kindness

I am kind to a fault. Maybe its not really being kind. I think its more like not really having the ability to say NO. So go figure, I got taken advantage of. I decided it was such a good idea to be a complete recluse so I got a roommate - more of a friend, who would clean in exchange for rent. He bugged me b/c he never contributed to food costs. But that was it; pretty good roommate.

then he recommended his friend to move in when he moved to CA. His friend, Scott, had his landlord change his mind about dogs and he wasn't able to stay w/ his dog. Me being sucker that I am, was all too happy to accommodate. This one was supposed to get a job and give me $500/month for rent. HE WAS SUCH A WHINY BITCH. And he stole from me. Why does that hurt so much to admit? He spent $300 on a credit card that he was NOT authorized to use. I am hesitant to dispute the charges b/c I feel responsible for leaving the card where he might find it. I am feeling sick to my stomach thinking about this so time for a topic change. Ok, came back after writing down below. He borrowed my car so much and I just wanted him gone so I let him. He got 4 parking tickets and never told me about them so they went unpaid. I have issues w/ mail (I HATE IT) so some of my mailing addresses are to my parents house. So my dad got notice of the parking tickets and just thinks I am even more less than able to handle my life. ARRGGGHH!!

Was originally going to write about the kindness of strangers, especially of the internet kind. I have had so many kind comments and support here and I thank you all so much. Just knowing that a total stranger cares and understands just how soul sucking Miami is is priceless. I do need to leave. I WANT to leave. Have wanted to since I moved back but it feels like my soul has already been dried up. I have NO ambition. I feel like I am sixteen again, except I dont want a boyfriend. I seem to fall for people who dont live in this state. I guess it offers a simple option to move.

The empathy I also feel for people out there amazes me. I cry over other peoples pain. Because I do it, I feel it in the few comments here. I really feel them. And the concern makes me so sad. I hate to have people worrying over me. But for years I have given nothing but reasons to worry.

On to the selfish me.
Being near my parents is suffocating. My mom REALLY broke her leg in April. Two days before I was to go to San Fransisco and Hawaii. God I needed that vacation. It not that I work hard, I just need to LEAVE MIAMI. The only thing keeping me here is a fucking townhouse the best part of Miami - Coconut Grove. Now my ex-husband lives there. I just found out he put a key logger spy thing on my computer during the end of our marriage. I emailed him when I found out. No words - just letting him know I found out. He replied quite rudely. But what really struck me was the vehemence of his anger. It simply disgusted him and made him physically sick to his stomach that I was going to be moving into HIS zip code. To hate someone that much takes up so much negative energy that I suddenly stopped hating him and resumed to the usual pity. I feel so bad that his so sweet girlfriend has to live w/ him when he is harboring so much hate inside. I am just coming to terms w/ what a total control freak he was. No wonder I felt to out of control or just dead inside; I literally had control taken away from me. Perhaps I felt my death was something I actually had control over....not really. Just hated life and wanted it to end. But the control thing probably played a huge role in that.
I hated him for a month - I asked him if I could watch the dog that we used to share and he said no, because that would be doing me a favor and he didnt feel I deserved any. It felt good to have the anger at first. His car (which doesnt work) is still in my driveway. How badly could I screw him over with that? Checked my mail, aw - his failing business is behind on taxes and for some reason the mail came to my house. Guess our relationship no longer involves favors so letter stayed put. For a while hating was fun, but after a while it was so draining. I hated having such negative feelings inside me. So weird that reading firsthand his absolute hate for me dissolved my hate for him. I can only feel bad for someone who can hate so much. I also feel bad because he is really turning into his father, something he never wanted to do, but I was always scared would happen. No worries - I am so over him. Was for years (ok, just maybe months) before it was officially over.

Wow tangent - really wanted to talk about parents. I feel so guilty that my mom is driving me crazy and I want to get so far away from her. I always felt like she only loved me b/c she had to. But she would never like me if I was not her child. If she was not my mother I see no reason, except for animal rescue things, why we would ever be anything close to friendly. I know that is horrible, but I gotta put it out there. Keeping it real seems to be the new slogan in the blogosphere nowadays. I dont really think I have ever done anything besides that though. Hmmm....I notice i keep diverging from the topic I wanted to talk about...guess it to close now. this is pretty anonymous here. Misha is my dead dog and my name does not appear. Um if anyone reading this knows my name, and i did not give it to you, kindly email and let me know.

So I felt bad about neglecting this place and felt like updating. Like when painting I had no idea where to start or what to extrapolate about. But it comes to me in strange ways. For someone w/ little so say I sure take a lot of words to say it.
Man I love that Lord Byron poem. It is completely where I am right now.

Odd. Looking at all my labels and none seem to fit this post. I am going to try "extrapolation" as the new them of my blog. Find a subject and write about how i feel about it. I could do that all day...and night. but i dont :)

edited to add: what a strange place this world is. my ex just called to apologize and I told him I had just written about him. Odd. then while I was writing this the first time, someone kicked me off my own account. So who the fuck out there is messing w/ my account and has my password??? yeah... i think i know who you are. I hope i am wrong and it was just a glitch that I was logged off my own account.