turkey day

this was going to be my first one alone. yeah, i could call people - but i am one damn stubborn lady. I once got fired from a pizza place b/c i did not know how to ask for help. Mmm, will eat that pizza soon! It's Bottoms Up in RVA. Hell, even if it was just me and my ex, it felt alone. But this was going to be my very first one alone. I figured hell, I have wanted the world to leave me alone, and i guess i got what i wanted. Well to be fair, not really. Its all a result of poor planning. Was going to spend tonight at a potluck dinner in Brunswick, GA at The Hostel in the Forest. poor planning ruined it all. They dont allow dogs and I could not find a boarder that was open on thursday. So i just decided to stay put...wait for the sadness to pass....drink and take anti-anxiety stuff...to forget that even though i have a giant family and invites (but these were from friends i sleep with) that i kinda decided, by not making a decision, to spend today, like most other days, alone. Then my Jay called. He is a truck driver so i thought he would be alone today also. But no - he is in miami! And invited me to kenny's thanksgiving! I went to nursery school w/ Jay and Kenny so I really feel like they are family. This is going to be fun and different. Kennys (ha-ha little no more) sister will be there with her long time husband aka high school boyfriend and their toddler daughter. I get to spend it w/ family that I feel are mine, but a different kind. There is no doubt that any of them would not be invited to our turkey day it it was here...

sigh...there are pretty fall leaves to be seen and am just loving the incredible weather here. Like wonderful beach weather. Makes it too easy to forget what i am missing. Thank you so much Jay for calling, and thank you me for answering. And thank you Kenny for having me. You guys rock so damn much!!!!!!!!!

So i guess Happy Thanksgiving Day to all!!!

So Stupid.....

I have been on paxil for who knows how long.... a year - give or take a few months. Right before December I was switched to a generic, which of course, looked different. For a while, when I have been taking my morning pills it kinda seemed off....I would count...and the number seemed the same, but they seemed to be missing some color. I have never been good with numbers. I just found one of my old pill boxes in a suitcase last used on Xmas and found a really familiar light green pill... Yeah... the one I had not been taking since December 25.....

I can only wonder how much this has affected my choice. I made the choice b/c I gave up. Finally stopped believing that things would get better... I don't know. I really have to find a new answer than that to Everything.

I have been so good about my meds. I cant believe I messed up like that. If I want, I can blame it on Walgreen's, who misentered it into the computer. Usually I save the bottle if I am running out, but sometime while cleaning they get thrown away.. That and what I see on my prescription history is what I order. They did not enter it, so of course I did not order it.

Feeling Bitter now.

technology

it allows you to break up w/ someone w/o seeing their face or hearing their voice. Isn't that just fucking normal. the text and email breakup. its like sterilizing things. Makes it easier, but not really, b/c its all just so fucked up and broken and hurtful and i feel like its all my fault. It takes two to royally fuck things up, but when only one wants to leave it really really sucks. Why cant we agree...that this is the best thing for both. I hate how much it hurts when I really think of it.

I went to a bridal shower today. Silly, Silly me. As soon as she started opening presents, I had to hide in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I feel on top of the world, giddy w/ freedom, opportunities (why did I never feel that way w/ him?) and then other times I feel and want to be so alone, but I sooooooooo miss and want some big hugs from my best friend in the world. It sucks to push away my only friend. They would be such painful hugs.

Now we are talking dog custody...I don't want to split them up, but I want to be fair....