instant headaches gonna getcha

Pissed off, angry, but not quite ready for another attempt on my life. So I figure, hurricane season is here...time to test the floor to ceiling windows..... With my head.... Yeah, I know I am 2 years old again.... Damn they bounce when whacked with noggin though! And you know, if youve ever lost your shit like that, you dont really think "gee, this might give me a really bad headache" when all I really wanted to do was crash through the window. I lie. I just write these things because I think them A LOT. But just because I think them, does not mean I will go through with them. I cant stand the thouoght of hurting my family again that way..... OMG - speaking of family, my dad wants to get the Maserati Quatrroporte. I get all giddy everytime I think of it....Of course my mom is dead set against it. I figure that if you have driven nothing but Mercedes' since like 1981, the price difference almost makes up for the extreme luxury, insane inlaid wood in the dash; incredible leather work, not to forget the fact that its a fucking MASSERATI!!! Massing seats, rear seat fold down tables... Oh yeah, i know, poor me, why suicidal?? Parents have money - live in a kick ass condo - trust me, I wonder too. I figure money is only a big thing when you dont have enough of it, and I have been there too. I am usually too proud to take $ from parents (obviously rule does not apply to realestate) and would work many dbls and a few triples when I needed extra money.

Update to previous post bout "Lost Coňos". I wrote my first ever song. A variation of "wish you were", but way more on the lost, angry, suicidal side. Would SO love to hear a bastardized punk version of "wish you were".... Just so you know, this "version" has been the soundtrack of my brain for about 5 years now. I think it would be so cathartic to just scream out my innermost feelings and most horrible thoughts to a bunch of strangers. Just hope I have the voice for it. I think I have the balls for it - the first time I wailed into a mike - what a rush!

wasn't going to but here is how it kinda goes:

Oh, how I wish I was gone
I'm just a poor lost soul trapped in the fishbowl of my brain
going over the same old shit, the same old FUCKING CRAP, DAY AFTER DAY, WEEK AFTER WEEK, MONTH AFTER MONTH.....
GOD DAMN, HOW I WISH I WAS FUCKING GONE!

No more pain; no more fear; NO FUCKING MORE! FUCK NO! I CANT TAKE IT; I WONT TAKE IT; FUCK YOU!!! FUCK IT; FUCK IT ALL!.....

Ya gotta make the punk potty mouth - sounds much better screaming. Probably the only place we can get a gig is Churchills .

Will let you know as soon as anything develops! Yes - you 4 readers out there - if you don't already know me, you can meet THE MISH, although the person on stage is a really, really fun acting job....

I wrote the song yesterday, and am not looking at what I wrote, so this is some sort of variation.... Perhaps if I just kept writing it about 10 times I could review all of them and pick the best parts or each...

Would love suggestions so fucking comment dammit!!!!!

good dogs

I just came back from a walk. There is a hummer outside of the garage b/c it doesn't fit! Little dog first peed on it - slightly mortified in case the owner was watching, but no one yelled at me. Then big dog peed in the exact same place (he isn't very original). I was so proud of my babies - piss on all the hummers you want, you good environmental dogs!

backwards technology

We don't have a cordless phone. They all got fried during a storm many moons ago. I guess I am too clinically depressed, antisocial, and maybe also lazy to get a new system.
I was talking on the phone w/ my mom and she wanted to review some web pages with me. At first I thought I couldn't b/c laptop was by couch and the phone in near the breakfast table.
Then it hit me. Duh. I have wifi - I can move the computer, then it hit me - how backwards, my computer is totally portable but none of my (ahem) 2 phones are. A wee bit retarded....

the time of year that rolls around the same day every year

When you add a number to your age. This time I turn 32. So far its been nice. We had a fathers day/birthday get-to-gether at my parent's house, and my husband is taking me on a 3 night vacation so a surprise destination. I only know it is on the west coast of FL and is driving distance, and i need to pack heels and hiking shoes. I also know we will have a king size bed. Those are nice.
Its also Paul McCartney's b-day. He is turning 64 and going though a divorce. It is so sad considering the song "will you still need me, will you still feed me,when I'm sixty-four."

Friends (and somehow car crash got worked into this)

I am not the type of person that makes friends with people. Generally, it would be more appropriate to say that people befriend me.
I guess I am shy and more introverted than I used to be. Plus I live in a bldg with mostly rich people, and I am not one of them. When I was in school, before college, I guess I was a "rich" kid b/c I drove a Mercedes - not bought for me, it was given to our family as repayment for a loan - they tried to sell it but were real lazy about it. I drove it most of the time, and it was finally given to me on Xmas of my senior year. Santi gave me a car CD player but I did not have a car, that was when my parents had decided that I could have the Benz. It was a sweet car. From Europe, so in km and a 5 speed which Mercedes did not make in the USA, and it was a convertible! I had it until Jan. 17 2003 when (name removed b/c i was a complete and total dumbass to put it in - see what happens when you go on a rant) made a left hand turn into me one early morning but really a late nite for me. Luckily, I had 2 cops for witness and luckily, they never looked into my car where the band-aid (the metal kind) box filled with the previous camping trips' joints had exploded everywhere. They just told me to clean it out and get it ready for the tow truck.
Yeah, I know - how could there be any left after camping - try camping with your dorm and almost everyone is in the Greek system, and friend and I were not.(guess what - a tangent w/in a tangent - i got me some writing skillz)
Me and Nina (someone else who befriended me. i first thought she was annoying as hell but then she grew on my. Plus we really partied well together. We bonded while leaving a car stuck in traffic on Ocean Drive to pee behind a tree. I still call her a friend. So odd after my first impression of her. OH SHIT - BILL GATES IS LEAVING MICROSOFT IN(7/2008)SO HE CAN FOCUS ON CHARITY, AND POST OF CEO NOW - HE ROCKS!!!! Just heard that on the news. Nice. Nina - she is still a bit annoying, most of my friends cant stand her, but i still like her, though i did want to strangle her during my bachelorette party. Back to car accident -
Eeeccchh, that was a bad night. Started with like 5 people sitting on the couch getting high and holding a broomstick across us. Someone said "hey, this is like a Disney ride!" Someone else said "hey lets go - if we leave now we will get there about an hour BEFORE they open" - yeah, don't do drugs I know. And the kicker - 6 people in a big Volvo. Now this was early 93 - volvo's weren't big and certainly not bit enough to hold 6 comfortably for a 4-5 hour ride. So we drove about an hour, realized our stupidity, and turned back.
Then I left UM, drove to my boyfriends home (whom I had informed via answering machine just a few hours earlier that I was going to Disney....) and BAAM. Kinda felt it coming. I was in the left lane and there was a long and full turn lane for the left, thereby making oncoming traffic that wanted to make a left blind to their oncoming traffic (me). I noticed that a blind turn was coming up ahead but was still surprised by the bam into the driver side door. I wasn't wearing a seat belt and was heading towards a phone pole - thoughts - oh shit I am going to die- I turned the wheel away, though I don't think it did anything because I was in a skid but who knows because I ended up hitting a building, but only lightly because I shattered a high curb around it. Lady at Farm Stores (building hit) had the fucking nerve to yell at me for breaking the damn curb. I was like talk to that bitch over there.
I had locked my arms up so my body didn't hit anything, but couldn't push open a door for almost a week after. Mercedes' also have a really large (I don't know - lower dashboard?) below the steering wheel. I cracked it in half with my knees and ripped my jeans. Still have bad knees.... When I stopped moving, I remember the stereo, which had been skipping, started up again with Toad the Wet Sprocket. Never felt the same way about them again.
I just kept thinking - want to kill the bitch! The door handle didn't work, so I had to use both legs to kick the door open. When I got out my light was red, and I had a small second of holy shit did "I" run the light? Instantly a young man told me that he saw the whole thing and it was totally not my fault. I so wanted to kill the lady that hit me, or at least bitch her out, but by the time I got out of the car there were already 2 police cars on the scene. Quite confusing - this was way before everyone had a cell phone. Those were the two that had witnessed the accident - they were having coffee in a BK parking lot. I was talking to the cops while Sandra K. West was carted off in an ambulance - she hit her head - airbags were new then. The cops loved me, ripped jeans, nose ring, and grateful dead shirt and all. We were talking school and all sorts of shit. Then my parents showed up. Ahhh.... First words out of my mother's mouth "don't have kids, they're not worth it". Lovely. Didn't talk to her for about a month. It was all, hi mother, is dad home? OK, I'll call back then. Bye. Click.

Whew - incredibly long tangent over - back to friends. Ok - left off thinking about rich people.
Though many consider me one, those that don't really know me, I don't think I like rich people. Not all, but some. They have attitude, airs, all designer, and are all plastic - oh yeah - really ugly designer shit. So I don't talk much to people in my building. When I go to the beach I take a book or depending on the sun my laptop (yay! for beach wifi) and am usually topless. Result - people notice me, but never talk to me which suits me just fine. But every so often I realize that I should make friends with people who live here - it would just be so convenient. I meet people on elevators that seems cool but we spend like minute together.
Today after pilates, an older French woman befriended me. I heard her talking about how she used to be a professional skier and just wanted to let her know how awesome I thought that was. Well, she is older, but her body is rocking, she has had a face lift, botox and something horrible done to her lips. So she is like a young older woman. She is also French, like husband, so something else in common. We started talking about accuptuncture and bad knees (she wants to recommend me to the best knee surgeon in USA who is NYC - out of price range - I think so. Then she started inviting me places. NICE places. Like one of the most exclusive spas in Miami - I could come as her guest. Then the kicker - she invited me to a party at the old Versace mansion. I was like, she is so out of my league. I have no money. I have nothing in common with rich people. I don't think I like them. I don't think they know what the other 99.9% of the world (well I guess America) lives like. Well, I guess we both share a love of Mercedes', but I doubt I would ever buy one unless I had tons of money -at least 10 times what the car is. Strange, the highly accented and plastic older woman (I think older than my mom unless too much work can actually make you look older simply b/c you look scary) was Kinda interesting and she seemed really interested in getting to know me.
But as I am writing this, I realize why not. Bucking take the chance. My birthday is in a few days so I owe myself a new dress anyway. Hmmm - thinking Loehman's tomorrow. Then maybe tomorrow night I just might be schmoozing with the rich and fabulous. I mean in almost a year, this is the first female to make a serious opportunity to befriend me. She even made sure we exchanged numbers and apts. So I guess the ball is in my court now. I gotta call her. God I suck at calling people. Never used to be scared of unfamiliar things - don't like this about me now. Have to leave my comfort zone. I am still just an anxious, moody, depressed, ball of nerves and that needs to change so badly. On the outside, I probably look better than I ever have before and transversely on the inside, I KNOW I have never felt worse. I guess about a year ago - wow that long - I felt worse. But I definitely have not progressed as I should have. I just bought a few memoirs by people who also tried to commit suicide. I hope I glean inspiration or just a giant kick in the ass from them.

dontcha hate it when

I just typed which is for me a pretty long email. Tearful, apologetic, emotional. It fucking took a lot to write it and I was so - well, a little proud of myself for it. And then I hit send. And gmail and IE are not talking tonight on my computer so I am SOOL. Ok, so I will save it for later. Same damn message. I hate that I really don't understand how these things work. But I would rather learn how a car works; what a handy skill that would be - fixing cars.

poetry spam

unknown lumps and bumps
dizzy head
cant stand walk long
stairs bad
numb leg
nerve wrong
smellow yellow
3 dr
1 month
all is good or not
out of all hands now
play waiting game
how i hate games

PT II

yelling screaming
locked doors
cant go
trapped
stops
get things
run
fight
hurt
embarrass
die
no fone
no cab
no home
no home
no home
no life
WHORE
running
used to be so many trees
so well lit
cant hide
hurricane pile (1st time ever want more)
can see around will look
no phone.....
helpless
do what told
quiet
anger
rage
fury
hate
run
not
run
want to
quiet
bitch
sorry babies - gotta run
4 me
cant take
no think
running
dizzy
faint
tunnel vision
run till fall
head opens
useless brains on ground
firemen come
spray into manhole
bad side of job
cry
sleep
forever
quiet
dont worry, be happy
easy
head - wha-wha-wha always
sucks
anxiety
panic
yes
ms
NOT
what life?
montel
annette
do well
and I?
dont know
wont have to know
cant have to know
have to know
pills
balconys
semis
guns
no helmet
pain
tears
$$$
CANT
WONT
EVER
AGAIN
but who can tell the future
sniff