually suspend them in the middle of the tree (it has a hollow spot). I love them windchimes. The stairs lead to a balcony overlooking the street and garden.








An orchid and plant (red congo i think) in a bed of blue glass






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bougainvillea flowers
















cute green lizard
















bromiliad in the big tree that sheds all the leaves.






















Angel Trumpet flowers


















Angel Trumpet tree










My Blue Buddha next to a Bird of Paradise.
















The Norse God of Wind doorknocker
















LEAVES! They are the bane of my existence; they keep falling and falling and falling.








This fountain with a glass pebble base is my favorite feature. I love the sound of gently gurgling water.

this is Kiwi

now YOUR turn - comment

background

sob, sob

Today I had my mattress delivered. It has a foam top and totally rocks. Cant wait to try it out. My old, but still rather new mattress got destroyed when the roof sprung a leak/downpour/i dont know - wasnt there.
So I get to the house in the morning to let in the waiting delivery guys (i gave them a big tip for waiting) and the first thing i see is water all over the dining room floor. That damn AC froze and leaked everywhere. I ruined my brand new never lived in bamboo floors. Ruined. Before I moved in - boo! The ceiling is also pretty ruined. The townhouse was almost done and now it needs so much more work. BOO! I am consequently pretty bummed out today. After reading and laughing and about Dooce's relatively tame bathroom remodel I thought i would share my much more damaging sob story.




Here is a picture I am taking to 16 x 20 and putting in my dining room. I love it and it makes me smile. Taken in El Junque, Puerto Rico.

computer background

now tell me how awesome it is

wind

I love me some good stormy weather, but when i hear howling wind i get a little pit of anxiety in my stomach. Damn all those hurricanes, but tropical storms - they rock. Of course now that i am going to have a garden, that might change.

town house under construction

Hi!

its almost done! Here are some pics my boyfriend took today. When all is ready i will post more. too bad i don't have any before shots.


This is the beautiful light i have hanging over the spiral staircase. I have another one just outside my bedroom door. I cant tell you how much i love these lights.





tis the living room looking at the kitchen




this is the master bathroom sink area - they installed the sinks incorrectly - they are supposed to rest on top of the granite - boo!




this the master bedroom looking up at the loft





this is the loft/office




this is the front patio. my friend the landscape designer has designed a gorgeous garden for me.



This my kitchen from the living room. I really LOVE my kitchen :]




This is from the kitchen looking into the dining room

my parents are rich

which works out well for me. I am pretty dirt poor. Never quite recovered from an unfortunate incident a few years ago. If it wasnt for mom and dad i would most absolutely be homeless. I have thought that for so long but seeing it makes me wonder. I could be using them as a crutch...but i can see my self being evicted and living in a park or somewhere too embarrassed, ashamed, and mostly depressed to call anyone for help. Just accepting that as something else that I could not change. But thats bullshit. I need to change. I can change. I really must. I cant go on like this; living in a sort of limbo where only the days change. I need to jump up and wake up and take the reins back; pick them up off the floor where i dropped them.

But just musing... It feels so different, putting it all out there. I think it all the time but reading it really makes me realized how stupid it is...or not. I am unemployed and I need to get over my damn anxiety and get a stupid job. I used to love working, well at least the money :) Getting a job would do so much for me. I just need to overcome this giant pit of anxiety that evolves in my stomach each time I think of getting a job. AARRRGGGG!!!!! Its so ridiculous, but at the same time it is what it is.

This barely made sense to me. Goodnight

I'm naked and all you can see is my big pussy

@ the gifford lane art stroll

grace in small things

this has been going around and i am going to give it a try at least once a week (fingers crossed)


1 - when i cant sleep black label works quite well
2 - 30% of people did worse than me on the LSAT
3 - for a shedding monster, my dog is kinda on the small side
4 - I have a purple house!!!!
5 - my parents did not raise me to be a redneck

well most are kinda snarky but that seems to be my bright side.

um... hi

I have not posted for so long that i forgot my password. Lets just say I am a hell of a lot better. just gotta say that Prozac rocks. not much to write about. bored but happy i got access again! Yay!!

wow - it could be me

An excerpt from Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell:



Well not the stalker part but the girl part, down to the beachfront living.

"....watched her pace and cry and pull out her hair. She never sleeps at night, afraid of storms. She watched movies all night and into the morning. She watches movies when it rains, and if there's thunder, she turns the volume up hard, and when the sun is bright, she hides from it....
...She wants to be alone and is terrified of being alone. She dreads thunder and rain, dreads clear skies and sunlight, doesn't want to be anywhere anymore under any conditions whatsoever....She thinks nothing of it when he bays [in my case howls] as she drinks vodka [scotch] and takes pills and pulls out her hair, the routine same after day after day after day."

me again!
In reality this was me. Except for thunderstorms, I love those.

I am doing so much better now. I am living w/ my boyfriend and am no longer alone all the time, which I wanted, but was very bad for me. I am also taking an LSAT class in hopes of kicking the test's ass and becoming an environmental lawyer. One of the best schools for that is in Vermont, another in Portland, and another my father's Alma matter. I would love the first two but the third is in NYC which i cant handle living in. So the dream of the Blue Ridge Mountains is gone, replaced with dreams of the Green Mountains and the Cascades and the Rockies.

As I am from miami, i am a little scared of real cold (Richmond was perfect) but I love and need seasons. They balance me out. So do bi-polar meds. I guess I have my life to thank for them. I can sleep, I can go out, and trichotillomania is quickly fading.

I am so excited about law school! Just have to actually work so I can live during the first year. My parents said they wont help, but I dont really believe them. Must be nice huh? Having parents who could foot a law school bill. But i get all this crazy bullshit in my head b/c my mom is crazy. Something I learned during adolescent psychology but was only 18 so kinda forgot, but I talk about A LOT during therapy so its coming back and i am learning to cope w/ her and her mood swings and insults. I dont understand, and honestly never could, how my dad could put up w/ her. But he is a perfect husband and completely in love with her.

Speaking of love, sadly I dont think I have the capacity for it at the moment. Who knows when or even if I ever will. I love animals, but have severe trust issues w/ people.

Getting tired (wow!) and promise to come back sooner.

ps - going to start a "my background" b/c I change it a lot and love them all.

Here is the current one: OK, BF put it on and I dont seem to have it saved in here.

So here is the last one:




And the one before that, courtesy of BF who shares my sick sense of humor and love of purple:



Cant remember the one before that. Sigh.

kindness

I am kind to a fault. Maybe its not really being kind. I think its more like not really having the ability to say NO. So go figure, I got taken advantage of. I decided it was such a good idea to be a complete recluse so I got a roommate - more of a friend, who would clean in exchange for rent. He bugged me b/c he never contributed to food costs. But that was it; pretty good roommate.

then he recommended his friend to move in when he moved to CA. His friend, Scott, had his landlord change his mind about dogs and he wasn't able to stay w/ his dog. Me being sucker that I am, was all too happy to accommodate. This one was supposed to get a job and give me $500/month for rent. HE WAS SUCH A WHINY BITCH. And he stole from me. Why does that hurt so much to admit? He spent $300 on a credit card that he was NOT authorized to use. I am hesitant to dispute the charges b/c I feel responsible for leaving the card where he might find it. I am feeling sick to my stomach thinking about this so time for a topic change. Ok, came back after writing down below. He borrowed my car so much and I just wanted him gone so I let him. He got 4 parking tickets and never told me about them so they went unpaid. I have issues w/ mail (I HATE IT) so some of my mailing addresses are to my parents house. So my dad got notice of the parking tickets and just thinks I am even more less than able to handle my life. ARRGGGHH!!

Was originally going to write about the kindness of strangers, especially of the internet kind. I have had so many kind comments and support here and I thank you all so much. Just knowing that a total stranger cares and understands just how soul sucking Miami is is priceless. I do need to leave. I WANT to leave. Have wanted to since I moved back but it feels like my soul has already been dried up. I have NO ambition. I feel like I am sixteen again, except I dont want a boyfriend. I seem to fall for people who dont live in this state. I guess it offers a simple option to move.

The empathy I also feel for people out there amazes me. I cry over other peoples pain. Because I do it, I feel it in the few comments here. I really feel them. And the concern makes me so sad. I hate to have people worrying over me. But for years I have given nothing but reasons to worry.

On to the selfish me.
Being near my parents is suffocating. My mom REALLY broke her leg in April. Two days before I was to go to San Fransisco and Hawaii. God I needed that vacation. It not that I work hard, I just need to LEAVE MIAMI. The only thing keeping me here is a fucking townhouse the best part of Miami - Coconut Grove. Now my ex-husband lives there. I just found out he put a key logger spy thing on my computer during the end of our marriage. I emailed him when I found out. No words - just letting him know I found out. He replied quite rudely. But what really struck me was the vehemence of his anger. It simply disgusted him and made him physically sick to his stomach that I was going to be moving into HIS zip code. To hate someone that much takes up so much negative energy that I suddenly stopped hating him and resumed to the usual pity. I feel so bad that his so sweet girlfriend has to live w/ him when he is harboring so much hate inside. I am just coming to terms w/ what a total control freak he was. No wonder I felt to out of control or just dead inside; I literally had control taken away from me. Perhaps I felt my death was something I actually had control over....not really. Just hated life and wanted it to end. But the control thing probably played a huge role in that.
I hated him for a month - I asked him if I could watch the dog that we used to share and he said no, because that would be doing me a favor and he didnt feel I deserved any. It felt good to have the anger at first. His car (which doesnt work) is still in my driveway. How badly could I screw him over with that? Checked my mail, aw - his failing business is behind on taxes and for some reason the mail came to my house. Guess our relationship no longer involves favors so letter stayed put. For a while hating was fun, but after a while it was so draining. I hated having such negative feelings inside me. So weird that reading firsthand his absolute hate for me dissolved my hate for him. I can only feel bad for someone who can hate so much. I also feel bad because he is really turning into his father, something he never wanted to do, but I was always scared would happen. No worries - I am so over him. Was for years (ok, just maybe months) before it was officially over.

Wow tangent - really wanted to talk about parents. I feel so guilty that my mom is driving me crazy and I want to get so far away from her. I always felt like she only loved me b/c she had to. But she would never like me if I was not her child. If she was not my mother I see no reason, except for animal rescue things, why we would ever be anything close to friendly. I know that is horrible, but I gotta put it out there. Keeping it real seems to be the new slogan in the blogosphere nowadays. I dont really think I have ever done anything besides that though. Hmmm....I notice i keep diverging from the topic I wanted to talk about...guess it to close now. this is pretty anonymous here. Misha is my dead dog and my name does not appear. Um if anyone reading this knows my name, and i did not give it to you, kindly email and let me know.

So I felt bad about neglecting this place and felt like updating. Like when painting I had no idea where to start or what to extrapolate about. But it comes to me in strange ways. For someone w/ little so say I sure take a lot of words to say it.
Man I love that Lord Byron poem. It is completely where I am right now.

Odd. Looking at all my labels and none seem to fit this post. I am going to try "extrapolation" as the new them of my blog. Find a subject and write about how i feel about it. I could do that all day...and night. but i dont :)

edited to add: what a strange place this world is. my ex just called to apologize and I told him I had just written about him. Odd. then while I was writing this the first time, someone kicked me off my own account. So who the fuck out there is messing w/ my account and has my password??? yeah... i think i know who you are. I hope i am wrong and it was just a glitch that I was logged off my own account.

Lord Byron

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more...

ok, i did something. are you happy now? I dont give a shit. I am. HAH!

~Obama 4 pres!!!~

feeling fat...

So instead of going to haagen daaz at 2 in the morning for a chocolate shake, I went to wallgreens and got myself my first pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk in like 10 years. I figured it would work out better with portion control and all that. I forgot (or chose to ignore) that portion control simply does not mean Eat The Whole Damn Pint!!!

My first mistake - nuking it for 30 seconds to make it a bit more scoopable. A wee bit too much time and it kinda turned into a milkshake consistency. That is a HUGE weakness for me. So I gave myself a nice half cup portion, smushed it up so that it was milkshake consistency and promply devored while savoring every single cool chocolaty bite or slup. Thing is I didnt stop there. I ate the whole pint :(

So much for portion control...

Also walking down the beach yesterday people where looking at me. They tend to do that. For the first time in a long time I was wondering if they were looking at me b/c I am fat (damn PMS just kills me!) Then I got a date w/ a super hot lifeguard. You can saftely assume that made me feel Much Better.

I am even too scared to get on the scale.

Sigh... have also been having an anxiety attack for about 5 days now. My right leg is numbish from the inside and so is my right arm but in a lesser degree. This is a direct indication of MS (google it) I am always tired, but I think that is the anxiety - I hold my breath for a while w/o knowing A Lot. I also sigh w/o knowing it A Lot. Will go to doctor on monday and start working on this.

About a year ago I felt the same thing at a lesser degree and only in my leg but that was after exercise so they assumed it was a pinched nerve. But as part of his job he also had to tell me what else it could be - MS. Can you say BOO!!! He told me that if it didnt go away in a few days to see my regular doctor - couldnt drive that far that day so went to the ER which is on the island. It lasted 3 weeks and of course I never saw my regular doc. Will See Him This Monday - Tomorrow. Knowing is half the battle after all. I am way too scared of it being bad news - which is why I never went the first time. I cant even tell my parents b/c they have their own problems and are always worrying about me. Dont want to make them worry more.

Relating to my last post - I dont know if I clarified but the suicidal thoughts are more serious and the fantasies. As I found out, it tends to be a spur of the moment decision. There just came a time when I wanted to check out. But then I had to answer the stupid phone. Bah and Yay at the same time :]

Hey You! reading this - you must let me know what you think. A simple anonymous thumbs up or down would suffice but I love long comments. Please appease me. Come on - just do it!

differences

just thinking about things.. If only I could remember them. On the phone w/ my mom while trying to write..not too easy.

OK.

Suicidal Thoughts vs. Suicidal Fantasies

Is there a difference? For me the thoughts are more non specific. I just want to die. The fantasies are more involved and might involve hurting others, which I feel bad for, because I hate to think of my self as a bad person. Sure I have made some selfish choices but they dont necessarily make me a bad person. The fantasies are more planned. I like my car so I want to rent one and drive off a bridge with that one. My mom presses a painful button and I picture her hearing a bang and seeing the inside of my car suddenly spattered in red. Yeah, real nice. Its like I am 13 all over again. I could do it in her car and REALLY piss her off. As if simply doing it in my car wouldnt make her go ballistic.

Stupid vs. Living Life On The Edge

I used to think that people who didnt wear helmet on motorcycles automatically put them on the low end of the "Survival of the Fittest" spectrum. But how boring would life be if Everyone rode a helmet. If no one was willing to take a chance to feel the wind blow through their hair. For that very reason I Never wore a bicycle helmet but Always wore a motorcycle helmet with leather pants and jacket. Not only did I look cooler, I was Safer. But was still willing to go 100 MPH on one...

Living vs. Non Living

At the moment I do not really feel as if I am living. Just kinda feel dead on the inside and am not really too keen on seeing other people. Thing is that when I do see other people I usually enjoy it for abuout 5 houors. Left the typos b/c when I saw them, I actually said out loud "wow - that's pretty interesting". I guess living would be painting my townhouse, cleaning up the weeds around it (not a bad idea for monday), volunteering with Shake a Leg (google it -way too lazy for links), getting a fucking job, even just going to the damn beach would be something rather than a big fat nothing. Getting out of bed before 1 might be nice. Going to bed before 4 w/o thinking it an accomplishment that it early would be nice. Writing more would be really nice. Stopping being such a fucking blog addict would be nice. I can spend 10 hours reading blogs and love finding good new ones and reading their archives. Doing that with Violent Acres and Pioneer Woman at the moment.
aside - google reader is awesome. I you RSS me (I think you can) you will know when I post so you dont have to keep checking. I am well aware that my writing efforts are erratic at best.
When on vacation I never hit internet cafes and check email or myspace or anything like that. Daily blog reading is my real life and I like to escape that on vacation. Will be leaving for about 3 weeks soon (god I feel like I just wrote this..) The first half visiting a friend in Kauai (google it) and the second half visiting a friend in San Fransisco. I would soooo live there if it wasnt so damn expensive. At the moment (and it has been a years long moment) I want to live in a small college town in Blue Ridge or Smokey or Appalachian Mnts. Or Bozeman. Someplace with beautiful views, incredible nature, and most of all, cool, laid back people. I need to explore my art. Yes I do. In the worst/best way possible.

Later.

it does make me feel better

"Thanks, i hope my misery makes u feel better."

Like really, really, big smile on my face, better.

Is that so horrible? Above written by the person who ditched me week before we were supposed to go to India. Also, he just told me the real reason (maybe the 3rd real reason) he changed his mind was b/c he did not find me attractive and needed to be attracted so somebody...aw fuck it - he said it better..

"when i saw some of the photos u sent i realised i wasn't attracted 2 u as i thought. call me shallow but i need 2 be attracted 2 someone 2 be with them."

Funny thing is, though he has a great body I wasnt that attracted to his photos, much more to his personality. And he had quite a time to review those pics, only to tell me ONE WEEK BEFORE not to bother to fly half way around the world to meet him. GRRRR!!!

Shaun Robinson is his name. I am so fucking mean for putting that there and stupid considering the pics he has of me... But it is such a generic name...

I dont feel the slightest bit of pain that he had to cancel a snorkeling trip b/c of a negative feedback. Instead of replying with his version of the truth, he is deleting his account. What a wittle baby. I only feel bad that about 1000 lovely pics wont be available for viewing. I kinda feel like posting the whole email thing here because I get really creative when I write a mean letter. Its hard to understand though, because the whole thing is sopping wet with sarcasm - forget that dripping shit - soaking i tell you!

The website in question is called travel buddy. Even though I had a severely sour experience I still think it is great. It is for people who love to travel and share stories. Hmm... he could close his account and open up a new one so I should save the negative feedback I wrote for him somewhere in case I need to re post it. I can be evil in small ways. Especially with words. But feel I gave a very fair portrayal of what happened. In fact, here it is. Tell me if you think it's too much and if I should delete it. You thousands of imaginary readers out there.

Have you met in real life? No
Did you meet through TravBuddy? Yes
Have you traveled together? No
Why are you leaving a negative vouch for going2asia2007?

"We had planned on meeting in India (I am from the USA - he from Australia.) I asked him many times if he was REALLY OK w/ me traveling w/ him and his friend. I got repeated yeses. When I finally bought the ticket he seemed ecstatic. This was going to be a trip where I planned nothing and was happy to just 'follow along' and enjoy. We discussed this trip by email and phone for months. A week before my departure date he sent me an email w/ various contradicting excuses as to why he did not want to meet me in India any longer.

I am only writing this to protect other people from making the same mistake I did. I knew I was taking a risk, but he seemed so happy that I was going to join him and all my friends said Kiwis were the best travelers ever. I was blown away by the email. He knew I had made no plans and India is too large to plan a trip in a week so I ended up canceling it. Oddly, I still think he is a 'good' person. His emails sounded like he felt bad...but I felt a thousand times worse i am sure :)

I so wanted to vouch for him, but in a completely different way. This happened in October so I have had plenty of time to 'get over it' and I have but again feel that other people should know that this is a real possibility when traveling with this person. Make plans to travel if you like, but always have a back up. I was way too trusting. Hmmm...33 years and that continues to be one of my biggest problems. Jaded and too trusting...How are those reconcilable?"


I even left out his name b/c it was not in his profile. I mean, how much nicer can I get? Jeez!

electricity is good

its a nice thing. It really sucks when you don't have it. So most of Florida is kinda fucked. As usual, I have power in my glass fortress. Oddly, yesterday the elevators were not working for 20 minutes...which killed me b/c I was, as usual, running late for my $250/hr non-refundable if I miss it psychotherapy appt. Apparently my parents are not falling for my argument that everyone would be better off if I were "gone" and are trying to get me serious help. Also neat - most people can talk about something and stay on topic. Dr. Dude noticed that and it seemed to be a good thing that I am aware of it, though I cannot really help it.
As I was leaving the Dr. office I noticed traffic was there - like always. But the lights were not working. And McDonald's only took cash... Then I realized that all the lights on US1 were not working - this is a 6 lane major road.

OOHH, they are telling Tampa/Orlando 10 hours for power, but have been telling us 2 hours for an hour... "They" say there was no terrorism involved but The Turkey Point Nuclear Facility has been shut down. That shit gives me goosebumps. It tripped off at 1:09 b/c of lack of power. I dont see how we can have power in 2 hours if it involves restarting a nuclear power plant.
Damn, I just heard that cellphone and email stuff is not working either. Ahhh, traffic lights are now working :) This must have gone down right after I left the Dr. office. The office and my parents house both lost power and regained it w/in a half hour.
Driving home reminded me of driving after hurricane Andrew. The looks of confusion were there, but the lights, though not working, were also still above ground and there were no trees to navigate around. So yeah - JUST like after Hurricane Andrew.
Dude, Disney has no power...have they not heard of generators?? I bet that anyone in Disney World has no idea that power is out, b/c Disney is run oh so very smoothly. They must have super giant, super quiet generators - the news is just informing us that Disney has no juice.
I did not see planes circling over MIA so I thought that was cool, but there have been many departure delays. Also Miami is in a heat wave now. I cant help but laugh - heat wave in February. Many fire trucks just passed by... Hit 90 today and is now 85 and if it wasn't so damn windy I would be at the beach but hey...

But still, this "Florida is losing power" shit is kinda freaking me out. I feel like I drank a giant coffee. The best was when I was driving home a crackhead/panhandler started directing traffic. If only he has a bucket then, I would totally have given him money. Now that I really think about it, he was way too clean to be a homeless crackhead. Hmm...Some Sunpasses are not working...Sucks for the transit authority.

3,000,000 people across the southern end of the state are out. Weird. No one really knows why... That is the weird part. We don't know if Turkey Point was shut down or if it shut itself down. Something tells me we will never know.

Ok, so I am tired of hearing about people not having power and being stuck in elevators and very thankful that I am not one of those.

GRRRR - I just got a big red ERROR line on top of my screen. Blogger better not be based in fl.

So something happened, no one really knows what, but we are in no danger from the reactor and will have power by 6. That would be nice for Florida.

lost

who is this new pilot who was supposed to be flying guy?

I saw a psychotherapist today and I actually like him. Quite unusual, but I felt a good vibe. It's kinda (reallllllllly) sad that I justify paying $300 to see a therapist b/c at least I have to take a shower, get dressed, and get out of the house.

I have a boy who is my age moving in tomorrow. He is not rich...why cant i be attracted to rich guys? WHY does $$ seem to turn me off? Maybe those that actually have to work for a living are better. I think I just happen to have the good fortune(?) to be attracted to artists. And somehow artists just happen to be really (and I mean really) good in bed. But its all weird. It reminds me of Gene...living together for the wrong reasons. Except I dont work w/ Mike, and it will be only be the two of us, no 5 other roommates to diffuse the tension.

How did I get drunk so fast? Suddenly my eyes cannot focus. I amm druunnck.

Damn, I just saw a Pedigree commercial w/ the cutest puppy golden. I wanted him/her so much. "for every puppy adopted there is one one not adopted" killed me. drunk so just started crying and wanted THAT overlooked and all to adorable staged for TV puppy.

But dude, i got a husky and 3 cats. I am doing my part, and my parents are paying for most of their care.