giving in to depression

I hit an all new phase today. I actually managed to sleep till 8pm. I totally forgot it was halloween which used to be my fav holiday, but i guess depression changes things. Actually looking back, as I went to sleep at 8 am i guess i didnt sleep too much. I am not going to india. The chance i took, traveling w/ someone i never met, but we spoke and emailed so much bah!, just totally fell apart. dont have the courage to go to india by myself so am doing another USA road trip. Would be nice to visit my friends all over the country and see yellowstone as i missed it the first time. Resee the badlands, white sands, mt. st. helens, austin. Visit Boston, NYC, Richmond, drive the blue ridge during fall!!!!!!!!! Think I might take my dog along for company. That way I am not alone - he is a great companion - never talks back :) Checking to see if i can find a nice flight + hotel package for amsterdam -thinking about a week. Here is to making the best out of things when people totally fuck you over. Will never have a pure internet friend again. Even the most honest and sweetest appearing can be total assholes. I portray myself as a player, but as much as it hurts to admit, I am a true romantic, looking for my soulmate. Thought I might have found him LOL.

Ok, I also dreamnt I was back in classes and had to write a 5 page paper and I wrote it by hand. About 2 hrs before it was due I realized it needed to be typed... any feelings on what this might mean?

i wanted to dream....

Just yesterday I was at my psychiatrists office begging for a months worth of sleeping pills so that I could finally get over my nocturnal habits. I want to rejoin normal civilization and sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I also wanted to dream. I almost never dream.
ahhh...last night I had a DREAM. As usual don't remember much about it but the feelings and emotions are so fresh. I had a dream I was depressed and suicidal. How original. In my dream I was in the depths of despair...don't remember why. At least I didn't try to end my life in my dream, though I really wanted to. What I can remember was just crying all the time and really wanting to die. As in the past I had pills and tequila, sadly I now know which ones will and wont do the job and i have both. So I guess the power really is in my hands. DUH. Obviously obvious statement. I did not try to kill myself in the dream so that's a good thing. Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me that I am getting better. Did it have to do it in such a painful dream? I hate bad dreams. They leave me in a funk for hours and I woke up w/ a very STIFF neck. You want me to look to my right - no can do. Ugghhh. So I didn't feel like doing anything all day. Hmm. How unusual. How stupid. I even tried to go against my original instinct, but ruined it.