dreams

I usually dont have them. Almost never. Recently though, every once in a while I get one. They are usually disturbing and somewhat vivid - they can affect my mood for hours, perhaps because i allow it. The one I had last night was so inextrictably linked to MY LIFE, it was almost scary. I guess (well know) that I have shut myself alway, emotionally and psycically. I try to keep my mind active - sodoku, scrabble, reading voraciously. I try to excersize - go to a class here and there but usually just do it in my apartment. I still love the ocean, but have only been in once this summer though i visit it once a week and walk the dogs on the beach nightly. Such a difference from last summer when i used to swim for a half hour a day though and then read for about an hour under the umbrella with my apple in my ice water. Its so fustrating. I enjoy it. I KNOW i do, yet I am (because I cant think of another emotion that feels like it) scared to go out. I even get nervous before I walk the dogs, and I LIVe walking the dogs. Right now Iam crying so hard my eyes are closed so very tightly. Its moments like this when I am very impressed w/ my typing skills. i can actually put down shit w/o having to EVER see it. Its jsut hurs so much being sdcared to go out. So fucking much. I have to overcome it. I have no choice, but i dont know how. I love my dogs.. I want to walk them 10 times a day and be happy each and every time I do it.

What am I doing w/ my life. Nothing. Letting it pass by while I sit in a fog hoping it would just hurry up and be done with. I cant do anything to advance it, but that does not mean I cant think about it and oh my god to I hthink about it. I know its not good. At all. I need to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. I DONT KNOW.

in the dream a guy asked me what the hell i was doing on the boat. If i had any plans of getting off. I didnt. He then asked what kind of life I was expecting on the boat. I told him i didnt care. it didnt matter. just something different. he told me there was no getting off and i had to make up my mind there. thats all i remember after waking up.

now to publish w/o spell check to wow (or make me look like an idiot) w/ my typing while crying w/ eyes tightly closed skillz.

OK - Dream - Someone asked me what I was going to w/ the rest of my life, just hide on the cruise boat, that I somehow got on mistakenly and was not able to tell any of my friends about. Strange things happened there. Very strange. Images flashing around that have more relation to my life than any other dream i have EVER had.






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