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Because I need an outlet
Lonely so much
Only me and my animals
Great to have an outlet, or 3...



um, one of my first attempts at poetry. Hope to improve.

la-di-da-di-da...

Coming here is like going into the next room and wondering "Ok, I walked here for a reason, if only I could remember what it was..."

Got it!

I have been really good about the whole not smoking thing. But today I woke with exceptionally bad cramps and I really want one! wah!

Actually called two head docs today. Making progress baby!

Da Simpsons

Tonight's episode of the Simpsons was one of the best ever. Ralph for President! I have thought how cool it would be to fuck up an election w/ a write in candidate. The best was that even Lisa thought Ralph would be good, and she could be his "First Ladle". Ralph was just like Bush, but nice. I hope they continue with this story line. Although I just realized that for all I know, it could have been a repeat. Hope it wasn't and they continue with the story line. Please

upon entering

Every time I walk inside my apartment I swear I hear a little beep. And that is the only time I ever hear it. I would be lying if I said it did not freak me out a bit.

Oh yeah, the other day when I was talking about it feeling like freezing tropical storm force winds, I was right. The temp dropped to 32 (although probably not when i was outside) and 2 tiny palm trees in the dunes got kinda broken in half which is pretty odd behavior when I think about it. Usually palm trees lose their tops or just fall over. But I have never seen any that were only 5' high and they didn't have "solid" trunks, more like trunks made up of many shoots. Perhaps that is why they broke. They were also planted by the "Condo Association" and had no business living in the dunes where it is clearly posted that foot traffic will result in a fine up to $500. Maybe it's just me, but I can't see how they were able to landscape the dunes w/o stepping on then. I have wanted to turn them in but i figure i will just have to pay the fine in the long run. Also, my friend who is a palm tree god, says these are among the stupidest to plant next to the ocean.

Another thing...(and i said i was going to quit this thing - just made me think more) damn. Totally forgot what that other thing was.... Yeah - The Shadows

I was sitting in the chair next to the window facing the ocean right before sundown and the shadow of my building almost made it to the horizon. It was amazing. A little sad, but very neat. Especially when a boat very far away passed though it. At first I say this tiny golden spot and as it went through the shadow it turned grey/white and then back to having the sunset reflect off it. I remember going out in our little tiny boat. Sunset is such a beautiful time to be out on the water. Everything is constantly changing colors depending on your perspective. I miss it. And dammit, I miss being part of an "us" or "we". And i hate talking to mom. I used to have no problem being single. Oh yeah, I lived 1,000 miles away and had some sanity left at the time.

of course i have more to babble about, but i will wait till next time. i hope i remember :]

I am not giving up here. Its just my new mantra is "Life is great, as long as I dont think about it" and coming here makes me think about it, and just really fucking sucks.

I just came back from a dog walk, though i hate leaving the safety of my walls, the walks always make me feel better. Why cant i just focus on that??

Well last night was like 40 w/ like 20-30 mph winds. I forgot my hat. My ears froze. It sucked. For the next walk I found some ear muffs and my hat. I was thinking about writing here. Describing the wind as something so strong you had to hold on to your hat when my hat actually flew off and i had to run full speed to catch it LOL. So maybe this will be just blurbs. Little tiny thoughts from now on out w/ pics and the occasional long post that make no sense. I used to feel silly putting down a 5 sentence or less but if thats all it is, then thats all it is. I think it might be cute to look back on my silly thoughts like a that a week or so later. Because I pretty much change my mind ALL the time.

hi...

i dont know if i like writing here anymore. it just doesnt feel right anymore. I guess i dont have much to offer so bye. Damn, I just started thinking how this "post" originally started..

just came here because i wanted to but i really dont have anything in mind. Guess thats when I started thinking about things. I hate it when i do that. Guess that why I dont want to write here anymore. I think people i know read it. I know some did but am not sure if they still do and i just cant bring it up. Except I just did. Pretty sneaky huh.

I just edited a post for the first time - days after it was up. I dont want this to be something i have to worry about. What i mostly do is worry about hurting someone elses feelings to i edit out a lot and write knowing that someone will read so I have to.....

whatever, started thinking ahead and lost my train of thought. I hate it when bloggers delete their blogs. I hope they are just down and not GONE. I cant imagine erasing everything or even anything here. I guess that is what "save as draft" is for.

OK, the thought of completely giving up on this of course makes me think of Misha and I feel its a dishonor to her memory to stop writing. I dont care if was "only" a dog. She was so much more to me than that. She always made me smile or go crazy. Its really stupid to equate writing anything to her but this thing is named after her...so like you see, right?

Also just bought a mini notebook to keep in my purse. Its great! I can write whenever but i hate that its on paper. Sorry bout that - really didnt want you to find it. I guess I am just way sad right now and will come back when i have something happy to say. So its not really bye, just see you later. But damn if that isnt negative thinking. I am dying for a cigg. Just popped in my first "Commit" lozenge. Well not my all time first but my first in my quest to really quit. They taste nasty. Kinda like a cigg, a minty, slimy, one with a ton of saliva. Have had enough of this. It is leaving my mouth now. My throat hurts - odd.

Yeah, so I try to write, but only nonsense comes out. Sorry. Going under the radar.

guess its time to return here

I have been elsewhere, writing totally under the radar. I guess its time to think about those new years resolutions...

1. QUIT SMOKING - I feel pretty positive about this

2. STOP BEING SO DAMN DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME!!!! pretty much...forgot...positive thinking??

3. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE - I pretty much only get out to walk Jackson

4. TRY A NEW MEDICINE REGIMEN - as this one really is not working

5. SEE A THERAPIST - I hate my life and need to do something about it.

6. CLEAN THE APARTMENT - it so needs it!!!!!

7. FIX MY DOGS SKIN RASH - i feel so bad for him and like such a horrible mother

8. SEE MY FRIENDS MORE OFTEN - many people like me for some reason or another. guess cuz i am nice an sweet ;>

9. TAKE JACKSON TO THE DOG PARK MORE OFTEN - the poor guy deserves it. i just suck :[

10. FUCKING LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE ONCE IN A WHILE....had a better one but i forgot it...no sleep..